Following yesterday’s post about MR BIG BLUE leaving on a jet plane one of my dear readers asked me whether I planned on ‘waiting’ for MR BIG BLUE and she implied that I might be missing out on other opportunities if I did. I have to admit she was not the only the one to asked me this million dollar question.
And my answer to the burning question? Well for me it’s not a matter of waiting or not waiting. The fact is he has gone for a couple of months and it is not like there are a whole lot of gorgeous, intelligent, wholesome men knocking at my door. Even if there was, I don’t think it would be all that sensible to jump into any sort of relationship right now. Plus it would just make me as bad as MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee. So as I said before its really not a question of whether I plan on spending the next couple of months sitting around waiting for him to message me, crying myself to sleep each night and waiting for him to come back and declare his undying love for me and its certainly not about me jumping into another relationship.
Instead, I plan on using the next few months to work on myself. By this I want to use this time apart from MR BIG BLUE to rediscover who I am and what actually makes me happy. That way I hope that when he comes back he sees me as I strong, independent, happy girl with a who has been moving forward with her life in a positive way.
This whole episode has made me realise that much of who I have become over the past 5 years has been defined to a certain extent by who MR BIG BLUE was. I mean don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those subservient women who live in the shadow of my man. I have my own interests and hobbies that make me tick and I have my own friends and family who I can turn to when I am in trouble or need advice. However, since I moved half way across the world to be with MR BIG BLUE much of who I am here has focused on him. For instance when I first arrived for a long time he was my only friend and we did everything. It was only after some time had passed that I got my own job, friends and social activities that I was able to become a person in my own right.
I am not trying to say any of this was his fault; it was just simply part of being an expat in a new country. MR BIG BLUE really was amazing when I first arrived here. He did everything he could to look after me and no matter what I will always be thankful for that. It was just that after some time the religious aspect of things got in the way. Like I mentioned it my first post, I was reluctant to get involved with the Hare Krishna movement because I felt it was taking him away from me. He was also quite fanatical about things and it caused a lot of issues between us. I moved apart from him because I felt that if I stayed with him I would be forced to give up too much of who I was. But that time apart did us some good. I started to take some time to read about Krishna Consciousness and take a greater interest. I started to attend festivals and programs and really enjoy them, while still doing things that I loved. But I have to admit some of my practice was superficial. Much of the time I went to temple because I knew it would make MR BIG BLUE happy. He was making strides and I wanted to be there to support him. It wasn’t really my spiritual journey; it was simply me living in the shadow of his.
But now I believe that without him here it will be a good time for me to reassess my own personal relationship with Krishna Consciousness and figure out what role it will play in my life. Beyond religion and spirituality, I think I need to use this time to reconnect with my friends that maybe I have lost touch with along the way and spend some doing things I enjoy and maybe even finding some new interests. Well that’s about all I have to say for now my dear readers. I realise this post may seem a bit vague, so I plan on doing a follow up for you about some tangible things I hope to achieve over the next couple of months and how I hope to transform myself during this period.
For now, I want to throw the floor open to you. Please let me know what you think…
Have you ever waited for someone because you felt they were your true love? Did things turn out well or do you wish you had done things differently? What are your thoughts on me using this time apart from MR BIG BLUE for self-improvement?
As always my glitter balls of loveliness thank you for reading – your comments and questions challenge me to think differently, your support comforts me more than you will ever know and the fact that you are here makes me smile even though I miss MR BIG BLUE more than anything. So THANK YOU from the deepest part of my heart.
Lots of LOVE Cinders x o x o