I am a contradiction right now. Forgive me. I promised some of you I would stop waffling on about MR BIG BLUE and in same breathe I said to others that I would offer a few more positive insights into the man so you might be able to understand while I love him. Well, I am not doing either in this post. I am just going to present you with a letter I started to write to him at the end of last year. Basically I wrote this when I had turned up to the temple to fight for my relationship and then found MR BIG BLUE was being uber defensive and not talking to me in any proper way. So here goes (please don’t hate me…)
Dear MR BIG BLUE
i am writing this letter because I am not coping so well and I though I should go back to what I used to do at the beginning when life getting a bit much for me. I don’t really where to start because firstly I doubt you will ever read this and secondly there is just so much to so I need to try and put it down in some logical order.
Anyway lets start with the obvious…I LOVE YOU. Always have and always will. You are my first, last and only true love. How do I know this? How can I make such a sweeping statement? I because of the type of person I am. I feel in love when I met you and its a feeling I can’t even begin to articulate. I am not the kind of girl that can jump around from one guy to the next. I can’t say the thought hasn’t ever crossed my mind but I can say that even if it were possible, it wouldn’t be real. It would just be a robot going through the motions…at the end of day its you has my heart and soul – for this life and every lifetime after this and before (well, you know what I mean).
So I know our relationship was not conventional. If things were different we would have done things in a more decent and proper way. We wouldn’t have been so crazy as to fall in love so fast and move in together so soon. That was probably the first big mistake we made. But then again we had no other option in the circumstances. We were very young and immature (I was for sure) and its easy to look back with 20/20 hindsight and see everything we could have done differently.
You said in one message that there are mistakes we can’t live with and the cheat was too much. But really it was a blip, I know I kept bringing it up with all the emails I was receiving from the Other Women and then her pitching up back here. But that was all my fault, my stupidity and insecurities, me wanting someone else to be hurt for all this that happened and wanting you to fight for me. Stupid, stupid fairy tale stuff, I guess. But if I had any intelligence in my stupid skull, I would have stopped dwelling on things and listened to what Marigold said when he told it was totally possible to move on from this and what happened didn’t undermine the relationship we had already built.He said it was just what happiness when material life gets in the way. He was right. I wish I’d listened. I mean really, really listened and acted on his advice. Gone for hypnosis or whatever and stopped holding a grudge. If I had another chance I would have listened. Really, really I would….
Its a really long letter and I still have more to type up. But I am going to stop there and ask for your opinions. Just bear in mind that this was written a long time ago. My perspectives have changed a little since then so I am not blaming myself as much for the failure of our relationship.
Is it normal to have regrets? Can people every truly get over being cheated on, like the Marigold told me? Do you think us rushing into this relationship was a major cause its downfall? Do you think Cinders is naive?
Looking forward to hearing what you have to say on the beginning of my Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE. I hope you figured from the fact that it is unfinished that I never sent it. I won’t send it because now my attitudes have changed. If anything I will write a new one from scratch because my mind was all over the place when I started jotting this down.
Till next time beautiful people,
LOVE Cinders x o x o