The Mumma of All Updates … Part 1

Yup...Sums up MBB perfectly !
Yup…Sums up MBB perfectly !

OK, so I’ve been quiet for a while now. Life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride over the last few months. So lets break it down.

MR BIG BLUE

i don’t quite remember where I stopped in the story. But things have just gone from bad to worse. Seems he is pretty serious with the Divorcee now. He took her home to meet the folks. i cut off all contact with them now. I know that they are good people but its too painful having any contact with anyone linked to him.

He himself blows hot and cold. I was kidding myself saying that he was still a good person deep down who just became a bit misguided. Now, I see things differently. He pitched up at my house a few months ago, saying he missed me and still loved me. He had in me in tears again. Then he pulled a classic line saying he had to ‘learn to love someone else’ and arguing that it was possible to love more than one person. SPINELESS.

The above incident sent me running into the arms of someone who seemed like a nice guy (but I treated him pretty badly because I wasn’t/am not ready for anything real). Luckily, the universe conspired to remove him from my life, which was good for him (and me).  He was on the verge of becoming a stalker so that gave me a reality check and I stopped dating for a bit and decided I needed to adopt a different approach when it came to guys.

Then more recently, he blamed me because the Divorcee found messages

I’ll fill you in on more tomorrow (maybe) …

LOVE Always,

Cinders x x x

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An I.O.U from H.R.C

Busy trying to fix it.
Busy trying to fix it.

This is just a quick message to let you all know I’m still alive. I’m slowly getting over MBB. And figuring out what I do/do not want in life.

I haven’t been able to blog because I felt I was going around in circles and feeding you the same stories over and over again.

But I know I owe you all a proper update for now. I want you all to know (in the word’s of Taylor Swift) MR BIG BLUE and I are Never, Ever,Ever, EVER getting back together. I still have lose ends to tie up with him, but I am getting there slowly. I’m also figuring out what my next move is.

You can hold me to that update. Till then.

Lots of LOVE

Cinders x o x o

A Meeting With Marigold

marigold
A Meeting with the Marigold – Cinders the Butterfuly

This is a hard story to tell. Despite all my partying and crazy antics, I  have incredibly anxious and worried about MR BIG BLUE. Since he sent me those messages saying he took pain pills because he can’t deal with reality and because his head and heart hurt, I have been stressing. MR BIG BLUE has suicidal tendencies, its something that I know about. And after half a decade with someone you know when things aren’t right. I worry that all his stupid lies are getting on top of him and eventually the pressure might force him to do something absolutely stupid.

Seeing that the Divorcee basically stopped MR BIG BLUE and I from corresponding with one another (I am pretty sure she regularly checks his messages), now our contact has been limited. I felt that he was finally opening up to me but now that EVIL WITCH has put a stop to that because of her jealousy. As far as I am concerned if MR BIG BLUE does anything to harm himself, it will be on her head now.

I was starting to feel helpless and I didn’t feel like I could tackle this problem alone so I ended up speaking to MR BIG BLUE’s mother about it. Her response to his crazy behavior has always been tough love. But in this case I was asking her to show him some REAL love, because that was what he needed. But all she had to say was that I needed to be careful because he was trying to manipulate me because he knows I have a soft spot for him. I love that she cares about me and is more worried about the fact that her son could hurt me. But right now, I wanted her to care about him. I wanted her to call him and check on him because I couldn’t.

The fact that his mum was so blase about it all, just made me even more anxious. I felt I needed to find someone else, someone who might help so i spoke to the Oracle. Thankfully, he was willing to take my concerns a little more seriously. He said, that we need to listen to MR BIG BLUE’s cries for help. He said he would do his best to make contact with MR BIG BLUE and invite him back to the temple and tell him that whats happened and the bad blood isn’t important. When he did this MR BIG BLUE replied in a very defensive manner saying that he was planning court action against the Oracle and the Other Women for defamation of character (yep, he is really nuts in the head)

Anyway the Oracle also suggested I have a meeting to with The Marigold  as maybe he was the only person left who could get through to MR BIG BLUE. I wasn’t overly keen to get more people involved in this mess but I agreed to the meeting on two conditions 1. that the Oracle would be there to back me up and 2. that MR BIG BLUE would never find out that I went to speak to the The Marigold. The Oracle promised that this could be sorted and said he would set it all up. At one point, I almost pulled out of going to the meeting because it seemed that MR BIG BLUE was always hanging out at the temple and around the Marigold so it would be hard for me to get to the meeting without being seen. In the end the Oracle and the Other Women devised a plan to help me.

I opened my heart to the Marigold and told him about my worries especially the fact that MR BIG BLUE was isolating himself from his family and all the people that care for him. I explained that while I no longer saw a future for the two of us, I still cared for MR BIG BLUE and didn’t want to see him hurt. The Oracle back me up by saying that MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee were living together and sneaking around, lying about their relationship and basically living in sin (a big no no in the HK movement). Then the Marigold revealed something to us apparently MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee (read the Divorcee because MBB has no money) are buying a flat together in India. Things just go from bad to worse. It seems that even though her money can buy him everything his heart desires he still feels the need to message me about his suicidal issues. What a total joke.

Anyway, about three weeks has passed since this meeting now and I am over it all. Tell me what you think about all this stupidity? What do you think the next revelation we can expect from our darling MR BIG BLUE? An illegitimate baby perhaps?

I promise the next post will be a little more perky.

LOVE always,

Cinders x o x o

The Bad, The Bad and The Ugly – The Men in Cinders’ World

I am feeling a bit disillusioned with men in general right now. I’ve tried this whole dating thing. Most of the time I find it a complete waste of time. Most of my dates have been totally dull and the only one I had chemistry with is sorting of playing hard to get and is a bit of a bad boy. I still have the cloud of MR BIG BLUE hanging over me. So break it down and take things piece by piece (or man by man).

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
There is no GOOD in my Story 😦

The Bad – MR BIG BLUE

Drama. Drama. Drama. Gosh where do I start?

So last week MR BIG BLUE and I were messaging each other. His usual stuff about how he is having a hard time and he is not sure he made the right decision. We chatted about our past and got a bit nostalgic. He said no one would ever understand what we had and that we would never really get over each other (his words not mine). I have to admit the biatch me enjoyed the conversation. It was good to see that there is trouble in paradise. It felt like I could tell the Divorcee : ‘See you home-wrecking slut, your money only got you so far, you’ll never have the same stories, adventures and fun that MR BIG BLUE and I had because you are a bitter, twisted and messed up individual’. But the good part of me, also felt sad. Sad for MR BIG BLUE. He clearly made a rash decision. He followed the dollar signs and it got him nowhere fast (well maybe just a free trip to India) but like they say there is no such thing as a free lunch. It seems that the Divorcee controls the purse strings and that means she controls MR BIG BLUE…She has basically forced him to isolate himself from his family, friends and the temple. And now she has put a ban of him talking to me…

Basically, she found the messages we’d been sending each other and she went mad. Boo hoo. Now she gets a taste of her own medicine. She can see that MR BIG BLUE and I had/have a connection that no amount of money can buy. She can buy him a new Samsung phone, a motorbike to kill himself on (like she did for her ex/not yet ex-husband) and basically everything his heart desires but she’ll never be able to buy him a replacement for the real-life feathered friend I got him, and even if she did it would never be the same. You are just not a Princess like ME, chick !

But before you ask? No. I don’t want him back. Not now or not ever.

The Bad – JSWIPE

The Bad Boy (well considering his age it’s more of The Bad Man) is kinda/sorta MIA. Well, its his religious holiday so he is busy praying and telling stories (or whatever it is religious people do on such holy occasions). What is it with me and religious men, hey? These bad boys that seem to want to be all good in the eyes of God. I think I may have offended him at some point with my slightly un-PC comments about God. Anyway, I’ve backed down and limited my conversations with him until he gets a bit more serious and tell me what he wants from me. Clearly, we both know we are incompatible on a serious level, but I can tell he still enjoys the banter and finds me attractive to some extent, because why would he messaging me then? Either way it works. I know it’s nothing serious.

The Ugly (or should I say unattractive) – The Rest

But I have to admit, thanks to JSWIPE, dating just became a whole lot tougher.

When my friends find a guy they sort of like, they delete themselves off Tinder and focus solely on him. I don’t feel I need/want to do this with JSWIPE. He really hasn’t made enough effort to become my main focus. So I’ll keep playing the field. But this is easier said than done As I keep going out with a few guys but I just can’t enjoy myself or find them attractive. There is no chemistry because the fact is I just keep comparing them to the chemistry I had on the first date with JSWIPE.

I’ve totally friend-zoned the Handy Man and we hang out quite a lot but just a friends. He knows his place now so its all good.

Dr Sparkle is a douche. He found a ‘girlfriend’. He literally spends 24/7 with her and has completely ditched me and Tatyana. It’s not healthy. He looks really rough for it – I beginning to question why I ever really crushed on him. He is a useless friend and quite a useless person in general.

So that’s my love life update for now folks. I will try to be a little more pro-active and find that hopeless romantic girl inside me again…but maybe she has gone for good. Give me some motivation and tips. Purleeeeease.

Till I find my mojo again,

LOVE Cinders x o x o

Third Time … An April Fool?

I’ve been quiet for a while now and some of you’ve actually noticed. (thanks for that I am extremely flattered). This is for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, I moved into my castle at the weekend (yay) far far far away from the evil clutches of Crazy Cat Lady. I’m now closer to my friends and where the actions at which really helps when it comes to going out and having fun (maybe/maybe not…you can decide by the end of this post).

Secondly, MR BIG BLUE is still playing his mind games. He messaged me a couple of days ago saying he was really proud of me for getting my own house and doing well in my job (not that I actually am…I think he needed something to say). He asked me what I was doing these days and I replied that I was doing whatever I needed to get over him. His response was to say we’ll never get over each other. Please shed a tear for him.

Thirdly, and most foolishly, I met up with JSWIPE for a third ‘date’ (if you can even call it that). He was DJ’ing at a music event and he invited me along (another date of convenience?). I am a terrible person. I had another date already arranged with a guy I met once last week – let’s call him the The Handy Man (because the only move he made during the first date was to hold me hand when crossing the road which was incredibly adorable). He is a really sweet guy but I’ve totally friend-zoned him but he is new to town and only here for a short time so I thought why not hang out as the conversation is good. So I was left with a dilemma. I would have felt bad ditching The Handy Man but I really really do have fun with JSwipe and I was curious to see him DJ.

dinner date
Date Night Part 1- Friend Zone Dinner with the HandyMan

So I did a terrible thing and I decided I’d see them both in them both in one night. The Handy Man picked me up and took me into town for supper. After being rejected from two restaurants (poor guy really felt embarrassed about it), we finally got lucky and got a spot. The conversation and the wine flowed well and we talked about a number of things. From the start I made it clear that I had to go to watch a ‘friend’ so my cards were on the table. And then towards the end of the night we got on the topic of the friends-zone and I told him straight that’s where he and I were at. I think he was cool with it because he knows he can’t have anything real while he is only in the country for a short-time. (I don’t need to feel too bad for ditching him, right? I need some reassurance here people).

2ND
Date Nite Part 2 – DJ JSWIPE

Then there was Part 2 of the night which was actually the third date with JSWIPE.  I got to the bar and he was already on stage so I got myself some wine and enjoyed the music. I was super nervous about being there alone so I told a friend of mine that they’d need to be on there phone to converse with me so I didn’t look too awkward. So I spent quite some time busying myself on my phone until he made eye-contact with me. After his set was done he came over and we chatted a bit. He introduced me to a few people and did his rounds. We had a little dance and he kissed me in public (so there to all the my hater friends who told me he didn’t want to be seen out in public with me). He took me home and we the chit-chat was really fun on the drive back. And now someone is going to kill me (but remember I am in my late 20s) I invited him in to see my castle. We stayed up talking till the early hours of the morning and eventually fell asleep on the sofa (and I do literally mean we slept). So that was that. Another totally fun time with JSWIPE.

So now compadres lets talk. What the hell is with MR BIG BLUE? Trouble in Divorcee Paradise? Do you think I am a bad person for hanging out with the Handy Man? Or was it good that I friend zoned him? And most importantly, what are your thoughts now on the JSWIPE situation? Am I doing as my friends say and always going for the bad guy? Am I the ultimate April Fool?

Happy April to y’all

Love Cinders x o x o

One Step Forward…Two Million Steps Back

Despite all the criticism you guys have thrown at me recently I think my last couple of posts have been a break from the norm. For one thing, I didn’t mention HIM. And there I was actually enjoying my life again – spending time with friends, crushing on Dr.Sparkle, even kissing JSWIPE. I started to feel like I was making progress. I was beginning to think things were getting easier, that maybe one day I would wake up and MR BIG BLUE would not be the first person that popped into my head.

one step forward, two steps back
Really? It doesn’t feel like progress.

And then kind of out of nowhere he rears his ugly (actually its quite pretty) head. A couple of days ago I got a message from MR BIG BLUE. He was telling me he is feeling all down in the dumps. He says there is no purpose for him here. That he is useless and has no place in the material world. He says he wants to go back to India. He says the Hare Krishna temple is no longer his safe haven because of the rumours people have spread about him. He says the Oracle and the Other Women have ruined his life. His says life has to be a big fat secret. He told me he was sorry he let me down.

My immediate thoughts were ‘well, it seems like there is trouble in paradise’.  And I have to admit, there was part of me that was a little bit happy because a) after what he had put me through I thought he deserved a little taste of his own medicine and b) I was thinking so you left me to pursue happiness with that thing (The Divorcee)…so much for happily ever after, hey?. I wanted to ask him how this relationship was expected to survive when it was all based on lies.Part of me wanted to say I told you so, see the grass is not greener over there on the richer side of town. But I didn’t.

I felt sorry for him. I still see him as a little blond haired, blue eyed boy. I just wanted to be close to him so I could give him a cuddle and tell him that he was loved by me (yes, sad to say it but there is a little part of my heart that cares about him) and also by his family. I wanted to tell him, that we could sort through everything and that I was here for him. I wanted to shake him and say what the hell are you doing? Come back to me, the girl who has loved you no matter what! I wanted to tell him that she is forcing him to hide their relationship to protect her own reputation, while he isolates himself from the people that actually care. But it wasn’t my place to say any of that. So I didn’t.

Instead I told him to cheer up. I told him things would get better. I said if he wanted to go to the temple, then he’d have to face the rumours and put things right. I made him laugh, the way we used to laugh together. (He said I had a unique sense of humour, that no one could take away). I told him, I was his friend. Best friend. Always. I told him that I loved him and that I understood. I said he should reach out to his family. I also let him know I wasn’t stupid and that I knew more than the thought I did. I said I would help out if he gave me the chance. I really don’t understand why I still care.

So how do think I handled it? Why do I still care? Why can’t I switch my feelings off? Am I really making any progress at all by going on these dates? Or am I just finding myself attracted to slightly bad boys like JSWIPE as a distraction? Will I really ever get over my first love?

P.S. As a side note. Apparently, the Mad Man (Divorcee’s not quite ex-husband) apparently pitched at her house with the police to fetch his stuff. He found her there with MR BIG BLUE. He wasn’t pleased (naturally). He went to the temple and made a huge scene about it. Crazy. Crazy. I’m glad I’m staying away from all the drama now.

Be kind. Cheer me up today. I need it.

Cinders x o x o

The First ‘Post-MR BIG BLUE’ Kiss

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow! That’s all I have to say this morning.

Well as you probably guessed from the title of my post, my first date with the Poison Dwarf (it really is an unfair name because he wasn’t really short…just not as tall as the guys I usually go for) went well. Actually let’s call him J-SWIPE from this point onwards, because Poison Dwarf is so not appropriate.

We met for drinks after work. I liked him as soon as we met because he just took charge of the situation, ordered is wine and snacks. He let me choose where we sat. I chose somewhere not to hidden away…I didn’t know what his vibe was. We got chatting…work, politics, serious stuff to start with. It was interesting and the conversation flowed really well. We moved on he asked me about my previous relationships, so yes MR BIG BLUE did make a minor appearance on my first pre-MR BIG BLUE date. But actually it was good, for the first time ever I was able to tell the story as it was – warts and all. I didn’t sugar coat things. I told J-SWIPE that MR BIG BLUE got too carried away with the Hare Krishna movement and he cheated on me. OK, so maybe it was a good thing. I know he is a total random but it felt good to briefly be able to tell the truth to someone. He also told me about his previous Tinder dates, which was interesting.

The bar started to clear out as most people were there for a show that was going on upstairs. Whenever other people started walking into our little section of the bar I spotted J-SWIPE giving them the evil eye. I think he wanted to get me all to himself. Then this magician guy came along and treated us to a little show which was pretty good. So he had both of us trying to be clever and figure out the secret to his tricks. A really quirky first date experience.

magician2
A Magical First Date experience?

I think J-SWIPE was itching for the magician to bugger off so we could get our flirt on. And then as soon as he was out the picture, the conversation took a turn towards the slightly more flirtatious side. We’d been bantering on WhatsApp about the controversial 50 Shades of Grey and he asked to check it out on my kindle and from there things got a little more interesting. I saw him reach for the dimmer switch behindOne thing led to another and somehow we ended kissing across the table. It was weird because I was thinking so much about the fact that I hadn’t kissed anyone apart from MR BIG BLUE for over half a decade and there I was just like that. And there were butterflies and sparkles and all that wonderful stuff. Then there were more kisses. Him paying the bill as quickly as possible and then suggesting we drive to the beach.

We ended up driving in separate cars which was really strange because he followed me and I spent the whole time thinking he would get bored of the long drive and ditch me (seems I have no faith in men – thank you MR BIG BLUE ! Jerk!). But J-SWIPE didn’t lose me in traffic. We got to the beach. Kissed a little more. Listened to the sound of the waves. It was pretty nice.

firstkiss
Eeek…I did it! First Post-MR BIG BLUE kiss 🙂

I let him come back to my place for a glass of wine…except I had no wine so we drank Vodka instead. Chatted some more. I was a good girl though and didn’t let things get any further than necessary. He went back home late…I wouldn’t have complained if he’d stayed a little longer for cuddles.  Oh well, next time, if there is even a next time.

I spent much of the night stressing that he would not bother message me ever again…but he did. All is good…we now just keep our fingers crossed for a second date.

OK…So tell me your thoughts? Are you pleased to see me getting out there? Was it wrong that I spoke about MR BIG BLUE or is good sign to show I have finally accepted what happened? It’s a bit of a long time since I dated…was it too much that I let him come back to mine (although he didn’t stay over)? Should I hold back a bit? And put your bets on…do you think I will get asked on a second date?

Lots of Love

A ever-so-slightly smitten Cinders x o x o

First Date Jitters

Just in case people hadn’t heard the news. MR BIG BLUE and I are over. I am strong right now, but I know there will be tougher days but today I am positive and that can’t be such a bad thing.

Part of the reason I am strong today is that I have a date tonight. It’s a guy I met on Tinder. Let’s call him the Poison Dwarf (don’t ask!) but that’s a name given to him by Tatyana and Dr Sparkle (yes, Dr Sparkle is fully aware I am going on a date…he is voiced a few cheeky objections, but if he won’t make a move what is stopping me, right?).

I started chatting to Poison Dwarf at the weekend. Actually, the same day I got the confirmation from the Marigold that things were most definitely over between me and MR BIG BLUE. Anyway, this one seems really cool. He is quite a bit older than me so it’s likely that he has had quite a bit more life experience than me. Good looking but in the George Clooney kind of way. He is really intelligent…well he should be as he is an academic. The banter is amazing. The first guy from internet dating/Tinder that I’ve actually clicked with. He is really intelligent and witty. I like the conversation – its fun.

Only thing is I’m really brave when I am sitting a home on the sofa typing away on my phone. But I don’t think I’ll be the same when I meet him in person. I think I will be super shy and a bit of a bumbling idiot. I mean flirted quite a bit over the phone (we’ve even discussed 50 Shades of Grey – yup, I know!) but I don’t know if it’ll be the same tonight. I can talk the talk but deep down I’m just a good girl…so I really hope he doesn’t think otherwise because of all my smack talk.

FirstDateJitters
First Date Jitters- I know how he feels…

Its not like I haven’t been out on any other dates during the ‘grey area’ period with MR BIG BLUE. Remember the Yogic Banker? But this is the first time, I actually feel free to be myself and let go and if something happens, it happens. In all the other cases, I think even if I had felt attracted to the guys there is no way I would have let anything happened while I thought there was even the slightest chance that I could have a future with MR BIG BLUE. But I think this time its different. If something is going to happen I can well and truly be open to it.

So here I am sitting at my desk totally full of nerves about tonight. But that’s a good thing, right? There is part of me expecting him to message and cancel or not pitch at all. Oh and what if he really is a dwarf, like Tatyana and Dr Sparkle decided last night. Eeek !!

So what do you think about me dating so soon after MR BIG BLUE? Is it OK or do you think it’s a recipe for disaster? Are first date nerves normal?

Send me lots of good vibes please. I need a bit of happiness in my life right now.

Lots of love

Cinders x o x o

Acceptance – The FINAL Revelation

I have finally accepted it is over with MR BIG BLUE and there is no chance we will ever get back together EVER.

After speaking to his mum last week things were a lot clearer. Even the people that were supposed to be on his side were telling me to walk away.

Following my reunion with MR BIG BLUE last week when I told him about the rumours that were going around and encouraged to fight them, the Oracle phoned me and said that they wanted to hold a meeting at the Hare Krishna temple and they wanted to confront the situation to see if MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita to get his initiation.  As it was accusations from the Other Women had got this thing started in the first place they want the meeting to be between MR BIG BLUE, the Other Women, the Oracle, the head of the temple and me.

I told MR BIG BLUE that I had been asked to attend the meeting. At first he seemed quite shocked and said he didn’t want me to be there because he was afraid the other parties would want to hurt me. I told him I was already hurt by what had been said so far and I would just rather have the truth. There was a long silence then. He then contacted me saying he thinks I should attend the meeting and we could fight together as I team and I would just need to back him up and say we had only been friends for the past two years (yeah right – I think by this stage even this idiot had begun to believe his own lies). He told me I would do it if I was his real friend (blackmail?!). I played along.

Then I emailed the Marigold – a very senior figure that MR BIG BLUE looks up to. I told him about the rumours, the meeting and the awkward position I was put being. He responded to my very detailed email with this short message:

Thank you for the message.

MR BIG BLUE has told me that he and the Divorcee are serious about their relationship, and want to go ahead together.

Certainly you should just be open and straightforward when the meeting happens. You have nothing to lose by being honest.

So there it was in black and white. It was no longer just a rumour. MR BIG BLUE had gone and confided in a person who he values over anyone in his family. It was true.

Despite all MR BIG BLUE’S statements, the Marigold knew the truth. Only a few months he had spoken to me about getting married to MR BIG BLUE. So he knew we weren’t just friends. All these lies. What a messed up situation. It took a while to settle in. I slept on it. But it was now there, out in the open.

acceptance
Acceptance – Finally !

The next day I visited the Hare Krishna temple to speak with the Oracle. I had already arranged to meet him to discuss what would and wouldn’t be said in the meeting. As soon as I met him I told him that it was over between MR BIG BLUE and I. There you go. I said it, old loud, for the first. It was OVER. We were no longer on a break. We were no longer a grey area. There was not a chance in hell we would be getting back together. It was well and truly OVER. I had accepted it. Totally 100%.

Talking to the Oracle always makes things seem better. At first he seemed disappointed that things had finished as he had always been a supporter of our relationship. I explained the position I was in. He suggested maybe I didn’t come to the meeting. That way I wouldn’t be forced to lie. This seemed like a pretty good idea. I just needed to consider how MR BIG BLUE would take it (not that it should really matter after everything he had put me through). The Oracle also said that there had been a purpose for me in all this drama. He said that MR BIG BLUE had brought me to Krishna and there was something good in that. The Oracle also took my hand and looked at the lines. He said there was another relationship on the horizon (well in about 4 years) and he said that would be the man I’d marry. I don’t know how much I believe him but it was nice to be given some hope. He also said that there was a lesson here and I needed to make better choices…with my head, rather than my heart. He said that he could tell I was a person of high-moral character and I should look for someone I could respect rather than someone I needed to fix.

hope
HOPE – Thanks to the Oracle for giving me a little bit of HOPE for the future. Just need the pain to end now.

So there you have it. Acceptance.

So do you think this is a turning point for me? Do you think I’ve finally accepted things are over with MR BIG BLUE? Do you think I am being a coward by not going to a meeting where I could completely destroy MR BIG BLUE and bring down all his lies? Or do you think I am right to walk away from this now and let MR BIG BLUE get on with his own sordid little life with the Divorcee? What do you think about the hope given to me by the Oracle? Is it worth believing that there is still somewhere waiting for me to come along?

Look forward to hearing what y’all have to say.

LOVE Cinders x o x o

The Sounds of Heartbreak – A Mother’s Love

So for a long time readers of this blog have been telling me to come clean to my family and friends about the Mr BIG BLUE situation and to stop protecting him. Yesterday, I took the first step.

MR BIG BLUE’S Mum contacted me as she had received some messages from him saying that he was struggling and needed help and unconditional love from his family. Hearing those messages broke my heart because he did have unconditional love from me but he was willing to give that up for the Divorcee, a more lavish lifestyle with a cookie-cutter Hare Krishna girl.

His mum was asking me what was going on and when I’d last seen him. I finally buckled. I just opened up to her. I told her things weren’t so good. I said that I saw him on Monday and we talked and I couldn’t figure out what was going on with him. I told her that as far as I knew he wasn’t living at the Hare Krishna temple anymore but nobody knew where he was. I explained that he had been cagey and she agreed he was acting out of character.

secret sharing

She kept asking me questions about how he got the money to go to India (he hasn’t been working for over two years now). She asked me why he came back so soon (nobody really knows but I am sure the Divorcee had something to do with it). I didn’t have the answers she was looking for… I wanted her help and I couldn’t keep the information to myself anymore. So I told her.

I told her I had my suspicions about him being involved with someone else and that there were rumours going around at the temple. I told her I had a inclining about who it was. I provided her with a name, age, religious inclination (oh and I provided her with the small token bitchy bit of information that the divorcee was one of those girls who were married and divorced by the age of 32 😉 ). I told her I hadn’t got any concrete evidence yet but my gut was telling me something. I explained how MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita about him and I just being good friends. And how he had portrayed me to people at the temple as a crazed ex-girlfriend who couldn’t get over him (for 2 years). I also told her about the Other Women.

She was angry. She told me that I shouldn’t let him manipulate. She phoned him and asked him straight what was going on. He was still cagey with her. Then she asked him how things were going with me and he replied we were really great friends as always. This made her crazy mad. She told me she was hurt because she’d thought they had trained him better than this and she was upset at the way he’d treated me. Hearing her say this broke my heart. I told her not to blame herself for any of this and that the reason I fell in love with MR BIG BLUE was because he was brought up to be a gentleman. I said that if I blamed anyone for this change in his behaviour it would be the Hare Krishna’s and not his folks. She said that as far as his father and she were concerned I had always been the right one for their son and that they saw that while he did try and manipulate me at times, they knew I was strong and independent enough to handle him. She said that he was the loser in all of this and that his family would be there for me if ever I needed anything.

Seeing his Mother so upset broke my heart. Knowing that she was such a good person that she’d protect me over her own son meant the world to me. She is truly amazing and I will love her forever for being the first person who shared this burden with me. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Breakup Family
Does he have a point?

So over to y’all now… Do you think it was a step forward that I told someone what had truly happened? Or have I just served to hurt another innocent person? How important is family approval to the success of a relationship? Have I possibly ruined the chances of the Divorcee being welcomed into this amazing family (where she does not deserve to be in my humble opinion)? What do you do when a relationship and break-up goes beyond just two people? How do you say goodbye to a family that you have grown to love and still care about?

As usual I really do need your thoughts and good vibes right now, more than ever. Please comment and offer your much-needed pearls of wisdom. You will make my day.

Till a better day (hopefully).

LOVE Cinders x o x o