OK, so I’ve been quiet for a while now. Life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride over the last few months. So lets break it down.
MR BIG BLUE
i don’t quite remember where I stopped in the story. But things have just gone from bad to worse. Seems he is pretty serious with the Divorcee now. He took her home to meet the folks. i cut off all contact with them now. I know that they are good people but its too painful having any contact with anyone linked to him.
He himself blows hot and cold. I was kidding myself saying that he was still a good person deep down who just became a bit misguided. Now, I see things differently. He pitched up at my house a few months ago, saying he missed me and still loved me. He had in me in tears again. Then he pulled a classic line saying he had to ‘learn to love someone else’ and arguing that it was possible to love more than one person. SPINELESS.
The above incident sent me running into the arms of someone who seemed like a nice guy (but I treated him pretty badly because I wasn’t/am not ready for anything real). Luckily, the universe conspired to remove him from my life, which was good for him (and me). He was on the verge of becoming a stalker so that gave me a reality check and I stopped dating for a bit and decided I needed to adopt a different approach when it came to guys.
Then more recently, he blamed me because the Divorcee found messages
This is a hard story to tell. Despite all my partying and crazy antics, I have incredibly anxious and worried about MR BIG BLUE. Since he sent me those messages saying he took pain pills because he can’t deal with reality and because his head and heart hurt, I have been stressing. MR BIG BLUE has suicidal tendencies, its something that I know about. And after half a decade with someone you know when things aren’t right. I worry that all his stupid lies are getting on top of him and eventually the pressure might force him to do something absolutely stupid.
Seeing that the Divorcee basically stopped MR BIG BLUE and I from corresponding with one another (I am pretty sure she regularly checks his messages), now our contact has been limited. I felt that he was finally opening up to me but now that EVIL WITCH has put a stop to that because of her jealousy. As far as I am concerned if MR BIG BLUE does anything to harm himself, it will be on her head now.
I was starting to feel helpless and I didn’t feel like I could tackle this problem alone so I ended up speaking to MR BIG BLUE’s mother about it. Her response to his crazy behavior has always been tough love. But in this case I was asking her to show him some REAL love, because that was what he needed. But all she had to say was that I needed to be careful because he was trying to manipulate me because he knows I have a soft spot for him. I love that she cares about me and is more worried about the fact that her son could hurt me. But right now, I wanted her to care about him. I wanted her to call him and check on him because I couldn’t.
The fact that his mum was so blase about it all, just made me even more anxious. I felt I needed to find someone else, someone who might help so i spoke to the Oracle. Thankfully, he was willing to take my concerns a little more seriously. He said, that we need to listen to MR BIG BLUE’s cries for help. He said he would do his best to make contact with MR BIG BLUE and invite him back to the temple and tell him that whats happened and the bad blood isn’t important. When he did this MR BIG BLUE replied in a very defensive manner saying that he was planning court action against the Oracle and the Other Women for defamation of character (yep, he is really nuts in the head)
Anyway the Oracle also suggested I have a meeting to with The Marigold as maybe he was the only person left who could get through to MR BIG BLUE. I wasn’t overly keen to get more people involved in this mess but I agreed to the meeting on two conditions 1. that the Oracle would be there to back me up and 2. that MR BIG BLUE would never find out that I went to speak to the The Marigold. The Oracle promised that this could be sorted and said he would set it all up. At one point, I almost pulled out of going to the meeting because it seemed that MR BIG BLUE was always hanging out at the temple and around the Marigold so it would be hard for me to get to the meeting without being seen. In the end the Oracle and the Other Women devised a plan to help me.
I opened my heart to the Marigold and told him about my worries especially the fact that MR BIG BLUE was isolating himself from his family and all the people that care for him. I explained that while I no longer saw a future for the two of us, I still cared for MR BIG BLUE and didn’t want to see him hurt. The Oracle back me up by saying that MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee were living together and sneaking around, lying about their relationship and basically living in sin (a big no no in the HK movement). Then the Marigold revealed something to us apparently MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee (read the Divorcee because MBB has no money) are buying a flat together in India. Things just go from bad to worse. It seems that even though her money can buy him everything his heart desires he still feels the need to message me about his suicidal issues. What a total joke.
Anyway, about three weeks has passed since this meeting now and I am over it all. Tell me what you think about all this stupidity? What do you think the next revelation we can expect from our darling MR BIG BLUE? An illegitimate baby perhaps?
I promise the next post will be a little more perky.
The fact that I’ve been quiet is a sign that I’m living. Maybe living a bit too much, but living all the same.
Since my last update, things have been pretty quiet on the MR BIG BLUE front. Although the Oracle and I had a conversation about my worries on MR BIG BLUE’s suicidal tendencies and he is helping by keeping an eye and also trying to engage with MR BIG BLUE. I think it is helpful to share the burden, its not really fair that I have to deal with these issues when I am trying to get on with my life.
Speaking of getting on with my life, I am trying. I’ve become a serial tinder/OKCupid dater. I’ve dated some real weirdoes (for instance, a guy who told me I looked nothing like my profile photo and it was false advertising) and then some real sweethearts (there was one who was just too innocent, I had to message him after our first date to say I didn’t want anything romantic because I am not in the right space and I just felt I would end up corrupting his innocence, the same way MR BIG BLUE did to me). But at the end of the day internet dating is internet dating and I very much doubt I am going to meet my future husband online. Because ultimately I am looking for a story…an epic adventure and not one that starts ‘Once upon a time I swiped right on Tinder….’
Now onto the main event. Not my finest moment.
So after what everyone said about JSWIPE, I still chatted to him. I’ve decided that while I am a good girl and true romantic at heart, I need to have fun. I need to go out, drink, dance and party the night away (and yes maybe have a fling or two who cares). No one night stands, but I think I could deal with a fling (friends with benefits kinda vibe). Maybe something light-hearted could be fun (or a learning experience if nothing else).
Thursday – a school night, I decided to have some quiet drink with a new friend of mine, Moosey Monroe. So Crazy Moosey Monroe and I started with a couple of glasses of wine at my place, which was nice. With some light-hearted conversation mostly about our dating histories. She is the total opposite of me. Lots of experience but never had anything long-term. Apparently she is a commitment-phone (just like JSWIPE). In fact, he came up a lot in our conversation and Moosey Monroe’s insight was that if I wanted to get his attention, I needed to get his attention. JSWIPE and I had previously chatted and we’d said we might meet up later that night at a local bar where his friend was DJ’ing. So when Moosey Monroe and I went out to our first bar stop (where we had a lot of fun vibing with two random guys). I have to say I had fun with Moosey Monroe as my new wing women. She got me to message JSWIPE telling him she was making me drink tequila shots (which she subsequently got me to do).
Anyway, we then moved onto the place we were going to meet JSWIPE. Moosey Monroe was chatting up every guy in sight. JSWIPE hadn’t yet arrived. I decided to explore the quaint little venue. I wondered up some stairs and sat by myself for a bit contemplating life (by this I mean dreaming of JSWIPE). After a while I decided I should go find Moosey Monroe and I was going down to find when I slipped and FELL DOWN THE STAIRS. If that wasn’t bad enough, guess who was at the bottom of the stairs ? None other than JSWIPE. WTF??? He helped me up and dusted me off. I was sooooo embarrassed. Gosh, why did he have to arrive the moment I fell down ??? What the hell?
Anyway, he was SUPER sweet (now you all have to change your opinions of him). He tried to massage my bruised ego and we chatted a bit. Then he said he would drive me home as Moosey Monroe was busy making out with most of the clubs population. On the drive home, I talked even more nonsense. Basically telling him that I wanted to be more like Moosey Monroe (i.e be easy and less of a hopeless romantic good girl) because after all she looked like she was having more fun that I was (in other words, I was trying to subltly tell him I was available for him to have his wicked way with). He was really really sweet and told me I should never become like her, because I am the kind of girl who actually cares about things and that isn’t a bad thing. And get this he dropped me home and made NO MOVES whatsoever. Made sure I was home safe and then drove away.
I went to sleep so angry and upset. I had waited so long to see him and then all that happened was that I made a complete fool out of myself. I decided he no longer found me attractive after seeing me fall down the stairs and talk so much drivel. But the next morning, I thought about it and realised how good it was that he didn’t take advantage of me when I was in such a state of stupidity (see he has a spark of decency). I think that fact that he didn’t actually makes me like him more.
Now tell me what you have to say. Have you all changed your mind about JSWIPE? Do you think he drove me home and didn’t take things further because he doesn’t find me attractive anymore after my drunken shenanigans? Or do you think he actually realised I was a nice girl who doesn’t deserve to get hurt by a commitment-phobe? And what do you all think of my new friend Moosey Monroe? Bad influence or just who I need to lift my spirits?
I am feeling a bit disillusioned with men in general right now. I’ve tried this whole dating thing. Most of the time I find it a complete waste of time. Most of my dates have been totally dull and the only one I had chemistry with is sorting of playing hard to get and is a bit of a bad boy. I still have the cloud of MR BIG BLUE hanging over me. So break it down and take things piece by piece (or man by man).
The Bad – MR BIG BLUE
Drama. Drama. Drama. Gosh where do I start?
So last week MR BIG BLUE and I were messaging each other. His usual stuff about how he is having a hard time and he is not sure he made the right decision. We chatted about our past and got a bit nostalgic. He said no one would ever understand what we had and that we would never really get over each other (his words not mine). I have to admit the biatch me enjoyed the conversation. It was good to see that there is trouble in paradise. It felt like I could tell the Divorcee : ‘See you home-wrecking slut, your money only got you so far, you’ll never have the same stories, adventures and fun that MR BIG BLUE and I had because you are a bitter, twisted and messed up individual’. But the good part of me, also felt sad. Sad for MR BIG BLUE. He clearly made a rash decision. He followed the dollar signs and it got him nowhere fast (well maybe just a free trip to India) but like they say there is no such thing as a free lunch. It seems that the Divorcee controls the purse strings and that means she controls MR BIG BLUE…She has basically forced him to isolate himself from his family, friends and the temple. And now she has put a ban of him talking to me…
Basically, she found the messages we’d been sending each other and she went mad. Boo hoo. Now she gets a taste of her own medicine. She can see that MR BIG BLUE and I had/have a connection that no amount of money can buy. She can buy him a new Samsung phone, a motorbike to kill himself on (like she did for her ex/not yet ex-husband) and basically everything his heart desires but she’ll never be able to buy him a replacement for the real-life feathered friend I got him, and even if she did it would never be the same. You are just not a Princess like ME, chick !
The Bad Boy (well considering his age it’s more of The Bad Man) is kinda/sorta MIA. Well, its his religious holiday so he is busy praying and telling stories (or whatever it is religious people do on such holy occasions). What is it with me and religious men, hey? These bad boys that seem to want to be all good in the eyes of God. I think I may have offended him at some point with my slightly un-PC comments about God. Anyway, I’ve backed down and limited my conversations with him until he gets a bit more serious and tell me what he wants from me. Clearly, we both know we are incompatible on a serious level, but I can tell he still enjoys the banter and finds me attractive to some extent, because why would he messaging me then? Either way it works. I know it’s nothing serious.
The Ugly (or should I say unattractive) – The Rest
But I have to admit, thanks to JSWIPE, dating just became a whole lot tougher.
When my friends find a guy they sort of like, they delete themselves off Tinder and focus solely on him. I don’t feel I need/want to do this with JSWIPE. He really hasn’t made enough effort to become my main focus. So I’ll keep playing the field. But this is easier said than done As I keep going out with a few guys but I just can’t enjoy myself or find them attractive. There is no chemistry because the fact is I just keep comparing them to the chemistry I had on the first date with JSWIPE.
I’ve totally friend-zoned the Handy Man and we hang out quite a lot but just a friends. He knows his place now so its all good.
Dr Sparkle is a douche. He found a ‘girlfriend’. He literally spends 24/7 with her and has completely ditched me and Tatyana. It’s not healthy. He looks really rough for it – I beginning to question why I ever really crushed on him. He is a useless friend and quite a useless person in general.
So that’s my love life update for now folks. I will try to be a little more pro-active and find that hopeless romantic girl inside me again…but maybe she has gone for good. Give me some motivation and tips. Purleeeeease.
I’ve been quiet for a while now and some of you’ve actually noticed. (thanks for that I am extremely flattered). This is for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, I moved into my castle at the weekend (yay) far far far away from the evil clutches of Crazy Cat Lady. I’m now closer to my friends and where the actions at which really helps when it comes to going out and having fun (maybe/maybe not…you can decide by the end of this post).
Secondly, MR BIG BLUE is still playing his mind games. He messaged me a couple of days ago saying he was really proud of me for getting my own house and doing well in my job (not that I actually am…I think he needed something to say). He asked me what I was doing these days and I replied that I was doing whatever I needed to get over him. His response was to say we’ll never get over each other. Please shed a tear for him.
Thirdly, and most foolishly, I met up with JSWIPE for a third ‘date’ (if you can even call it that). He was DJ’ing at a music event and he invited me along (another date of convenience?). I am a terrible person. I had another date already arranged with a guy I met once last week – let’s call him the The Handy Man (because the only move he made during the first date was to hold me hand when crossing the road which was incredibly adorable). He is a really sweet guy but I’ve totally friend-zoned him but he is new to town and only here for a short time so I thought why not hang out as the conversation is good. So I was left with a dilemma. I would have felt bad ditching The Handy Man but I really really do have fun with JSwipe and I was curious to see him DJ.
So I did a terrible thing and I decided I’d see them both in them both in one night. The Handy Man picked me up and took me into town for supper. After being rejected from two restaurants (poor guy really felt embarrassed about it), we finally got lucky and got a spot. The conversation and the wine flowed well and we talked about a number of things. From the start I made it clear that I had to go to watch a ‘friend’ so my cards were on the table. And then towards the end of the night we got on the topic of the friends-zone and I told him straight that’s where he and I were at. I think he was cool with it because he knows he can’t have anything real while he is only in the country for a short-time. (I don’t need to feel too bad for ditching him, right? I need some reassurance here people).
Then there was Part 2 of the night which was actually the third date with JSWIPE. I got to the bar and he was already on stage so I got myself some wine and enjoyed the music. I was super nervous about being there alone so I told a friend of mine that they’d need to be on there phone to converse with me so I didn’t look too awkward. So I spent quite some time busying myself on my phone until he made eye-contact with me. After his set was done he came over and we chatted a bit. He introduced me to a few people and did his rounds. We had a little dance and he kissed me in public (so there to all the my hater friends who told me he didn’t want to be seen out in public with me). He took me home and we the chit-chat was really fun on the drive back. And now someone is going to kill me (but remember I am in my late 20s) I invited him in to see my castle. We stayed up talking till the early hours of the morning and eventually fell asleep on the sofa (and I do literally mean we slept). So that was that. Another totally fun time with JSWIPE.
So now compadres lets talk. What the hell is with MR BIG BLUE? Trouble in Divorcee Paradise? Do you think I am a bad person for hanging out with the Handy Man? Or was it good that I friend zoned him? And most importantly, what are your thoughts now on the JSWIPE situation? Am I doing as my friends say and always going for the bad guy? Am I the ultimate April Fool?
Despite all the criticism you guys have thrown at me recently I think my last couple of posts have been a break from the norm. For one thing, I didn’t mention HIM. And there I was actually enjoying my life again – spending time with friends, crushing on Dr.Sparkle, even kissing JSWIPE. I started to feel like I was making progress. I was beginning to think things were getting easier, that maybe one day I would wake up and MR BIG BLUE would not be the first person that popped into my head.
And then kind of out of nowhere he rears his ugly (actually its quite pretty) head. A couple of days ago I got a message from MR BIG BLUE. He was telling me he is feeling all down in the dumps. He says there is no purpose for him here. That he is useless and has no place in the material world. He says he wants to go back to India. He says the Hare Krishna temple is no longer his safe haven because of the rumours people have spread about him. He says the Oracle and the Other Women have ruined his life. His says life has to be a big fat secret. He told me he was sorry he let me down.
My immediate thoughts were ‘well, it seems like there is trouble in paradise’. And I have to admit, there was part of me that was a little bit happy because a) after what he had put me through I thought he deserved a little taste of his own medicine and b) I was thinking so you left me to pursue happiness with that thing (The Divorcee)…so much for happily ever after, hey?. I wanted to ask him how this relationship was expected to survive when it was all based on lies.Part of me wanted to say I told you so, see the grass is not greener over there on the richer side of town. But I didn’t.
I felt sorry for him. I still see him as a little blond haired, blue eyed boy. I just wanted to be close to him so I could give him a cuddle and tell him that he was loved by me (yes, sad to say it but there is a little part of my heart that cares about him) and also by his family. I wanted to tell him, that we could sort through everything and that I was here for him. I wanted to shake him and say what the hell are you doing? Come back to me, the girl who has loved you no matter what! I wanted to tell him that she is forcing him to hide their relationship to protect her own reputation, while he isolates himself from the people that actually care. But it wasn’t my place to say any of that. So I didn’t.
Instead I told him to cheer up. I told him things would get better. I said if he wanted to go to the temple, then he’d have to face the rumours and put things right. I made him laugh, the way we used to laugh together. (He said I had a unique sense of humour, that no one could take away). I told him, I was his friend. Best friend. Always. I told him that I loved him and that I understood. I said he should reach out to his family. I also let him know I wasn’t stupid and that I knew more than the thought I did. I said I would help out if he gave me the chance. I really don’t understand why I still care.
So how do think I handled it? Why do I still care? Why can’t I switch my feelings off? Am I really making any progress at all by going on these dates? Or am I just finding myself attracted to slightly bad boys like JSWIPE as a distraction? Will I really ever get over my first love?
P.S. As a side note. Apparently, the Mad Man (Divorcee’s not quite ex-husband) apparently pitched at her house with the police to fetch his stuff. He found her there with MR BIG BLUE. He wasn’t pleased (naturally). He went to the temple and made a huge scene about it. Crazy. Crazy. I’m glad I’m staying away from all the drama now.
Now I remember why I don’t like the dating game. It’s just that. A big fat GAME. It’s about who is more interested in the other party and who can play it cool. And if I like someone I have no patience. I just want to see progress. I hate stop/starts. It messes with my head. It makes me all nervous and anxious.
So since my first ‘post-MR BIG BLUE’ date went so well I thought it wasn’t so much to wish for a second date…but then why is J-SWIPE not coming to the party? Hmmm…It’s very strange. He has quite happily been messaging me and saying he had fun on the first date but no mention of meeting again. I had fun too so I thought maybe we’d do it again. I don’t want to wait too long.
Part of my craziness comes from hanging out too much with my buddy Tatyana. She has had a head start on this who dating/Tinder game because while I was pining over MR BIG BLUE she was making progress in the world of swiping left and right. Good for her and all but she has thing of getting all worked up when a guy won’t commit to an arrangement or be more forthcoming as she would like. Before, I used to tell her to calm down and that it was perfectly reasonable for someone to talk their time to reply to a message because they were busy with work, life, other stuff, etc.
However, now that the glass slipper is on the other foot things are not as easy and I am beginning to see where she is coming from. I think part of me thinking she was crazy for getting all worked up over these guys was because I was in ‘a relationship’ or at least something where I knew that eventually MR BIG BLUE would reply (Another red flag which I can see with hindsight is that around the times his messaging patterns changed that things between him and the Divorcee would have started taking off).
But now that I’m a free agent I am starting to experience what Tatyana goes through with each and everyone of these Tinder guys that she falls for (which is quite a few). Its like JSWIPE is interested enough to flirt and chat with me but not quite enough to set up this second date. Part of me thinks he was just after one thing and he didn’t get it so he wants to keep me in the back pocket. Who knows? Maybe I am being a bit negative and should just wait a little and give him the benefit of the doubt.
OK over to you now guys and girls. Do you think I am crazy to get all worked up about not yet getting a second date? Do you think it looks like J-Swipe is playing vulnerable little Cinders? Is it only girls that get this kinda anxiety at the start of something? Or do guys also spend way to much time wondering about dates, etc? Do you think I let the first date go too far both physically and conversationally by being too much of an open book? And the million dollar question…how things Cinders is going to get a second date? Oh and do you have any good tips on how to play the dating game?
Please send me all the good vibes in the world…I need this fun in my life right now.
Cinders x o x o
P.S. On a side not Dr Sparkle is also going on a date on Saturday. I don’t know how I feel about this.
my blog is differnt pages from a book i am writing called Let Go & Let God, its basically about everyday life but from my view of it. some blogs are about sex and some are about everyday struggles my generation is going threw today