Letter to the Divorcee

Gosh, so there I was trying to be uber positive and counting my blessings and then BOOM I get caught up in a fit of rage. I was just perusing Facebook and I see a comment from her basically describing how his trip to Mayapur had been a major battle (as if it was something they had fought together). It made so crazy mad. I was the one who had been there with him for the past 5 and half years, picking up the pieces, dealing with all the challenges, fighting for our relationship tooth and nail, trying my best to understand and accommodate his faith and encourage him in all aspects of life and there she is talking like she knows it all.

Rage Speech
My Thoughts Exactly

Let me backtrack a little so I can fill in the gaps for you guys. When I first got an inkling about there being someone in the way of my relationship with MR BIG BLUE my gut instinct told me it wasn’t the Other Woman on the scene again but the Divorcee. Mr BIG BLUE had talked fondly about her on a few occasions saying she was spiritually advanced, had a steady job, a real nice house and a nice car. Oh and she really spoilt her ex-husband, let’s call him … Mad Man, shall we? Anyway MR BIG BLUE always seemed to have an odd fascination with the Divorcee, maybe hinting at the fact that she was everything I wasn’t. So more recently, he mentioned that she had started to confide in him about the problems in her marriage to Mad Man and the divorce. That did sort of set the alarms bells ringing. I told him I didn’t care about other people’s failed marriages and he just brushed off my comments, saying he only wanted to fill me on some gossip. I left it at that, I didn’t bother overthinking it.

But then she goes and moves into the Hare Krishna temple to ‘get away’ from the Mad Man and they end up literally end up living on top of each other. Even though I had a feeling there was something possibly developing between them I didn’t react. I had reacted badly in the past and it hadn’t worked in my favour. So instead of going in guns blazing and attacking the Divorcee who is well-liked and respected in the community I decided I would express myself using my writing in the form of the following letter.

***

Dear Divorcee,

First of all let me start by saying I am not doing this to judge you or being mean in anyway. While I don’t know you personally, I know you are an initiated devotee and I do have to respect you for that. So please don’t take offence I anything I write in this letter. That’s not my intention here.

MR BIG BLUE is my everything. He is my first, last and only ever true love. We might not have been married or living together for the last couple years but we might as well have been because we were serious. As far as I was concerned we dealt with the same challenges that people deal with in a marriage and we were working on this until now.

Look, I can’t compete with you really. You understand spirituality in a way I never will. You can certainly help MR BIG BLUE in ways I can’t. But the thing is I was willing to learn so that I could accommodate his beliefs and I think that must at least count for something.

I know things must have been tough for you after things ended with the Mad Man and I won’t pretend to know the ins and outs of your relationship but I can only imagine that ending the marriage was incredibly hard.

When MR BIG BLUE and I moved apart it was pretty much the same thing. Every time I packed away something of ours, it was a memory we had together, so it really ripped my heart to shreds. Right from the very beginning MR BIG BLUE and I had our challenges but somehow by some sort of miracle our paths crossed even though we lived on separate sides of the world. On top of thatwe were able to overcome the distance and make a plan to be together. MR BIG BLUE always told me we must have known each other from a previous life. I thought he was talking nonsense but I have to say my relationships with him was certainly special.

Our relationship goes way further than just the two of us, it involves our families and believe me when I say this is hurting many people, not just me. So, what I am trying to say is that if you think that MR BIG BLUE is your knight in shining in armour here to protect you from the Mad Man or just some rebound guy. DON’T. JUST DON’T. Because to me he is EVERYTHING – my best friend, my family, the person who understands me in a way nobody else ever could. Over the last 5 years, MR BIG BLUE and I grew up together. It started as just 2 kids falling completely head over heels in love with each other but we learnt the hard way about what it takes to have a real grown up relationship.

If after reading this you still continue to push forward with this I truly do wish you both well. I love him so much that I just want him to be safe and happy. But please be kind to him, kinder than I was. MR BIG BLUE has a fragile heart and he has been hurt by too many people. Built him up. Tell him everyday that he is wonderful. Make him laugh. Always have adventures. Encourage him to have a relationship with his family because he really doesn’t know how truly amazing they are. Don’t take him away from them. Love him when he falls down and when he is weak. Always tell him that things will be OK in the end (he always did that for me.) Show him the beauty in the world. Be proud of him always. And if all else fails tell him to come find his old best friend Cinders (that’s me!).

Good Luck although you don’t need it because you got really did get lucky with him.

Lots of LOVE. Hare Krishna.

Cinders x o x o

***

Golly, rewriting that out just had me in tears. This is exactly how I had it written out in my journal (I didn’t edit it out). Things were a bit different when I wrote – MR BIG BLUE was still here. Just FYI I never sent it. But I will tell you more about a conversation I had a

Now over to to you guys. Tell me what you think of the letter.I always appreciate your pearls of wisdom 🙂

Do you think I should have sent it? Do you think I am being unfair towards the Divorcee? Do you think there could have been a better way for me to fight for my relationship? Have you guys been through anything similar ? How did you handle the situation?

Till the next (hopefully happier) episode.

Lots and Lots of LOVE my lovelies.

Cinders x o x o

 

Advertisements

80 thoughts on “Letter to the Divorcee

  1. I would not send that letter to Divorce’. The problem isn’t her .It is him. He isn’t discouraging her in any way from having a relationship which means he doesn’t think much of the one he has/had with you. This is the same as a wife being mad at the other woman when it is the husband who choose someone out of the marriage ( i am speaking from experience because I was the man who did that)

    Liked by 2 people

    • I get you and everyone says she is not the problem and he is. The logical side of me gets that. However, this was just me trying to speak to the decent side of her. She is after all someone who claims to believe in all these high morals after all.

      Liked by 1 person

      • So maybe I didn’t make it clear. I didn’t mean to imply he was mine. I just said is MY EVERYTHING. I love him above all else. He is not just one of many options for me.

        She is basically going through a divorce which hasn;t even been finalised yet. So all I am saying is don’t mess up something MR BIG BLUE and I were working on for the sake of a rebound thing…Does that make sense?

        Then I am just saying to her if she decides she wants to carry on with the relationship regardless of what I’ve said, then I wish them well.

        I just wanted her to know that MR BIG BLUE means a lot to me and I am asking her not to mess things up for the sake of fun times or temporary satisfaction.

        Do you kinda get where I am coming from now? Or am I just completely mental in the head?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ok I get what you are saying but questions to consider…Mr Big Blue means everything to you but do you mean everything to him? It could be a rebound thing for her but that shouldn’t matter to you so why does it?
        You do understand none of this is a issue If Mr. Big Blue put the clamps on her, but he hasn’t so what should that tell you?

        Liked by 1 person

      • I know she is not the problem. If it wasn’t her it would be someone else, etc. BUT right now I just want her gone from the picture.

        MR BIG BLUE is complex kind of guy. He has a lot of issues. So its not so clear cut. I don’t know why he is doing this. I don’t know why he does bad things when things get too tough. I am still trying to understand. I will fill you when I get my answers.

        We have no concrete proof that there is anything going on between MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee. That is why I have been advised not to act too hastily.

        Anyway, I think I dealt with it pretty well. I wrote (didn’t send) this letter. I did try to converse with her (more about that another time). The old me would have gone in guns blazing and scratched her eyes out. It wouldn’t have been pretty. LOL.

        Thank you for being so caring as always.

        LOVE Cinders x o x o

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to agree with the first comment. I think you are laying the blame on the wrong person. He cheated on you twice. He has a relationship with the second one. I think you need to start putting the blame on him….he is making the choices.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Look the first time around our relationship really was in tatters and I understood why it happened. Even being the true romantic that I was I couldn’t honestly say that I wouldn’t have been tempted if there some knight in shining armour came along. There were cracks in our relationship at that time.

      But now things are different. We were making a go of things. We were taking the necessary steps to understand each other. That is why its so confusing and messed up.

      I don’t want to blame her for anything. She is going through a divorce and obviously is vulnerable and looking for comfort. I just wanted her to know what he means to me.

      I didn’t send the letter so no harm done in any case.

      Cinders x o x o

      Liked by 1 person

  3. If you were making a go of things and taking the necessary steps…why did he choose to be with her? I just want you to see that it doesn’t seem he is choosing you anymore. i am most likely quite a bit older than you….and I was in a relationship with the same issues. You want to hang onto what was because at one time it was good. But it’s not anymore. I really think you need to let go. Maybe its not forever, who knows what this crazy world holds in store for us. But for now, it is not working. You are miserable and in pain. Easier said than done, I know. Just a bit on me. I finally gave up on my problem and I am now married to a wonderful man who loves me. No drama involved. Alot of my posts can go back to that time because it was a difficult road to travel. Love shouldn’t be so hard. It really shouldn’t. Anyway, I know you probably don’t like what i say at times, but it is said with concern and from experience. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thankyou for your concern. I know it comes from a good place and I do appreciate it truly.

      The thing is nobody knows for a fact that he is in a relationship with the Divorcee. Its something I have a hunch about and a few other people also do. My thought was just to nip it the bud, before anything happened.

      MR BIG BLUE is weak and he has issues. He runs away from deeper problems…things that I was helping him with. I need to tell you a bit more about the Other Women (the first one I mean) so you’ll see there is a pattern. Both of them fit it and I don’t.

      Fact is I don’t have the full story. I am just filling you on bits and pieces as things come to light.

      I know it sounds a lot like I am making excuses for him. But I guess to some extent that is what you do when you love someone despite all their faults.

      Thankyou for your kind words.

      LOVE Cinders x o x o

      BTW…I am 28, so not really all that young 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  4. …Yeah, problem is not with the divorcee….seems you are trying too hard though…doing most of the work…..The Knight usually does most of the work…remember the Prince and sleeping beauty, he took the thorns for her, grappled with the thickets while she was sleeping and dreaming….

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I know this is going to be hard for you to take but he doesn’t want her gone from the picture. Even if that is what you want. He doesn’t seem to want what you want. If you have to work this hard to keep his attention or to show him how deeply you love him, then it’s not for you. Love is not meant to be hard. It is meant to flow. I know I’m sounding tough on you but I think you as a hopeless romantic are hoping against hope here. I have had reltionship that I had to work at. Then I realized it either flowed or it didn’t. Now I’m in a relationship with my fiance that flows. But I had to let go of the past ones in order to let this one in. It is time to let go of Mr big blue and get ready for new.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Maybe you are right. But the journalist in me needs to know the truth. I can accept its not meant to be. But I need to at least know why. There are a lot of horrible rumours going around…seriously crazy things people are saying. I need to know how much is true before I move on.

      So maybe he doesn’t want me in his life anymore. But if he is serious about her why doesn’t anyone who matters to know (like his folks) they knew about me and the knew about a real girlfriend before me yet they were never told about the Other Women or this Divorcee… I wonder why??? Just one of the many questions I need to have answered.

      I know you probably feel like you are talking to a brick wall right now. But honestly this is just something I am working through…and this blog is helping me with that.

      Love Cinders x o x o

      Liked by 1 person

      • The problem with the need to know is that it can and will be ugly especially when it is something we don’t want to hear. As for the rumours you are hearing they are just that rumors. He may be serious with her but maybe he isn’t which is what I think it is, more likely he likes the freedom he is having now as opposed to being in a committed relationship. You haven’t told family about what you are going through so what makes you think he isn’t doing the same thing. The questions that you have you may not get all the answers you seek at one time. Or you may never get alll the answers. Is that something you are willing to accept?

        Like

      • I have been through this so I am speaking from experience. Nothing hurts more to love someone and they not love you the same. But the answers are not always there at the ready and sometimes there are no answers just more questions. The biggest answers are already been provided for her…he is in India and she isn’t.

        Like

      • and nor am I. But this is definitely something he needed to do alone. I am happy he is away from both of us so maybe if he is making a choice between the two of us he makes it using his head rather than his hormones/emotions.

        Lets just watch this play out…shall we? I guess part of me doesn’t mind not winning MR BIG BLUE back, but I do mind someone like her coming into the picture and ruining the memory of our relationship and the friendship that Mr BIG BLUE and I still share (even from India he messages me everyday). Sigh.

        Like

      • Her coming into the picture has more to do with him than her. If he wanted to he could have easliy have made it a non issue by simply stating he is involved with someone else and needs to keep his focus there. So far going by what you have disclosed he did not, so ask yourself is this sign number one that you need to recogizine emotionally?

        Like

      • I agree with you he could have acted differently. Again, it will seem like I am making excuses for him but MR BIG BLUE has some deep rooted issues which need to be dealt with. I promise his cheating is not so clear cut. But ultimately I get what you are saying that I shouldn’t have to stand for it and I can do better… I can but its just that I worry about him too much to just walk away now.

        Like

      • Yes it does seem like you are making excuses for him, he deep rooted issues is something he has to address not you. You have taken on his issues as your own which causes you to worry more about him as opposed to him worrying about you.

        Like

      • I think I need as many answers as I can possibly find to get some closure and convince my heart that this relationship is truly over. Maybe I need a sign that I can recognise.

        I haven’t told my family because I still have hope that things can be figured out. If I met someone I was serious about I would like to think I’d be decent enough to be open and out and proud about our relationship rather than sneaking around. With me and the previous girl before me (a short 6 month relationship)…he had taken us both home. But not with this one.

        If I am honest, I’d say my heart could rest easier if he told me he needed to ended it/ needed space to be alone – I would respect that. Maybe its my ego thats been bruised by the fact that he is trampling over 5 years for the sake of something that seems pretty meaningless.

        Like

      • Ok let’s say you are right about the need to be convince it’s over…a real sign that you can see is …he is in India and you’re home needing closure. By not talking to your family about this you are denyinmg yourself the support you need from them. Sometimes we think we have to wait until it is all figured out before we disclose what it is going on. Bad move. That is over thinking, and and it is putting off what we know we need to do. The weird thing is you may never and I do mean never get the closure you need to be convince that Mr Big Blue and you are done. By the way, he may be stringing along you and divorcee as well…just saying.

        Like

      • I get what you are saying. But there must come a point when my heart will give up and the feelings will fade and the distance will become an issue. Right? Its only been a week. I actually think the best thing for him right now is to be away from all women entirely and yes, that includes me.

        I know I irritate you … but be patient with me, things are still coming to light.

        Love that you care enough to comment.

        Cinders x o x o

        Like

      • I already feel stronger this time around than when he cheated on me with the Other Women two years ago. I am not breaking down at the fact that he left for India, I am not getting angry. I know I seem sad, but I was worse before. I have already decided that if (a big IF from both of our sides) we have the chance to get back together it won’t be as easy as the first time around. We will need to make serious ground rules and we will need to make some plan to get help/counselling or more support somehow to really address our issues. Its not going to be a fairy tale I know that.

        Like

      • One thing I will say is that you don’ give up easy. However ,if you have to work this hard to maintain a relationship and it’s been 5 years and there are no kids involved and you are not married…then it’s time to emotionally use the strength you feel you have and realize it is time to move on without trying to unturn every rock to be sure you have ever single reason why he is what he is. I have moved on from my last relationship to a wonderful woman, even now I question why ex really dumped me…then it finally hit me the more we wonder the more we miss on what is in front of us… for me it turned out to be the woman I am about to marry, for you it was opportunity to reestablish relationships with family and friends

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yep thats going to be the biggest challenge…but at least I am getting out there and meeting new people instead of sitting around moping. 😛

        Like

      • Nowhere… 😦 Let me take it one step at time. He has only been gone a week, let me just take a bit of time to digest that. I will tackle my family soon.

        Like

      • I know you think I am hard on you but I been down that road and you never are too old to learn from the experiences life dishes out. So when It seems I am really hitting the same points again and again it is to prevent you from further heartbreak than you have already gone through.

        Like

      • I wouldn’t blame you if you gave up on me. But I do appreciate your intentions in trying to save me more heartache.

        Like

      • The more I read your comments, the more I realize how cool it is to be a romantic but how terrible it is to be hopelessly romantic. I can’t seem to understand why you are ignoring all the danger signs strewn along this your romantic journey. You rush headlong like a bull running at a red flag only to have its heart skewered by a ruthless matador…no guy is worth all this heartache believe me…Like I keep emphasizing, it was the prince that went through all the trouble seeking for Cinderella…

        Liked by 1 person

      • Dr Swag…I wish life was a fairytale. Its not like that for us shy, nervous and slightly chubby girls. Because of role reversal…sometime in this day and age the Princess has to put up a fight too 😦 I wish there were guys out there that would be like an old-fashioned Prince but I just don’t see them.

        Like

      • Life can indeed be a fairy tale…Life also sees us the way we see ourselves. The fact that you are shy, nervous and chubby doesn’t mean you are not A TREASURE OF INESTIMABLE VALUE. You are not trash, so you should not allow anyone to make your feelings a foot mat. I believe in fighting for a good cause but i don’t believe on a wild goose chase especially if its going to end in a blind alley. Start seeing yourself differently and in a new light, maybe that is when you will begin to see the old fashioned Princes. It all starts from within my sister….

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yep. I am working on myself first Dr Swag. Starting to build my confidence up…doing the things I love, hanging out with friends, doing yoga, running, dressing better 🙂 Baby steps hey?

        Like

      • …baby but Gigantic!!! Way to go sis! You are on your way to Super transformation! Your Clark Kent is becoming Superman!!! Cinderella with super groovy moves…

        Like

  6. …Well, maybe this Cinderella’s glassy shoe needs to be picked up by another….but only she would know..what say you Cinderella? Your heart needs protecting, you can get another glassy slipper but you only have one heart sis…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. HI, I wanted to reply to your email but it wud not go through since it wasnt a valid email. My answer to your question is YES it is possible but I need your email to be able to share all details.

    Like

  8. I agree with many comments here… It’s not really her fault… It’s him.. If he truly is tempted and is acting on it, then you have your answer. I want to say let him go, but I know how hard it is.. I just want to say that if you are the only one doing all the heavy lifting and he is not, then you also have your answer.. Do you really want To wait for someone like that? Do you want To be in a relationship with someone who doesnt do anything to keep you?

    Like

    • You’ve given me a lot to ponder. I am trying to move on but not succeeding. I will fill you in on my very next post.

      Thanks for commenting. Keep following my story 🙂

      Cinders x o x o

      Like

  9. Hello Cinders, I’ve gone through quite a few of your posts and must say that your journey hasn’t been easy. I can also tell that you have a beautiful heart. That said, you have no reason to allow anyone trample on your heart and feelings the way it has been these past few weeks. In my opinion, what you need now is, not to be in a relationship, but to start a journey of self discovery. You need to know and identify yourself first. Only then can you help another understand you.

    Like

    • Hey there zikaolofin,

      Lovely to have you on the blog. I am glad you’ve been reading my posts. I have been having a tough time for a while now, but only decided to blog about it about a week and half ago. Its been great therapy.

      I totally agree with you. I don’t regret going on 1 date with Yogic Banker but I just don’t think I am actually in the right frame of mind to have a successful relationship right now. Thats why I am going to focus on me for a bit.

      I love having people talk to me on here so keep commenting.

      Love Cinders x o x o

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s