Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 3

My minds not in any space to be blogging about anything too taxing. I am dealing with more drama from Crazy Cat Lady…drama that I don’t need. I just wish these jerk estate agents would sort everything out so that I can just move into the castle and away from CCL and this never-ending drama. I am also in a strop because none of you read or commented on me Surviving Valentine’s Weekend – I need the ego boost.

So here is the next part of that ever-so-long unfinished letter to MR BIG BLUE….

Sadly, my letter to MR BIG BLUE was unfinished so it never got sealed with a kiss :(
Sadly, my letter to MR BIG BLUE was unfinished so it never got sealed with a kiss 😦

Fresh starts. Everyone wants them. But maybe in this situation we can make our very own fresh start without anyone new. I get it MR BIG BLUE, initiation, a new a new, India, new life with a new love – all perfect and new right now but everything gets old eventually.

You keep saying we are broken, but I don’t see it that way. The way I see it, we have cracks. Cracks either get wider or they get fixed. I know that with our determination and love can mend these things. Ask yourself why antiques are so valuable, despite all the cracks and scratches? It’s because they are full of history and they have a story – which is what we have. Something that no one can take away from us is history – It happened, the good, the bad, the ugly and the fun times – it all happened and no amount of fresh starts can change that.

And what’s to say we can’t have a fresh start of our very own? A new life. After initiation you go to India. Come back. New house. Close to the temple. Cooking together. Learning and growing. Maybe another feathered friend. Maybe a puppy. The most beautiful babies in the world and teaching them about the world and protecting them from all the bad things. Just give it a chance.

Through all this one of things that someone said and that sticks with me is that people think that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it isn’t. The grass is actually greener where we water it and that’s what can do/were doing I thought. That way we don’t just green grass but we get flowers too. Sounds stupid but you get the point right?

I’m not saying being with me is going to be easy. But we are best friends and we’ve always looked out for each other and I know you need to be more serious after initiation. I understand that. Just give me a chance to learn what my role needs to be to support you. You know I can do. I know how to check a person (to the extent of stalking – hehe)

If you go to India, just be safe and come back to us in one piece. I heard that things got tough for you at the temple and there were some objections to you getting initiation. You know I would have supported you and been a friend. You didn’t need to push me away because you found someone better or not. Regardless of whether I agreed wholeheartedly with Krishna Consciousness or not, I would always make a plan to support you in the things that made you happy. I always came to your songs during kartik and I tried to do little things to make it easier for you. Sorry it wasn’t enough – I guess sometimes we could do more.

If I could tell you what I really though without being nasty … that would be good. To start, I don’t blame you for anything. Fact is all I care about is that you are OK. It’s not nice having people talk about you   but just realise they will especially in a small community like this. Beyond all the gossipers you have to realise there are good people. People who care about you, and believe it or not care about me too. Don’t push them away.

***

fixing old relationship
Something MR BIG BLUE once sent me…I wish he had truly believed it because I do 😦

So there you have it folks. The end of the Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE. That’s where it ends. Now it’s your turn…please do comment because it will serve to improve my mood significantly.

Do you ever think there are relationships that are beyond repair? When should a hopeless romantic give up on a relationship? Do you think it’s better to go for something shiny and new like MR BIG BLUE is or work on fixing something that’s a little damaged but has a long history? For future reference, would you say that if I see something that I guy and I don’t gel on do you think I should run away or stay and work on it like I did here with MR BIG BLUE?

Would love love love to hear your thoughts.

Till the next time when I will hopefully have more of a smile of my dial.

Cinders x o x o

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20 thoughts on “Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 3

  1. yes, some relationships are beyond repair…sadly I think yours with MBB is one of them. I don’t see a happily ever after of him returning from India and expressing his undying love. Way too much baggage that I do not think a short time away will take care of. He is going to come back and be dealing with the same issues that he left in regards to the HK. Relationships are a give and take. His later actions are much more of a take.
    Don’t be in a hurry about a new relationship. Have fun. If you gel with someone great, but you don’t need to try and look for a spark if it is not there. You are in rebound mode…….well maybe not quite because you havent given up on MBB. Until you realize that it is over, no new relationship will work because your heart is not in it.

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    • It really does make me sad when people say that something can’t be fixed. I really do love him. There is no spark with anyone else for me. Yet he is has all sorts of sparks with all sorts of other girls…things are so easy for some people. I wish I could just love so easily. It took me so long to find him and I guess that is why there is a little part of me still fighting, although it is pretty much a losing battle.

      Yep, you are right. He ran away from the drama. And its still going to be here when he returns.

      You are right. Nothing will work out with anyone I date until I stop comparing them to the magic I had with MBB. Even on Saturday with the Yogic Banker, the only reason I had a semi good time was because I got to talk about MBB, it was nothing to do with the Yogic Banker’s riveting conversation or magic chemistry between us.

      Sigh. Somedays are tougher than others. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

    • Yep and I did the best I could. I was just a little disappointed in myself, because I let myself down right at the end. Guess it was inevitable though 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Cindy Cindy Cindy…This is too one sided . He doesn’t strike me as the type that puts any effort into a relationship which is why he has moved on and will continue to move on from woman to woman. I do think it is admirable that you stuck it out this far with someone who doesn’t have any interest beyond the immediate. Mr Big Blue is a simple case of the shinny Nickel and the dull dime. This is why going forward it is important for you to find someone who fits you to a tee. I used to t think ok if it doesn’t work I will make it work (Like how you feel about Mr Big Blue) but why should you have to work that hard to convince someone of your feelings for them or the relationship you both have. It is obvious he didn’t see the relationship the same way you did. Now you need to find someone who shares your vision of a relationship. And don’t think you will not find someone because in time you will.

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    • I realise that now…I was willing to work at it. Like I am willing to work at everything in my life. When I wanted to run a marathon, I persevered and completed it. When I looked for jobs, I sent out 100s of applications and got lots of rejections but I carried on and eventually a job came along. I guess relationships are different though…its not just my effort that counts and if the other party doesn’t care, I can’t compensate.

      Maybe next time I will put all my effort into someone who appreciates it. Maybe I will get a second chance.

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      • See there you go again. You can’t will a relationship and you shouldn’t have to work at it. After many years of marriage. .. and then a failed relationship. .. I ended up in a healthy flowing relationship. It’s not about working hard so someone will appreciate it. It’s about being you and let them appreciate you for you. Which is something. ..Mr Big Blue didn’t do.

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      • I get what you are saying. I am trying to build my confidence up – running, yoga, ‘dating’…all of these things I hope will help me have more happiness in myself so I don’t have to seek approval from a man.

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  3. Yeah but its tough being stuck inside your own head. Its easier to keep busy on the outside. But then there will always be moments when I am stuck inside my own head and that is when the tears come pouring 😦

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  4. Don’t cry over someone not worth crying over.. I know, some things take time to get over. One day you will look back and think, what was I thinking!

    I agree with everyone here.. When he comes back, the drama will remain. Seems like you are the only one willing to work on the relationship, and love is never a one way street. You are worth more than that!!

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    • Thanks for the confidence boost. I can see that this relationship is not a priority in his life. I am a better person though because I actually do care what happens to him. I want to know that he is not left on the street (I am sure the Divorcee will put him up), Anyway, I won’t stop caring anytime soon…that is just who I am when it comes to him. I also realise I need to do more to protect my heart as well…there aren’t to many more heartaches that I can really handle.

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    • You are too kind. Its weird … that picture was something he sent me when I thought we were working on things. I thought it summed me up…I am an old soul and always wish I was born in a different time when things were simpler. I.e. you settled for one person and made it work, none of this divorcing and finding someone better nonsense. I honestly thought he believed in fixing things too…I guess I was wrong!

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  5. I have read all three parts to MBB…and I could tell you all those cliche’ things people love to say during times such as these….”it will get better,” “you deserve better,” “your guy is out there somewhere,” blah, blah, BLAH! First, let me start by saying I must research some of your religious references as I am not familiar with them (although I am intrigued and love learning new thigns). Now, let me give you my perspective. I have no idea how old you are, perhaps, it is irrelevant. From what I have gathered from these letters, this was your first love and all the little sayings people say, will not lessen your hurt, will not make you question yourself less, and I am sorry to be the one to say this….you will ALWAYS wonder, “what if?” I call it FLS (first love syndrome). Does that mean that you won’t move on, find love, find happiness, and someone more befitting? ABSOLUTELY NOT! It is just not relevant to talk about future said love…I speak from experience. Do not do this backwards, heal, hurt, bleed, and feel…..feel each and every ounce of pain, joy, and heartache that this relationship brought with it. Reflect, don’t blame yourself, but ask how you can be better in the next relationship. Let this be a time of finding yourself, your identity…..without MBB! I think you will find a freedom in it.
    As to your question about do I think that some relationships are beyond repair, sadly yes. Such sounds like it is the case with your not so happily ever after…not because love cannot repair the most broken relationship, but instead because MBB seems more self-absorbed than ready to fix anything that is broken. I am married, after 13 years with the same man,there has been so many ups/downs/and in betweens…..we have cracks, indentations, scratches, and scars. Do I believe you should work on love rather than find something new? I certainly do! Me and my Mr have molded, and superglued parts of each other back together….You see that is happily ever after……not just the love, flowers and hearts but the dark, scary places.
    My advice? Mourn him, but know your self worth, remember the things you loved about him but seek out someone who lacked the bad parts that left you hurting. Take time, no joke, really reflect….you will feel the freedom in it. And lastly, LOVE AGAIN when you are ready, not out of grief, not out of needing more than yourself, not out of desire of not being alone, but because you want to extend yourself to the next person. Be that garden you spoke of watering, feed yourself, spiritually, emotionally, and purge every drop of remorse…..then when your next Mr. Happily Ever After comes along, you will be your own garden. You will be able to walk through it together, and tend the places that need tending, weed out the places that have grown up and are no longer needed, and if he is the right guy he will let you into his garden. Do not run if there are places that need attention; we all have areas we neglect. But if you enter in and you see that his garden is thwarted with briars, thorns and dead things, then leave, love can’t live where ugliness resigns. He must tend his own heart before he can share it with you. Your job is not to fix, it is to nurture in every relationship. Sorry for the long response, I just relate to this post, good work!

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    • Thanks for your long response. It really means a lot to me when readers take the time to comment so nicely. Like I keep saying, this blog is the therapist I can’t afford to pay for elsewhere.

      I am almost 30…MBB took the best part of my 20s. And yes he is my first love.

      I get everything you are saying. I will always be open to love, I just wish there weren’t so many people in the world who didn’t believe in it and went around trying to destroy other peoples belief in it.

      Keep reading and comment I appreciate all the advice, encouragement and insights 🙂

      Cinders x o x o

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      • I can completely relate! I am 33 and been with my husband for almost 14 years. We have grown up together. There are still people out there who believe in love, they are just not as abundant! Keep up the faith! I will continue to read, and give insight 🙂 I am waiting for a new blog in the future that refers to Mr. Right! And writing is my therapy as well! The best outlet ever invented is putting words to paper!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I am glad you got your happy ending. I gives me hope 🙂 Thank you for following my story . Everyones insights really get me thinking and that helps 🙂 Yup send me all your good vibes so i find my Prince Charming soon 🙂

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