Can a relationship ever survive if its built on a foundation of lies ?

Don’t hate me for writing the post. I know it makes me sound likes the jilted ex but these thoughts keep swirling around in my mind and I want to hear your take on it. I’d love to get some conversation and debate going on here. I mentioned to some of you that I’d like to write a book based on this blog at some point, so its always worth causing a stir. Artistic licence or something like that.

Even though when I met MR BIG BLUE on Monday he wouldn’t admit to being involved with the Divorcee,my gut still tells me something is going on. The same way it did a couple of years back with the Other Women. My gut hasn’t failed me before and I doubt it will now.

I admit that part of this is based on jealousy, so please feel free to call me out as I know some of you will. When I think about the ‘relationship’ between MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee, i just want to shake him and scream : ‘What the hell are you thinking, dude?’. To me it seems that maybe she is ideal for him in his eyes but all the sneaking around, hiding and not being able to be open about being in a relationship with someone you supposedly love – isn’t this is all a basis for failure?

relationship foundation
How important are truthful foundations?

Before I met MR BIG BLUE I’d never been truly open about a relationship before. When I look back now, I think subconsciously I knew that those guys that I was ‘dating’ previously weren’t anything to be proud of and clearly not people I thought were worth introducing to my family or friends (although, at the time I would never have admitted it). But even those relationships weren’t in the same league of what MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee are doing.

I understand there are many potential reasons for sneaking around. She wants to keep it hidden because the divorce isn’t even finalized and the Hare Krishna community will definitely judge her from jumping into something new so soon. He wouldn’t want it to come out because it will simply serve to reinforce this image of him as a ladies man…after all it seems that many people had some knowledge about his affairs with the Other Women.You must understand that the Hare Krishnas are incredibly religious and wouldn’t really approve of such sordid behaviour so I figure to some extent they are trying to save themselves from being ostracized.

OK, but beyond the Hare Krishna community, what reasons do they have from hiding in the real world. MR BIG BLUE introduced me to his family within one month of knowing me (even though at the time, I could have been just a mere holiday romance). He took me to their beautiful estate and showed me where he grew up. I remember clearly the night before we went on that trip, I complained that he never wanted to take me out and show me off. He replied by saying he is showing me off to the only people that matter…i.e his family. They’d also met the girlfriend before me. But not the Other Women and the Divorcee…I wonder why?! In my mind, if you truly love someone especially in the early honeymoon stage, you should be desperate to show them off proudly.

In one of my conversations with the Oracle, he said one thing that sticks with me. He basically said he’d always thought our relationship had been good for MR BIG BLUE and that I really was the right girl for him and with regards to the Divorcee situation he said she must remember that ‘if he did it with you, he’d eventually do it to you’. Meaning that he cheated on me with her, and eventually he’d get bored of her as well and find another chick to cheat on her with. I wonder.

lies in relationships
My sentiments exactly

The thing is with myself and MR BIG BLUE there was no cheating. I was never an ‘other’ women to him. When we met we were young and things were really clear cut. It was just the two of us against the world. Making the most of every moment and having amazing adventures. Whatever messes we created along the way, I know that our relationship started of beautifully and noone can take that away from me. That is why I will never hate him. I will love him for those memories. It doesn’t mean I won’t be able to create new memories with someone else but all I am saying is that our relationship worked for as long as it did because the basic foundation was based on a truth.

So what I am asking all of you is that can a relationship ever survive if its built on a foundation of lies? Can an affair really blossom into something decent a real? Were any of you once the other women/man in an affair? How did things turn out?

I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for listening.

Lots of Love Cinders x o x o

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73 thoughts on “Can a relationship ever survive if its built on a foundation of lies ?

  1. you knew I was going to reply lol. No relationship will last if it is based on lies. I am talking from experience. I was in a 30 year marriage.I cheated on my then wife. The woman and I began a relationship of which at the beginning I lied about being married for fear she wouldn’t go out with me. In spite of the lie she decided to have a relationship with me. But she would from time to time say she didn’t trust me, even though I didn’t cheat on her because I cheated with her it made everything in question. My marriage was over so I divorced my wife, finally we dated without the cloud of me being married. After two years of dating she dumped me while we were on vacation and one of her reasons was the trust issue because of the lie I told at the beginning. She never got over that regardless what I did. Lies undermind a relationship and at somepoint the relationship will crack under the weight of the lies.
    Some affairs do lead to the couple getting married and being happy but they are rare and usually because of the honesty factor it survive and thrive. You know in your gut he is lying to you. It undermines the very foundation for which you want. You may be good for him but he isn’t good for you. Time to move on and not just give it lip service but really move on heart soul body and mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah I get what u r saying. I guess I am just a bit bitter at the moment. It feels like everyone got what they wanted. The Other Women had her ban lifted at the temple. The Divorcee got the guy. Despite the fact that he did me wrong, MBB gets a second chance with someone new. And there’s me who stuck by him through everything and what do I get heartbreak and humiliation. I guess I wrote this post so mayb ppl could tell me things won’t work between him and divorcee. I am trying to move on … hearts broken. soul is lost. body doesn’t care and mind still wanders back to MBB. But I am trying and hoping one day things will b better.

      Oh, this is probably going to sound really naive but….u seem like such a nice guy, how did u end up cheating ? Things seemed to have worked for you now….maybe they will also work out for MBB ?

      Liked by 1 person

    • This is so true! One of my best friends has been married to her husband that she met having an affair–for 14 years now. It’s so, so rare and they’ve had their share of blending their family in the midst of the discovery of that affair early on. It’s been painful ongoing.

      In my own affair with “Him” (our shared blog “Tales of 2 Lovers”) there was a part of me that didn’t trust–partially because he had two ongoing affairs when he met me. He ended those but the reality was–he was still cheating on his wife. And even if he had left his wife for me, there would’ve been that underlying distrust that he could do it to me. Your advice is sage, “time to move on and not just give it lip service but really move on heart soul body and mind.” We have to wade through the pain of withdrawal and then there will be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow no? ๐Ÿ™‚ “Her”

      Liked by 3 people

      • Thanks for this comment. Maybe it will work out for MBB … maybe he will be one of those rare cases you speak off. It doesn’t seem fair but the world is a strange place. I think its best to focus on myself right now. We’ll see what happens to him further down the line.

        I’ll keep my eye on that pot of gold.

        Liked by 1 person

      • It was a tough lesson about trust. I didn’t cheat on my ex girlfriend at all and I know she tried to Bait me to see of I would. But I realized two things if I ever even thought of cheating I will end the relationship I am first. But I will be honest up front. Second it is hard to earn a person’s trust once it’s broken. I am in a healthy loving warm relationship. We talked candidly about my past. She is wonderful. We are getting married in June.

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      • Yay. Happily Ever After ๐Ÿ™‚ I am glad you guys talked about it all and everything worked out well for you.

        I understand ppl fall in love with new ppl. I just wish they’d at least end it with the old ppl properly. Either way it would have hurt me…but at least further down the line I could look back with more respect for him then.

        Oh well. Ho hum.

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      • Sometimes we don’t realize we didn’t end it properly until it is too late. MBB doesn’t understand that yet and you have to really move on like I said heart soul body and mind.

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      • I am trying. Slowly but surely it will happen. Like one friend said I getting rid of all the dead wood in my life … first Crazy Cat Lady and now MBB.

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      • Hmm…the Dr Sparkle situation is a little more complicated than I first thought. I need to do another post on that. But I can’t be sure he is really looking for something real at the moment. I think maybe we’ll just end up staying friends for the time being.

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  2. I think a relationship based or built on lies has no legitimate future. I don’t think you can sustain a relationship based on either given that 1) how will you ever trust that there is any solid truth to build on, 2) lies are hurtful, 3) if you are both participating in the lie, you will eventually want to drive towards the truth. I always say, it’s not a matter of “if” you will be discovered, but “when.” Blessings as you navigate this break up. You are a princess–don’t have a pauper mentality when it comes to men. You deserve someone who is emotionally available and makes you his priority above all other women. Much love, “Her”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your insight. I really love reading your blog.

      I do want MR BIG BLUE to be OK. i honestly do care about him. If he had to replace me I just wished he’d done it in the correct way. End things with me. Wait a fair while. Then get with someone who is better than me. Not someone else’s sloppy seconds. I guess I was flattering myself thinking he wouldn’t choose someone damaged like her over me. But I guess that is his type…DAMAGED women. I know its my jealousy coming through. Give me time. I will find my Prince Charming.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I hate to say this but you got something out this as well…ANSWERS. They were not the answers you wanted or wanted to hear but they are answers you need to hear. And jealous of what ? Divorce has the guy now and remember what I said 2 years later it was over for me. Give that affair time. If they are still together tip your hat. As for me I ended cheating because I knew my heart wasn’t where it needed to be and we were drifting apart and I was accused of things anyway …so…Things worked out for me but not without alot of pain and I paid a heavy price. I am lucky that I am with a amazing woman and I love her dearly. I learned the hard way from my mistakes first mistake was not being honest with myself(like MBB) If you can’t be honest with yourself then you will not be honest with anyone else. If things work out for MBB with someone else don’t let it consume you. And one last thing don’t be stubborn about the answers you were seeking all along. Sometimes we over look the fact we asked for answers, and then when we get them we say…that’s not it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It makes sense now to me…why you get my blog and why you always make comments that make me uncomfortable but also force me to think differently. You were in MR BIG BLUE’s position.

      Do you ever blame the women you cheated on for you cheating? Why didn’t you just end it with her properly and then get with the affair lady? That’s what I wonder about MBB…Couldn’t he have afforded our relationship at least some degree of respect.

      I have tried to be more self-reflective here as well. See first time round with the Other Women I understand I had a role to play in driving him away from me and towards her…but with the Divorcee its different, I thought we were on the right track…that is why it hurts so much more I guess.

      Do you still have contact with your ex-wife ? How is she doing now? I know the questions are personal…but I just wonder how she got through it and years later whether her life turned out as well as yours did?

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Hi, Cinderella. I am the other half of “talesof2lovers” and I want to say that I completely agree with “Her” on this. There’s very, very little chance of a lasting, trusting, exclusive relationship with someone in whom you invested your heart exclusively, but he did not do the same. If that is what you were hoping for with MBB, then it’s very good that you’ve decided against that now. It hurts like heck and you may miss him terribly, but “Her” is right — you deserve better. Through the experience that “Her” and I shared, I learned that it is just too easy for a casual relationship to morph into a desire for exclusive commitment and when that is not possible, for any number of reasons, then we’re just setting ourselves up for a whole lot of hurt. I hope that the right man, who is completely available, comes into your life soon and that you can start a new relationship based on honesty and availability. If you find that he is not completely available to give his heart to you exclusively, then do yourself a favor and either put a definite limit to what you’re willing to share with him or bow out gracefully, but quickly. If not, given that your heart is searching for exclusive connection, you’ll just be blindly heading down the same path to incredible disappointment and pain, even if he is not intended to do that to you. I never wanted to do that to “Her”, but I know that I did and I feel incredibly badly about it. Save yourself and him a lot of excruciating hurt. There are guys available out there. Focus on becoming the best person possible for the lucky man who will be available to receive you as the true gift you are and, when the time is right, he’ll enter your life. Don’t give up on this. It happens and I believe it will happen for you. “Him”

    Liked by 1 person

    • It wasn’t really like I had a choice. I think I fought tooth and nail for MR BIG BLUE and in the end he felt so bad abouthimself that he thought he’d rather try something new than work on our long-term slightly damaged but best friends relationship.

      Yep I definitley plan on working more on myself so when the right guy comes along I will be ready and less burdened by the baggage left by MR BIG BLUE.

      Love your blog. Thanks for commenting.

      Cinders x o x o

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I didn’t blame anyone else for everything but me. I chose to pursue my ex girlfriend and knew I was headed for trouble by lying. My ex wife talk primarily because we have grandkids so because they live with her we have communicate respectfully. On the subject of lying…believe it or not I lied so my ex wouldn’t throw you’re married in my face. It was wrong and it undermined that relationship. I learned a painful lesson.

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    • OK…Well I guess you and your ex-wife were at a completely different stage of life to me and MBB. I don’t know which is better though because right now I wish there was still something still connecting him to me…like you guys have the grandkids. We don’t have anything…but some would say that was a blessing, I can make a clean break.

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      • I don’t see it as a blessing right now because I miss him and I have to stop myself from messaging him all the time. Maybe in time I will see things differently. Its all still a bit raw right now.

        Yeah, you definitely force me to think differently. You tell the harsh truth which hurts me sometimes but I guess its also what I need to hear.

        So thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

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      • Once you meet your future one and only you will look back on this as I didn’t I run quicker. You’re lingering makes moving on more difficult. Being an adult is more harder than we want to admit and we all want a happy ending. Yours will come bit it can’t come until you truly let go without a safety and trust yourself you will land on your feet.

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      • But from where will the ‘One’ come?? I tried tinder, all the guys were so useless and there was no spark. Its hard to find a spark like I had once with MBB.

        i thought I had a sparkle with Dr.Sparkle but now I am in two minds.

        Still I will keep trying ๐Ÿ™‚ I have to because I refuse to turn out like Crazy Cat Lady ๐Ÿ™‚

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      • Don’t worry about where it’s coming from just be ready for when it happens regardless of who it’s with. Let it be a surprise and you will appreciate it more.

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      • Because I am not normal, maybe a bit nuts in the head. I miss him. I miss our friendship. I miss feeling so comfortable with a guy. That is partly why I miss the connection.

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      • It’s natural to feel that way that’s why break ups leaf to reunions but…there are reasons s why someone is your ex. They don’t feel the same way.

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      • Yep you are right…but its weird. He still brings me gifts from India, that mean a lot. He can’t be all bad…can he?

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      • But the things he gave we small, but thoughtful…not really grand gestures. But I guess he knows me. I’m not wow’d byy diamonds and flowers but by things that stem from memories.

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      • Stop hanging your hat on him. If he were into you one he would be honest about divorce. He would have found a way to make you a real part of his experience in india. Not bring things back.

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      • I totally agree here! If he were really into you he would have included you in everything!

        Be strong now! More beautiful things await you, i’m sure of it!

        Right now you’re hurt and miss him.. That’s normal. In time it will be less and less.. Once you found someone, you will look back and think, wtf was I ever thinking! I dunno when that will be, but i’m sure that day will come. Be ready! ๐Ÿ™‚

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      • Thanks for sending out the good vibes hopefully all the positive energy I am receiving from you guys will lead to happier times ahead. I hope.

        Thanks for reading and taking the comment. I always appreciate it.

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      • Its not really about us being into each other. We are beyond that stage now and have been for a while. He doesn’t want me as his girlfriend because the relationship was so damaged and he believed it wasn’t possible to fix or basically didn’t care to try. But he still thought about me, even for one milisecond while he was in India…give me that much. At least I can believe he still a good person and I didn’t fall for a complete monster. Stupid things we hold on to sometimes.

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      • Again you hanging on to something that isn’t there. You are still into him but it will pass and if he thought it was that damaged why lend you his car? He gave too many mixed signals but the point is it’s clean the mess time. He maybe a good preson but he is a good person who made bad decisions.

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      • The car meant nothing. I realise that now. Just got a sign that he really things nothing of me and just wants to protect himself.

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      • Well the temple want to have a meeting to allow MBB to prove his innocence. They have invited both me and the Other Women. I agreed to go and hear him out and then I went and told him that I had been invited. He then came back telling me that I shouldn’t go because they’d all be pushing an agenda. I asked him what agenda? He said they’d want to prove we were in a relationship for the past 2 years (which we were) but MBB says to me we weren’t really in a relationship…just best friends who were there for each other. Hmmm…. Yup I think he has lied so much he has even got himself convinced about these lies. I told him straight up that if I hadn’t believed we were in a real relationship I wouldn’t have gone and visited his folks, gone camping with him…not slept in the same bed as him, etc. I said I was sad he thought so lowly of me. He came back with that these people just wanted to discuss our whole relationship and tarnish it all. He asked me to back him up. I said I would. I don’t care anymore. Its over. But I am still loyal to him.

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  6. Seriously??? loyal to him for what? He went to India and came back to basically say to you if they ask you tell them you were not in a relationship with him and you agreed to back him on that??? Really?? After he just basically said you are nothing to him? He has alot of secrets to hide from everyone . he is ashamed of your relationship and maybe now you will finally see the answers the universe has shined in your direction. Don’t lower yourself any further to him please that would be humiliating for you.

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    • I just don’t care anymore. Yup I mean NOTHING to him. Yet, I am the only one of these girls that ever met his folks. All these stupid Hare Krishna girls are just sordid little secrets from the real world and I was his sordid little secret in theirs. Still all I want to do is help him.

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      • God knows. I don’t know whats wrong with me. I don’t know why the hell I still gave a damn but I do. I wish I was stronger. But I am worried about everyone leaving him and him feeling alone. Although he would deserve it. I wouldn’t like it to happen to me. I would like to know there was someone there to help me. I wouldn’t want everyone to turn their back on me.

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      • Yeah, I don’t expect it to make sense to anyone. Love defies logic it seems. I know on paper he seems terrible. But my heart is still kind and she chooses to remember all the good times and the sweet moments rather than focus on the heart. I guess thats all I can say on why I still bother about MBB.

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      • Hehe…I will keeping screaming here on this blog because I can’t do it any place else!

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      • If he is left alone it is because of his own doing. You can’t take on this burden for him. We all are accountable for the things we do,both good and bad. Let him stand accountable for his secrets and lies. By having his back you become an accomplice to his lies and damage your own reputation. he has proven not to be worth risking for. Yes I agree I wouldn’t want there to be no one there for me but…in this case he needs to stand alone.

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      • …..most likely, but people play by different rules and have different values. However, it will ultimately come back and bite them in the posterior like a rabid dog…

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      • Well I hope so. I don’t wish anything bad upon MBB because stupidly enough my hear still loves him. But the Divorcee has screwed up something I worked so hard on for over five years. Her mere existence is a thorn in my side. I couldn’t careless if she got run over by a truck or died a cruel and painful death. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. Let the world judge me for that.

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      • …Cindy, you have the wrong specs on…The problem is not with Divorcee but with Blue….He has a will and choice…..Divorcee might just have saved you from a monumental futuristic HEARTBREAK…

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      • I know ! I know ! In my head I get it…she is not the problem. The evidence is against him. Not against her. But I am just expressing what my heart is feeling. I am over being mature and decent about the situation.

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      • …You are weeping up an ocean for a ship which sailed ages ago….Look around, lots of Luxury yachts waiting to have you on…You cant see them, however, cos you are only seeing blue….

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Ok….why are you so concerned about their relationship, and if it will last? Is it still your hope that it will not last and he will come back to you? That is kinda what is seems like… You have to quit this cold turkey. This hanging on and feeling a sense of loyalty to him is very misplaced. You will never move on if you are still involved in all this nonsense at the temple. This is not your problem. You are still taking on his problems. Stop messaging him and worrying what is going on in his relationship. You cannot be friends with him, at least not now. That does not work….it just prolongs things. You need to see all these signs for what they are. You have your answers, at least the ones you really need. All the others are just curiosity and jealousy. Trying to figure out what he is doing in a relationship is just hurting you over and over again. He has moved on and you need to, as well. You are making all this so much harder on yourself…you really are. Hope that wasn’t too brutal….I just care and I hate to see you continuing to be loyal to someone who does not deserve it.

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    • Maybe I am bitter and twisted now because of all this but the truth is I don’t want it to last. I know that my relationship with MBB is NOT salvageable. But I just wonder why. Its my curiousity and jealousy – yes you are right. Why does he want someone else’s sloppy seconds? Because she has so much money and can buy him stuff? There is a lot of stuff going on in my head and things also just took a turn for worse. I will update you on the next blog post. But basically when you think your heart can’t break anymore, he just pushes me even further over the edge. If I still end up believing in love when I get through this…it will b a real miracle.

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