One Step Forward…Two Million Steps Back

Despite all the criticism you guys have thrown at me recently I think my last couple of posts have been a break from the norm. For one thing, I didn’t mention HIM. And there I was actually enjoying my life again – spending time with friends, crushing on Dr.Sparkle, even kissing JSWIPE. I started to feel like I was making progress. I was beginning to think things were getting easier, that maybe one day I would wake up and MR BIG BLUE would not be the first person that popped into my head.

one step forward, two steps back
Really? It doesn’t feel like progress.

And then kind of out of nowhere he rears his ugly (actually its quite pretty) head. A couple of days ago I got a message from MR BIG BLUE. He was telling me he is feeling all down in the dumps. He says there is no purpose for him here. That he is useless and has no place in the material world. He says he wants to go back to India. He says the Hare Krishna temple is no longer his safe haven because of the rumours people have spread about him. He says the Oracle and the Other Women have ruined his life. His says life has to be a big fat secret. He told me he was sorry he let me down.

My immediate thoughts were ‘well, it seems like there is trouble in paradise’.  And I have to admit, there was part of me that was a little bit happy because a) after what he had put me through I thought he deserved a little taste of his own medicine and b) I was thinking so you left me to pursue happiness with that thing (The Divorcee)…so much for happily ever after, hey?. I wanted to ask him how this relationship was expected to survive when it was all based on lies.Part of me wanted to say I told you so, see the grass is not greener over there on the richer side of town. But I didn’t.

I felt sorry for him. I still see him as a little blond haired, blue eyed boy. I just wanted to be close to him so I could give him a cuddle and tell him that he was loved by me (yes, sad to say it but there is a little part of my heart that cares about him) and also by his family. I wanted to tell him, that we could sort through everything and that I was here for him. I wanted to shake him and say what the hell are you doing? Come back to me, the girl who has loved you no matter what! I wanted to tell him that she is forcing him to hide their relationship to protect her own reputation, while he isolates himself from the people that actually care. But it wasn’t my place to say any of that. So I didn’t.

Instead I told him to cheer up. I told him things would get better. I said if he wanted to go to the temple, then he’d have to face the rumours and put things right. I made him laugh, the way we used to laugh together. (He said I had a unique sense of humour, that no one could take away). I told him, I was his friend. Best friend. Always. I told him that I loved him and that I understood. I said he should reach out to his family. I also let him know I wasn’t stupid and that I knew more than the thought I did. I said I would help out if he gave me the chance. I really don’t understand why I still care.

So how do think I handled it? Why do I still care? Why can’t I switch my feelings off? Am I really making any progress at all by going on these dates? Or am I just finding myself attracted to slightly bad boys like JSWIPE as a distraction? Will I really ever get over my first love?

P.S. As a side note. Apparently, the Mad Man (Divorcee’s not quite ex-husband) apparently pitched at her house with the police to fetch his stuff. He found her there with MR BIG BLUE. He wasn’t pleased (naturally). He went to the temple and made a huge scene about it. Crazy. Crazy. I’m glad I’m staying away from all the drama now.

Be kind. Cheer me up today. I need it.

Cinders x o x o

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25 thoughts on “One Step Forward…Two Million Steps Back

  1. I agree with you that it is good you stayed away from all of his drama. That said please stay away from him. He is turning to you in his time of need and once his need passes he will be back to all his secrets and lies and leaving you inn the dark. (don’t forget it was he who took off to India and left you behind) Don’t feel too sorry for him in he bought all this drama on himself not you.(that is a positive for you!!!) As for why you still have feelings for him…it is simple…you are a hopelessly romantic person who believes in a fairy tale ending to this story that he will come to his senses and come back to you and you both will live happily ever after. Cinder he needs to realize what he has lost in you and you should only care from a far…don’t forget your prince charming is on his way. The person with the drama at the temple with divorcee (who isn’t divorced after all) is a frog and all the kissing in the world isn’t going to make him your prince charming.

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    • Thanks for your kind words. Honestly, I won’t be getting back with MR BIG BLUE. EVER. Too many people know what happened. I have been humiliated too much to ever be able to go to that place in my life. With the Other Women, I kept his dirty little secret, a secret so we could try to carry on with our lives. This time around there is no way.

      Saying that he still knows how to pull on my heart strings. Deep down I still care about him. I don’t understand why he is doing this. I get him wanting to end things with me, be single and look for someone else. BUT why I don’t get does he want to live a life that he has to hide from everyone? He is lying to everyone. Its absolutely mental. In my mind its as if he is trapped in her big fat house surrounded by all the material things money can by but he is trapped because this has all isolated him from the world. She won’t let him tell the truth because she is protecting her reputation meanwhile he is ruining his life. I don’t want him back in any way but part of me does want to save my friend. 😦

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      • First he isn’t your friend, friends don’t put their friends in such a mess like this. Second and most importantly he is lying to himself first ad foremost so now he has to learn to be honest with himself before he can be honest with anyone else. Until he does that he will continue to be unhappy and all the material poessesions won’t change a thing. Usually when a person is hiding they are hiding from themselves because they don’t want to face up to who they really are, so…they hide. I remember an expression a friend of mine used to always say…where ever you go there you are.

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      • Hmm…I get that recent events don’t make him look like much of a friend. But you need to remember that we were together for five years. There were times when he was genuinely good to me. I don’t want to forget those and that is why I feel like I should help him. But I just don’t know how.

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      • Help him by not helping him, if you continue to help him you enable him to continue his bad behavior by giving him a false sense of feeling what he is doing is not that bad. he is a big boy let him feel accountable for the things he does, it will be a great teacher.

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      • I kno u r right. I allowed him to sponge of me for so long. Then he found someone could enable him even better than I could. That’s why I worry. Her bank rolling him will just make him worse off in the long run.

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      • There is nothing you can do about that , accept it let him take his lumps, it’s the only way he is going to learn about accountablity. You’re wanting to shield him is admirable but misguided. he made adult decisions to go to India to have an affair , to lead you on, so…let him deal with the consequences of those things.

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      • I know it’s no longer my place to care. I would justice hate to be in his shoes feeling like nobody loved me….but yes he made his bed of lies, now it’s time to lie in it.

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      • I know. I have a lot to say. Third date with JSWIPE tonight….Mayb another one of convenience but I am intrigued. Fill u in asap.

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    • Hey. I’ve dealt with my fair share of drama with MR BIG BLUE. I was just starting to enjoy life again after our relationship ended. I want to help him so much but I feel like its no longer my place anymore. I fought hard for him and I don’t have the strength anymore. I think I need to put myself first, but problem is I do still care about him.

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  2. You really need to stop feeling sorry for him. Notice he only contacted you because he was feeling down. He is using how you feel about him to make himself feel better. He likes the fact you still love him. He can still get you to feel bad for him…he is using you! You cannot be friends at this point. It does not work, you are still to invested in him. Yes, you care…that is understandable. That does not mean you need to be there for him because he is down. Let him get his validation elsewhere…from the things and people he chose over you. Stay strong and do not fall back into old routines…you were doing so well.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Awww thanks for saying I was doing well 🙂 I still went on another date last night so I haven’t back tracked so badly. I need to do another post on all the ppl I’ve dated this month…I don’t think MBB would seem like such a big deal then.

      Liked by 1 person

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