A Bad Boy with a Spark of Decency

The fact that I’ve been quiet is a sign that I’m living. Maybe living a bit too much, but living all the same.

Since my last update, things have been pretty quiet on the MR BIG BLUE front. Although the Oracle and I had a conversation about my worries on MR BIG BLUE’s suicidal tendencies and he is helping by keeping an eye and also trying to engage with MR BIG BLUE. I think it is helpful to share the burden, its not really fair that I have to deal with these issues when I am trying to get on with my life.

Speaking of getting on with my life, I am trying. I’ve become a serial tinder/OKCupid dater. I’ve dated some real weirdoes (for instance, a guy who told me I looked nothing like my profile photo and it was false advertising) and then some real sweethearts (there was one who was just too innocent, I had to message him after our first date to say I didn’t want anything romantic because I am not in the right space and I just felt I would end up corrupting his innocence, the same way MR BIG BLUE did to me). But at the end of the day internet dating is internet dating and I very much doubt I am going to meet my future husband online. Because ultimately I am looking for a story…an epic adventure and not one that starts ‘Once upon a time I swiped right on Tinder….’

Now onto the main event. Not my finest moment.

So after what everyone said about JSWIPE, I still chatted to him. I’ve decided that while I am a good girl and true romantic at heart, I need to have fun. I need to go out, drink, dance and party the night away (and yes maybe have a fling or two who cares). No one night stands, but I think I could deal with a fling (friends with benefits kinda vibe). Maybe something light-hearted could be fun (or a learning experience if nothing else).

Thursday – a school night, I decided to have some quiet drink with a new friend of mine, Moosey Monroe. So Crazy Moosey Monroe and I started with a couple of glasses of wine at my place, which was nice. With some light-hearted conversation mostly about our dating histories. She is the total opposite of me. Lots of experience but never had anything long-term. Apparently she is a commitment-phone (just like JSWIPE). In fact, he came up a lot in our conversation and Moosey Monroe’s insight was that if I wanted to get his attention, I needed to get his attention. JSWIPE and I had previously chatted and we’d said we might meet up later that night at a local bar where his friend was DJ’ing. So when Moosey Monroe and I went out to our first bar stop (where we had a lot of fun vibing with two random guys). I have to say I had fun with Moosey Monroe as my new wing women. She got me to message JSWIPE telling him she was making me drink tequila shots (which she subsequently got me to do).

Tequila – Always the Beginning of the End

Anyway, we then moved onto the place we were going to meet JSWIPE. Moosey Monroe was chatting up every guy in sight. JSWIPE hadn’t yet arrived. I decided to explore the quaint little venue. I wondered up some stairs and sat by myself for a bit contemplating life (by this I mean dreaming of JSWIPE). After a while I decided I should go find Moosey Monroe and I was going down to find when I slipped and FELL DOWN THE STAIRS. If that wasn’t bad enough, guess who was at the bottom of the stairs ? None other than JSWIPE. WTF??? He helped me up and dusted me off. I was sooooo embarrassed. Gosh, why did he have to arrive the moment I fell down ??? What the hell?

Anyway, he was SUPER sweet (now you all have to change your opinions of him). He tried to massage my bruised ego and we chatted a bit. Then he said he would drive me home as Moosey Monroe was busy making out with most of the clubs population. On the drive home, I talked even more nonsense. Basically telling him that I wanted to be more like Moosey Monroe (i.e be easy and less of a hopeless romantic good girl) because after all she looked like she was having more fun that I was (in other words, I was trying to subltly tell him I was available for him to have his wicked way with). He was really really sweet and told me I should never become like her, because I am the kind of girl who actually cares about things and that isn’t a bad thing. And get this he dropped me home and made NO MOVES whatsoever. Made sure I was home safe and then drove away.

Is this what I've done with JSWIPE?
Is this what I’ve done with JSWIPE?

I went to sleep so angry and upset. I had waited so long to see him and then all that happened was that I made a complete fool out of myself. I decided he no longer found me attractive after seeing me fall down the stairs and talk so much drivel. But the next morning, I thought about it and realised how good it was that he didn’t take advantage of me when I was in such a state of stupidity (see he has a spark of decency). I think that fact that he didn’t actually makes me like him more.

Now tell me what you have to say. Have you all changed your mind about JSWIPE? Do you think he drove me home and didn’t take things further because he doesn’t find me attractive anymore after my drunken shenanigans? Or do you think he actually realised I was a nice girl who doesn’t deserve to get hurt by a commitment-phobe? And what do you all think of my new friend Moosey Monroe? Bad influence or just who I need to lift my spirits?


One Step Forward…Two Million Steps Back

Despite all the criticism you guys have thrown at me recently I think my last couple of posts have been a break from the norm. For one thing, I didn’t mention HIM. And there I was actually enjoying my life again – spending time with friends, crushing on Dr.Sparkle, even kissing JSWIPE. I started to feel like I was making progress. I was beginning to think things were getting easier, that maybe one day I would wake up and MR BIG BLUE would not be the first person that popped into my head.

one step forward, two steps back
Really? It doesn’t feel like progress.

And then kind of out of nowhere he rears his ugly (actually its quite pretty) head. A couple of days ago I got a message from MR BIG BLUE. He was telling me he is feeling all down in the dumps. He says there is no purpose for him here. That he is useless and has no place in the material world. He says he wants to go back to India. He says the Hare Krishna temple is no longer his safe haven because of the rumours people have spread about him. He says the Oracle and the Other Women have ruined his life. His says life has to be a big fat secret. He told me he was sorry he let me down.

My immediate thoughts were ‘well, it seems like there is trouble in paradise’.  And I have to admit, there was part of me that was a little bit happy because a) after what he had put me through I thought he deserved a little taste of his own medicine and b) I was thinking so you left me to pursue happiness with that thing (The Divorcee)…so much for happily ever after, hey?. I wanted to ask him how this relationship was expected to survive when it was all based on lies.Part of me wanted to say I told you so, see the grass is not greener over there on the richer side of town. But I didn’t.

I felt sorry for him. I still see him as a little blond haired, blue eyed boy. I just wanted to be close to him so I could give him a cuddle and tell him that he was loved by me (yes, sad to say it but there is a little part of my heart that cares about him) and also by his family. I wanted to tell him, that we could sort through everything and that I was here for him. I wanted to shake him and say what the hell are you doing? Come back to me, the girl who has loved you no matter what! I wanted to tell him that she is forcing him to hide their relationship to protect her own reputation, while he isolates himself from the people that actually care. But it wasn’t my place to say any of that. So I didn’t.

Instead I told him to cheer up. I told him things would get better. I said if he wanted to go to the temple, then he’d have to face the rumours and put things right. I made him laugh, the way we used to laugh together. (He said I had a unique sense of humour, that no one could take away). I told him, I was his friend. Best friend. Always. I told him that I loved him and that I understood. I said he should reach out to his family. I also let him know I wasn’t stupid and that I knew more than the thought I did. I said I would help out if he gave me the chance. I really don’t understand why I still care.

So how do think I handled it? Why do I still care? Why can’t I switch my feelings off? Am I really making any progress at all by going on these dates? Or am I just finding myself attracted to slightly bad boys like JSWIPE as a distraction? Will I really ever get over my first love?

P.S. As a side note. Apparently, the Mad Man (Divorcee’s not quite ex-husband) apparently pitched at her house with the police to fetch his stuff. He found her there with MR BIG BLUE. He wasn’t pleased (naturally). He went to the temple and made a huge scene about it. Crazy. Crazy. I’m glad I’m staying away from all the drama now.

Be kind. Cheer me up today. I need it.

Cinders x o x o

The First ‘Post-MR BIG BLUE’ Kiss

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow! That’s all I have to say this morning.

Well as you probably guessed from the title of my post, my first date with the Poison Dwarf (it really is an unfair name because he wasn’t really short…just not as tall as the guys I usually go for) went well. Actually let’s call him J-SWIPE from this point onwards, because Poison Dwarf is so not appropriate.

We met for drinks after work. I liked him as soon as we met because he just took charge of the situation, ordered is wine and snacks. He let me choose where we sat. I chose somewhere not to hidden away…I didn’t know what his vibe was. We got chatting…work, politics, serious stuff to start with. It was interesting and the conversation flowed really well. We moved on he asked me about my previous relationships, so yes MR BIG BLUE did make a minor appearance on my first pre-MR BIG BLUE date. But actually it was good, for the first time ever I was able to tell the story as it was – warts and all. I didn’t sugar coat things. I told J-SWIPE that MR BIG BLUE got too carried away with the Hare Krishna movement and he cheated on me. OK, so maybe it was a good thing. I know he is a total random but it felt good to briefly be able to tell the truth to someone. He also told me about his previous Tinder dates, which was interesting.

The bar started to clear out as most people were there for a show that was going on upstairs. Whenever other people started walking into our little section of the bar I spotted J-SWIPE giving them the evil eye. I think he wanted to get me all to himself. Then this magician guy came along and treated us to a little show which was pretty good. So he had both of us trying to be clever and figure out the secret to his tricks. A really quirky first date experience.

A Magical First Date experience?

I think J-SWIPE was itching for the magician to bugger off so we could get our flirt on. And then as soon as he was out the picture, the conversation took a turn towards the slightly more flirtatious side. We’d been bantering on WhatsApp about the controversial 50 Shades of Grey and he asked to check it out on my kindle and from there things got a little more interesting. I saw him reach for the dimmer switch behindOne thing led to another and somehow we ended kissing across the table. It was weird because I was thinking so much about the fact that I hadn’t kissed anyone apart from MR BIG BLUE for over half a decade and there I was just like that. And there were butterflies and sparkles and all that wonderful stuff. Then there were more kisses. Him paying the bill as quickly as possible and then suggesting we drive to the beach.

We ended up driving in separate cars which was really strange because he followed me and I spent the whole time thinking he would get bored of the long drive and ditch me (seems I have no faith in men – thank you MR BIG BLUE ! Jerk!). But J-SWIPE didn’t lose me in traffic. We got to the beach. Kissed a little more. Listened to the sound of the waves. It was pretty nice.

Eeek…I did it! First Post-MR BIG BLUE kiss 🙂

I let him come back to my place for a glass of wine…except I had no wine so we drank Vodka instead. Chatted some more. I was a good girl though and didn’t let things get any further than necessary. He went back home late…I wouldn’t have complained if he’d stayed a little longer for cuddles.  Oh well, next time, if there is even a next time.

I spent much of the night stressing that he would not bother message me ever again…but he did. All is good…we now just keep our fingers crossed for a second date.

OK…So tell me your thoughts? Are you pleased to see me getting out there? Was it wrong that I spoke about MR BIG BLUE or is good sign to show I have finally accepted what happened? It’s a bit of a long time since I dated…was it too much that I let him come back to mine (although he didn’t stay over)? Should I hold back a bit? And put your bets on…do you think I will get asked on a second date?

Lots of Love

A ever-so-slightly smitten Cinders x o x o

The Wonderful Dr Sparkle

MR BIG BLUE is back but I haven’t seen him yet. I don’t want to see him again but it’s inevitable. I need to distract myself.  So far I’ve eaten a lot of chocolate and joined tinder but my favourite distraction through this whole saga has been….Dr Sparkle…aka New Crush Guy (NCG) to some of you. The more observant amongst you may remember Dr Sparkle making minor features during the Epic Dating Fail and also on Valentine’s Weekend. But I haven’t exactly gone into much detail about him as yet.

Dr Sparkle….where do I start? Well he is just lovely. Intelligent (and I mean super clever). Sweet. Modest. Funny (really really funny). Easy to talk to. Down to earth. Kind of religious (eeek ! But not any kind of fanatic like MR BIG BLUE). In fact, he is the opposite of MR BIG BLUE is almost every way. I feel happy when I am around him and I get giggly when I even thinking about our conversations. People think it’s odd that we spend so much time together (I think it is part of the reason Crazy Cat Lady blew up) but it’s really been such a long time since I felt comfortable like this around a guy.

Dr Sparkle - An Old Fashioned Romantic :)
Dr Sparkle – An Old Fashioned Romantic 🙂

But does he like me? Now that’s the million dollar question. He always seems willing to spend time with me alone. I’ve noticed he is quite awkward around some women but not really with me (but maybe that’s because we are just friends). But then again he always tells me about the types of girls he fancies (ok, so I admit I’ve told him about the types of guys I like too)…but is this appropriate behaviour if you actually like someone? It’s really odd and hard to explain.

One quite interesting thing to note is that Dr Sparkle is aware of some of the details of the MR BIG BLUE situation and he has been encouraging me to end things properly. Part of me thinks that this is just what any good friend would say (well, it’s the same thing all of you have been saying from the start) but there is also another little part of me that thinks…well, maybe he is telling me to end it so he can legitimately make a move because he really is a gentleman. Also, he also recently came out of a messy break up so that too could be an issue…maybe he needs something a little more light-hearted first.

Crazy Cat Lady’s take on it was that we both liked each other (but I think she could have been being sarcastic because she actually liked him herself). She said I needed to act fast because it was impossible for a guy and girl to be just friends and if I left it too long I would end up getting hurt. I don’t know how much I believe her though. Part of me is too scared to act on my feelings for Dr Sparkle because I feel that it could potentially ruin our friendship which is something I really value.

Hmmm…So there you have it folks. Cinders has a little bitty crush. So do tell me what you think…Do you think there is a chance for Dr Sparkle and I? Do you think we are better off waiting considering both of us just came out of pretty messy relationships? Have you ever tried to take a friendship to the next level? Did it work out well? And is it really impossible for guys and girls to ever be just friends?

As always I look forward to your thoughts and insights.

Love Cinders x o x o

And he’s back … And I’m so not ready

What the hell is up with MR BIG BLUE? Last week when I told him that Crazy Cat Lady kicked me out, he responds by telling me that a) I had outstayed my welcome with her and b) that he MIGHT be coming back early. Now today he messages me to say he will be back tomorrow…I’m all like WTF??!! (Although, I’m have a hunch he could have been back a while already…maybe shacked up with the divorcee or maybe he even planned on coming back at the beginning of the month as he knew that was when my house was meant to be ready… and he knows I would have given him a roof over his head if I could).

I expected him to be gone for at least 2 months. I wasn’t happy with the situation because I felt he was running away from all his issues here but I mentally prepared myself the reality that he would be gone. I expected it to be hard but I found ways to cope and friends to help me deal with the stress. I began to open up more with people. I started to find my own feet at the Hare Krishna Temple.  I felt like I was starting to make progress and be open to the fact that there were possibly better people for me out there. And then this happened!

meeting an ex again
Wouldn’t it be nice if things could be so simple ???

I’m not sure when I will see him exactly but it will definitely be at some point in the next few days.

So what do I do? I struggled to say goodbye but now I wonder if I am ready to say hello again? I was just starting to explore possible feelings I had for someone new, someone who has the potential to be truly wonderful – could seeing MR BIG BLUE just end up jeopardizing this? Without him here I began to see things for what they were…the whole situation is too messed up for me to be part of. Now with him back I am worried he will win me over someway or somehow. How do I stop this happening? Despite all his done, I don’t want to be hurtful or mean to him. How do I talk to him without getting angry or emotional? And why or why can’t I just have a stress-free weekend ever? First Crazy Cat Lady drama and now this? Am I finally getting rid of all the deadwood in my life?

Would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your thoughts. HELP !!!!


Cinders x o x o


Just wanted to post quickly to let you all know why I’ve been a bit AWOL for the past week. Life took a turn from messed up to beyond STRESSFUL on so so many levels.


I won’t go into too much detail but here are the main reasons.

1. Crazy Cat Lady went mental and kicked me out because I wouldn’t choose her over all of my other friends. My Castle’s transfer got delayed which pretty much makes me homeless. So this weekend I will be putting all my stuff into storage and becoming a nomad. Thankfully I have awesome friends who have stepped up and offered me their beds, couches, hammocks and floors to sleep on :).

2. Even though shes been uber mean to me I am actually seriously worried about CCL. I was her last friend standing and now she has kicked me to curb as well. I don’t know what she will do without ANY human contact whatsoever. I think she needs professional help but I am not in a position to help her. I hope that once I can get out of her place…maybe it will be easier for me to approach her.

3. MR BIG BLUE might be coming home early. I was just getting used to having this space and I thought I was using this time to become more independent but the thought of him potentially being back in less than a week truly messes things up in a huge way. He hasn’t confirmed anything yet. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

4. This shouldn’t be something stressful but its also messing with my head a little. I think I have a bit of a crush on someone. Its still to early to say if the feelings are real or I am just tricking myself into believing this is something more than it actually is. But I can say one thing…he has made me smile through all this stress and been a supportive friend (although I think he is too oblivious to know). When I am around him, I feel like I am on the top of the world. I can totally be my crazy self around him and he makes me SMILE a lot. Nothing romantic has happened and everything is in my head at the moment. But I am determined not to mess things up with him. Right now, the friendship means too much for me to throw it away. I want to make sure all my feelings for MR BIG BLUE are gone before I move on to anything else and I need to make sure its worth risking our friendship for. I don’t know if he like likes me the same way, but he knows a bit about the MR BIG BLUE situation and I know he is to decent to make a move until he knows it totally over. He is the opposite of MR BIG BLUE in every single way. I am just a little bit smitten. Gosh.

5. Oh and by the way… I lost my appetite. I don’t know whether its all the stress from CRAZY CAT LADY or whether its love sickness or pure craziness? YOU. TELL. ME.

Am I reading to much into a little bit of smiling ?

OK guys, there is my uber quick update so now over to you … give me your thoughts.

How should I handle the Crazy Cat Lady situation? How do I deal with seeing MR BIG BLUE again so much sooner than I was prepared for? Do you think I am crushing on this new guy as a rebound thing? Am I crazy to go from crying our MR BIG BLUE to being smitten over someone new so soon? Do you think I am misreading signals from someone who is a good friend as something more when its not? Have you ever lost your appetite over stress or over a potential love interest? Share your experiences and distract me from my stress.

Till I return from my weekend of STRESS.

Lots of love my sweeties,

Cinders x o x o

Valentines Day without MR BIG BLUE

So I conquered my first b’day post-MR BIG BLUE last week thanks to a bunch of good friends who kept my spirits high and partied with me. This was followed by a little high school drama which was a bit of an unnecessary distraction. And now BOOM the dreaded V-day is upon us. And how do I feel about it?

Well….I don’t really know to be honest. MR BIG BLUE and I never really did much for it anyway. We always made it our thing to boycott that nonsense, because we didn’t want a cookie cutter, Hallmark-kinda relationship. Our first Valentines Day, we attempted to find a restaurant but they all had ridiculously expensive Valentine’s Day menus so we ended up eating take-out at home and watching movies. One year, MR BIG BLUE tricked me. I thought I’d successfully managed to avoid the day but when I got home he told me that I needed to run upstairs and see what my feathered friend had done to one of my favourite dresses. When I opened the bedroom door, he decked out the whole room and got me the BIGGEST, most tacky Valentines card ever. We had a good laugh. But I’m not here to reminisce about happy times with MR BIG BLUE now am I ?

Boycotting Valentine’s Day – Mine and MR BIG BLUE’s thing 😉

Onward and Upwards that’s what I say. So the plan tomorrow includes finding my inner calm at a 90 minute yoga class, getting involved in a feeding scheme for homeless children to remind myself how much I have to be thankful for in my life and that I need to stop wallowing in self pity, champagne tasting with Dr Sparkle and Tatyana (shhhh…nobody tell Crazy Cat Lady) and possibly a date with the Yogic Banker (I have no other option guys.) The alternative is sitting in with CCL and the kitties and get absorbed into the last 2 parts of the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy followed by a bonfire where I burn all my pictures of MR BIG BLUE…Which would you choose?!!!

Oh and MR BIG BLUE…Here is a Valentine’s song for you sweet. In the words of Taylor Swift…

Now over to you my Valentine’s cherubs…

Tell me what you think about Valentine’s Day – Overrated or just another sweet occasion to celebrate LOVE? Do I sound like I am getting cynical and moving away from hopelessly romantic ways? What do you think of my Valentine’s Day plans? A positive move away from MR BIG BLUE? Have you guys got any good tips on how to survive your first V-Day as a singleton? Tell me about your plans (if you are doing something nice, I promise to be happy for you)? What have been your best and worst Valentine’s Day experiences? Come along girls and guys…Remember sharing is caring :).

Lots of LOVE

Cinders x o x o

High School Politics – The Late 20s and 30s Edition

If you were expecting a post on the boring MR BIG BLUE situation. Guess again. Today, Cinders is going to tell you about some other matters that have totally been distracting her from the whole MR BIG BLUE situation. And although its all absolutely stupid I think its good for me, especially with Valentines Day fast approaching. So…remember Crazy Cat Lady and Tatyana (who got a very brief mention in this post)? Well, they’ve been fighting like cats and dogs (no pun intended)! Over what I hear you ask? Who the hell knows ! Its like we’ve time traveled back to our high school days. The worst thing is I am the mutual friend trying to deal with the situation diplomatically. Totally stuck in the middle.

Lets start by giving you some information of the warring parties. Well, Crazy Cat Lady really needs know introduction. You all heard about her in the last post and I think many people agreed that she was a little depressed. One of the things I was doing to try and help her move forward in her life is to introduce her to new people (not necessary date worthy men) but just friends. I thought that being around people more (and cats less) would help her see that the world is not such a horrible place. One of the many people I introduced her to was a good drinking buddy of mine, namely Tatyana. Now Tatyana (from Eastern Europe obviously) is a fun time party girl, shes loud and proud (which can come across as obnoxious sometimes) but she serves the purpose of lifting a person’s spirit and making the laugh. Sound like a match made in heaven or recipe for disaster? You tell me my cherubs 😉

Cat Fight !! - Crazy Cat Lady vs. Tatyana
Cat Fight !! – Crazy Cat Lady vs. Tatyana

Anyway lets now fast forward a bit to the incident itself .It all kicks of on Friday night (but I think the build ups been going on for months). We were all due to meet for after work drinks. I told them I was going to be a little late as I would go to a yoga class (no not with the Yogic Banker 😉 ). When I arrived at the pub, you could cut the tension with a knife. These along with Dr.Sparkle were ready to kill each other. The atmosphere was bad. Then the girls started bickering about silly things. Like the fact that Tatyana hadn’t invited Crazy Cat Lady to a house party (CCL doesn’t really like drinking alcohol and always wants to rush back to her kitties) and that Crazy Cat Lady kept zoning out of the conversation and when she was asked why she said you people are boring (to which Tatyana asked why she choose to hang out with boring people). Anyways, the argument ended with CCL storming off home to her cats. We were left a bit stunned by her behaviour but Tatyana, Dr Sparkle and I decided to carry on the evening as a threesome and we ended up joining some others for a house party. All in all a pretty decent night out with a few Facebook anecdotes to match.

The morning after the night before…I decided that some time had passed so I would contact CCL to find out if she was OK and what had happened. She said she was very disappointed in me and that she felt that I had chosen Tatyana over her. She said that all I wanted to do these days was party and drink and that she felt there was no place for a sober minded friend like her. I said that was not the case, I told her I cared about her and that I didn’t understand why she had let the tension get to such a point. She said Tatyana had no life experience and it irritated her how care-free this girl was (just bear in mind Tatyana is 10 years younger than CCL). I told her if she hadn’t liked Tatyana then she could have created distance between them so she wouldn’t have to put herself in such positions.

According to CCL’s theory, Tatyana was jealous of the friendship CCL and I had shared and wanted to sabotage it. She said that Tatyana had purposefully used the time that I was at the yoga class to attack her and make her feel isolated. She said Tatyana and I were always posting pictures of us having fun on Facebook and that was making her feel bad. (High School issues I told you). Basically, Tatyana (and Dr. Sparkle) were stealing away from her. I tried to see thinks from her point of view. Maybe I had actually been spending too much time with Tatyana (especially since MR BIG BLUE had left). Maybe Tatyana had been a good distraction for me – someone to take my mind of MR BIG BLUE and the fact that I still miss him. Maybe I had focused a new, fun friendship at the expense of my good all buddy CCL. 😦

mean girls
Mean Girls – Will we ever out grow High School Politics?

So folks, I’ve given you the bare bones of the story so please feel free to ask questions and make comments in the space below….Do you think its crazy that grown women in the late 20s and 30s can fight over such trivial issues? Do you think its wrong that I’ve started going out with Tatyana since MR BIG BLUE jetted off? Do you think I am using this light-hearted friendship as a way of running away from my issues? Is it OK to have some fun-time friends that are only there for the parties and the fun times? Do you think I was too forceful in trying to help Crazy Cat Lady get out and about? And finally do you have any similar experiences to share and will the high school politics ever end?

Till the next episode of my drama-filled life my darlings

LOVE from Cinders x o x o