And he’s back … And I’m so not ready

What the hell is up with MR BIG BLUE? Last week when I told him that Crazy Cat Lady kicked me out, he responds by telling me that a) I had outstayed my welcome with her and b) that he MIGHT be coming back early. Now today he messages me to say he will be back tomorrow…I’m all like WTF??!! (Although, I’m have a hunch he could have been back a while already…maybe shacked up with the divorcee or maybe he even planned on coming back at the beginning of the month as he knew that was when my house was meant to be ready… and he knows I would have given him a roof over his head if I could).

I expected him to be gone for at least 2 months. I wasn’t happy with the situation because I felt he was running away from all his issues here but I mentally prepared myself the reality that he would be gone. I expected it to be hard but I found ways to cope and friends to help me deal with the stress. I began to open up more with people. I started to find my own feet at the Hare Krishna Temple.  I felt like I was starting to make progress and be open to the fact that there were possibly better people for me out there. And then this happened!

meeting an ex again
Wouldn’t it be nice if things could be so simple ???

I’m not sure when I will see him exactly but it will definitely be at some point in the next few days.

So what do I do? I struggled to say goodbye but now I wonder if I am ready to say hello again? I was just starting to explore possible feelings I had for someone new, someone who has the potential to be truly wonderful – could seeing MR BIG BLUE just end up jeopardizing this? Without him here I began to see things for what they were…the whole situation is too messed up for me to be part of. Now with him back I am worried he will win me over someway or somehow. How do I stop this happening? Despite all his done, I don’t want to be hurtful or mean to him. How do I talk to him without getting angry or emotional? And why or why can’t I just have a stress-free weekend ever? First Crazy Cat Lady drama and now this? Am I finally getting rid of all the deadwood in my life?

Would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your thoughts. HELP !!!!

Love

Cinders x o x o

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11 thoughts on “And he’s back … And I’m so not ready

  1. First things first, your tagline about looking for love……..I’ve tried that and the old people are right, never look for love……be open to it but don’t chase behind it. I understand how hard it is to say no to the man you are weak for but love should make you strong not weak…….remember that and don’t give into your weakness.

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    • Hi Abby Kay,

      Nice to have you on my blog. The logical side of my mind says that you are right…however it really isn’t that easy in reality. However, I am trying to make myself more independent so when MR BIG BLUE clicks his fingers I will too busy doing other things to go running. Lets hope.

      Hope you enjoy the blog and continue to follow 🙂

      Cinders x o x o

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  2. The time that MBB has been away you have been working on yourself so trust that the things you have worked on were getting you prepared for this moment. It is time to let MBB see what you have blossomed into. The feelings you are developing for NGC will be tested. Not to see how real but how strong are they. In the end, you will do the right thing.

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    • The situation with NCG is confusing. Part of me things he could like me…he has encouraged me to end things with MBB and been totally supportive of me, he is always willing to hang out with me one on one, he gave me tickets to a gig that were meant for his ex (so kinda took me in her place), we always have fun when we are together as well BUT then again we are friends, sometimes he treats me like a buddy telling me about girls he fancies, scary stories of his ex, etc etc. I love our friendship, its been a long time since I have had a male friend that I’ve clicked with and I am scared that if we take things any further things will end up messed up and I will lose the friendship altogether. Either way, nothing will happen (because, he is a real gentleman and won’t let it) until MBB is totally out of the picture. So we just wait with baited breathe I think….sigh !

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  3. Hmmm… Great timing.. What does your heart say? I think that you’re ready to move on and let go of MBB..

    It’s high time.. The universe is telling: new house, new man… You’ve clearly grown! He doesnt fit in to your life anymore..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lol ! Moon you make me laugh 🙂 New House….had been delayed. New man….is a grey area. So you really could look at the situation either way 😉

      Thanks for always reading and commenting it means a lot. 🙂

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      • Always my pleasure 😉 I think it’s also a sign to re-evaluate.. Get things together and find closure for Certain things. Until then everything is still unclear.

        I think we can all agree: find closure with MBB. After that everything will slowly fall into place 🙂

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  4. Stay strong! Think of all the heartache he has caused. You are just getting to the point of thinking you can let go, so do not put yourself back at square one. Obviously he is still indecisive…he could not even stay in India for very long. Too much baggage. Do not let him unpack it again with you.

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    • Your comment made me smile a little. I hope now that he has returned he will be forced to face his demons. I do hope the Hare Krishna community will hold him accountable for his lies and actions. Part of me just wants him to sort himself out but I think I’ve accepted that its over now and that there is more happiness to be had in this world. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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