I know I haven’t fully filled you in on the background story as yet and I promise I will go back and literally tell you everything but I have a hectic weekend ahead of me and I need to talk about that right now.
MR BIG BLUE is off to India on Monday. This is his last weekend in the city. I probably get to see him one more time before he leaves. I am anxious about it. It feels like it’s one last opportunity to leave a lasting impression on him before he goes.
I don’t want to use this time to confront him about the divorcee or tell him that he broke my heart. I don’t want to yell at him, embarrass him or make a scene. I know he gets anxiety when he travels and I don’t want to make things worse for him. I don’t want him to leave with a bad impression of me.
He came to see me at work on Wednesday. He needed to pick up some stuff from me. That’s the real reason why he came, I know it. But we were civilised. We talked about his trip. We talked about me moving into my own house (something I always thought we’d do together). I asked him whether he needed me to take him to the airport, he said no he was sorted (I guess the Divorcee will be doing that job). So I just told him to be safe, keep in touch and let me know if he needed absolutely anything. He hugged me and hugged me and hugged me and he didn’t let go. I could tell he was sad. I was too. I tried to hold things together but its hard around him because he has already seen me cry so many times. I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me back. I think he meant it, I certainly did. I kissed MR BIG BLUE on his forehead (he always did that to me because he said it would make me feel safe) and then I said goodbye. Well, I said we would probably see each other again on Sunday before he left, but that probably the last time we’d be probably be alone together.
So Sunday is fast approaching. I don’t know in what circumstances we will say goodbye. All I know is that I told him that I have a care package for him to take with. I’ve got some of his favourite things, some photos and bits and pieces to remind him of home. As much as I have made him out to be the devil. He is not. This is a huge step for him and deep down I am proud of him. I want him to know that. I want him to feel loved. Even though he has isolated himself from lots of people who care about him. I need him to know that I am there for him no matter what. That whether we end up together or not I will always be grateful he came into my life and I will always be there to pick up the pieces. I am going to try my best to hold it together and say goodbye like a lady. Because as MR BIG BLUE’S mother once told me if you love somebody you let them go and know that if it is meant to be they’ll come back to you. I really hope he does come back to me in any which way and in any capacity, as long as he is safe I can rest easy.
So my dear readers…what do you have to say? Do you think I am approaching the situation correctly? Have you ever had to say a hard goodbye? How did you handle it? Please do share you experiences in the comments below.
Thank you for all your support. It really means the world to me right now.
Till next time me sugar plum fairies,
LOVE Cinders x o x o