A Bad Boy with a Spark of Decency

The fact that I’ve been quiet is a sign that I’m living. Maybe living a bit too much, but living all the same.

Since my last update, things have been pretty quiet on the MR BIG BLUE front. Although the Oracle and I had a conversation about my worries on MR BIG BLUE’s suicidal tendencies and he is helping by keeping an eye and also trying to engage with MR BIG BLUE. I think it is helpful to share the burden, its not really fair that I have to deal with these issues when I am trying to get on with my life.

Speaking of getting on with my life, I am trying. I’ve become a serial tinder/OKCupid dater. I’ve dated some real weirdoes (for instance, a guy who told me I looked nothing like my profile photo and it was false advertising) and then some real sweethearts (there was one who was just too innocent, I had to message him after our first date to say I didn’t want anything romantic because I am not in the right space and I just felt I would end up corrupting his innocence, the same way MR BIG BLUE did to me). But at the end of the day internet dating is internet dating and I very much doubt I am going to meet my future husband online. Because ultimately I am looking for a story…an epic adventure and not one that starts ‘Once upon a time I swiped right on Tinder….’

Now onto the main event. Not my finest moment.

So after what everyone said about JSWIPE, I still chatted to him. I’ve decided that while I am a good girl and true romantic at heart, I need to have fun. I need to go out, drink, dance and party the night away (and yes maybe have a fling or two who cares). No one night stands, but I think I could deal with a fling (friends with benefits kinda vibe). Maybe something light-hearted could be fun (or a learning experience if nothing else).

Thursday – a school night, I decided to have some quiet drink with a new friend of mine, Moosey Monroe. So Crazy Moosey Monroe and I started with a couple of glasses of wine at my place, which was nice. With some light-hearted conversation mostly about our dating histories. She is the total opposite of me. Lots of experience but never had anything long-term. Apparently she is a commitment-phone (just like JSWIPE). In fact, he came up a lot in our conversation and Moosey Monroe’s insight was that if I wanted to get his attention, I needed to get his attention. JSWIPE and I had previously chatted and we’d said we might meet up later that night at a local bar where his friend was DJ’ing. So when Moosey Monroe and I went out to our first bar stop (where we had a lot of fun vibing with two random guys). I have to say I had fun with Moosey Monroe as my new wing women. She got me to message JSWIPE telling him she was making me drink tequila shots (which she subsequently got me to do).

tequila
Tequila – Always the Beginning of the End

Anyway, we then moved onto the place we were going to meet JSWIPE. Moosey Monroe was chatting up every guy in sight. JSWIPE hadn’t yet arrived. I decided to explore the quaint little venue. I wondered up some stairs and sat by myself for a bit contemplating life (by this I mean dreaming of JSWIPE). After a while I decided I should go find Moosey Monroe and I was going down to find when I slipped and FELL DOWN THE STAIRS. If that wasn’t bad enough, guess who was at the bottom of the stairs ? None other than JSWIPE. WTF??? He helped me up and dusted me off. I was sooooo embarrassed. Gosh, why did he have to arrive the moment I fell down ??? What the hell?

Anyway, he was SUPER sweet (now you all have to change your opinions of him). He tried to massage my bruised ego and we chatted a bit. Then he said he would drive me home as Moosey Monroe was busy making out with most of the clubs population. On the drive home, I talked even more nonsense. Basically telling him that I wanted to be more like Moosey Monroe (i.e be easy and less of a hopeless romantic good girl) because after all she looked like she was having more fun that I was (in other words, I was trying to subltly tell him I was available for him to have his wicked way with). He was really really sweet and told me I should never become like her, because I am the kind of girl who actually cares about things and that isn’t a bad thing. And get this he dropped me home and made NO MOVES whatsoever. Made sure I was home safe and then drove away.

Is this what I've done with JSWIPE?
Is this what I’ve done with JSWIPE?

I went to sleep so angry and upset. I had waited so long to see him and then all that happened was that I made a complete fool out of myself. I decided he no longer found me attractive after seeing me fall down the stairs and talk so much drivel. But the next morning, I thought about it and realised how good it was that he didn’t take advantage of me when I was in such a state of stupidity (see he has a spark of decency). I think that fact that he didn’t actually makes me like him more.

Now tell me what you have to say. Have you all changed your mind about JSWIPE? Do you think he drove me home and didn’t take things further because he doesn’t find me attractive anymore after my drunken shenanigans? Or do you think he actually realised I was a nice girl who doesn’t deserve to get hurt by a commitment-phobe? And what do you all think of my new friend Moosey Monroe? Bad influence or just who I need to lift my spirits?

Acceptance – The FINAL Revelation

I have finally accepted it is over with MR BIG BLUE and there is no chance we will ever get back together EVER.

After speaking to his mum last week things were a lot clearer. Even the people that were supposed to be on his side were telling me to walk away.

Following my reunion with MR BIG BLUE last week when I told him about the rumours that were going around and encouraged to fight them, the Oracle phoned me and said that they wanted to hold a meeting at the Hare Krishna temple and they wanted to confront the situation to see if MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita to get his initiation.  As it was accusations from the Other Women had got this thing started in the first place they want the meeting to be between MR BIG BLUE, the Other Women, the Oracle, the head of the temple and me.

I told MR BIG BLUE that I had been asked to attend the meeting. At first he seemed quite shocked and said he didn’t want me to be there because he was afraid the other parties would want to hurt me. I told him I was already hurt by what had been said so far and I would just rather have the truth. There was a long silence then. He then contacted me saying he thinks I should attend the meeting and we could fight together as I team and I would just need to back him up and say we had only been friends for the past two years (yeah right – I think by this stage even this idiot had begun to believe his own lies). He told me I would do it if I was his real friend (blackmail?!). I played along.

Then I emailed the Marigold – a very senior figure that MR BIG BLUE looks up to. I told him about the rumours, the meeting and the awkward position I was put being. He responded to my very detailed email with this short message:

Thank you for the message.

MR BIG BLUE has told me that he and the Divorcee are serious about their relationship, and want to go ahead together.

Certainly you should just be open and straightforward when the meeting happens. You have nothing to lose by being honest.

So there it was in black and white. It was no longer just a rumour. MR BIG BLUE had gone and confided in a person who he values over anyone in his family. It was true.

Despite all MR BIG BLUE’S statements, the Marigold knew the truth. Only a few months he had spoken to me about getting married to MR BIG BLUE. So he knew we weren’t just friends. All these lies. What a messed up situation. It took a while to settle in. I slept on it. But it was now there, out in the open.

acceptance
Acceptance – Finally !

The next day I visited the Hare Krishna temple to speak with the Oracle. I had already arranged to meet him to discuss what would and wouldn’t be said in the meeting. As soon as I met him I told him that it was over between MR BIG BLUE and I. There you go. I said it, old loud, for the first. It was OVER. We were no longer on a break. We were no longer a grey area. There was not a chance in hell we would be getting back together. It was well and truly OVER. I had accepted it. Totally 100%.

Talking to the Oracle always makes things seem better. At first he seemed disappointed that things had finished as he had always been a supporter of our relationship. I explained the position I was in. He suggested maybe I didn’t come to the meeting. That way I wouldn’t be forced to lie. This seemed like a pretty good idea. I just needed to consider how MR BIG BLUE would take it (not that it should really matter after everything he had put me through). The Oracle also said that there had been a purpose for me in all this drama. He said that MR BIG BLUE had brought me to Krishna and there was something good in that. The Oracle also took my hand and looked at the lines. He said there was another relationship on the horizon (well in about 4 years) and he said that would be the man I’d marry. I don’t know how much I believe him but it was nice to be given some hope. He also said that there was a lesson here and I needed to make better choices…with my head, rather than my heart. He said that he could tell I was a person of high-moral character and I should look for someone I could respect rather than someone I needed to fix.

hope
HOPE – Thanks to the Oracle for giving me a little bit of HOPE for the future. Just need the pain to end now.

So there you have it. Acceptance.

So do you think this is a turning point for me? Do you think I’ve finally accepted things are over with MR BIG BLUE? Do you think I am being a coward by not going to a meeting where I could completely destroy MR BIG BLUE and bring down all his lies? Or do you think I am right to walk away from this now and let MR BIG BLUE get on with his own sordid little life with the Divorcee? What do you think about the hope given to me by the Oracle? Is it worth believing that there is still somewhere waiting for me to come along?

Look forward to hearing what y’all have to say.

LOVE Cinders x o x o

The Sounds of Heartbreak – A Mother’s Love

So for a long time readers of this blog have been telling me to come clean to my family and friends about the Mr BIG BLUE situation and to stop protecting him. Yesterday, I took the first step.

MR BIG BLUE’S Mum contacted me as she had received some messages from him saying that he was struggling and needed help and unconditional love from his family. Hearing those messages broke my heart because he did have unconditional love from me but he was willing to give that up for the Divorcee, a more lavish lifestyle with a cookie-cutter Hare Krishna girl.

His mum was asking me what was going on and when I’d last seen him. I finally buckled. I just opened up to her. I told her things weren’t so good. I said that I saw him on Monday and we talked and I couldn’t figure out what was going on with him. I told her that as far as I knew he wasn’t living at the Hare Krishna temple anymore but nobody knew where he was. I explained that he had been cagey and she agreed he was acting out of character.

secret sharing

She kept asking me questions about how he got the money to go to India (he hasn’t been working for over two years now). She asked me why he came back so soon (nobody really knows but I am sure the Divorcee had something to do with it). I didn’t have the answers she was looking for… I wanted her help and I couldn’t keep the information to myself anymore. So I told her.

I told her I had my suspicions about him being involved with someone else and that there were rumours going around at the temple. I told her I had a inclining about who it was. I provided her with a name, age, religious inclination (oh and I provided her with the small token bitchy bit of information that the divorcee was one of those girls who were married and divorced by the age of 32 😉 ). I told her I hadn’t got any concrete evidence yet but my gut was telling me something. I explained how MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita about him and I just being good friends. And how he had portrayed me to people at the temple as a crazed ex-girlfriend who couldn’t get over him (for 2 years). I also told her about the Other Women.

She was angry. She told me that I shouldn’t let him manipulate. She phoned him and asked him straight what was going on. He was still cagey with her. Then she asked him how things were going with me and he replied we were really great friends as always. This made her crazy mad. She told me she was hurt because she’d thought they had trained him better than this and she was upset at the way he’d treated me. Hearing her say this broke my heart. I told her not to blame herself for any of this and that the reason I fell in love with MR BIG BLUE was because he was brought up to be a gentleman. I said that if I blamed anyone for this change in his behaviour it would be the Hare Krishna’s and not his folks. She said that as far as his father and she were concerned I had always been the right one for their son and that they saw that while he did try and manipulate me at times, they knew I was strong and independent enough to handle him. She said that he was the loser in all of this and that his family would be there for me if ever I needed anything.

Seeing his Mother so upset broke my heart. Knowing that she was such a good person that she’d protect me over her own son meant the world to me. She is truly amazing and I will love her forever for being the first person who shared this burden with me. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Breakup Family
Does he have a point?

So over to y’all now… Do you think it was a step forward that I told someone what had truly happened? Or have I just served to hurt another innocent person? How important is family approval to the success of a relationship? Have I possibly ruined the chances of the Divorcee being welcomed into this amazing family (where she does not deserve to be in my humble opinion)? What do you do when a relationship and break-up goes beyond just two people? How do you say goodbye to a family that you have grown to love and still care about?

As usual I really do need your thoughts and good vibes right now, more than ever. Please comment and offer your much-needed pearls of wisdom. You will make my day.

Till a better day (hopefully).

LOVE Cinders x o x o

The Wonderful Dr Sparkle

MR BIG BLUE is back but I haven’t seen him yet. I don’t want to see him again but it’s inevitable. I need to distract myself.  So far I’ve eaten a lot of chocolate and joined tinder but my favourite distraction through this whole saga has been….Dr Sparkle…aka New Crush Guy (NCG) to some of you. The more observant amongst you may remember Dr Sparkle making minor features during the Epic Dating Fail and also on Valentine’s Weekend. But I haven’t exactly gone into much detail about him as yet.

Dr Sparkle….where do I start? Well he is just lovely. Intelligent (and I mean super clever). Sweet. Modest. Funny (really really funny). Easy to talk to. Down to earth. Kind of religious (eeek ! But not any kind of fanatic like MR BIG BLUE). In fact, he is the opposite of MR BIG BLUE is almost every way. I feel happy when I am around him and I get giggly when I even thinking about our conversations. People think it’s odd that we spend so much time together (I think it is part of the reason Crazy Cat Lady blew up) but it’s really been such a long time since I felt comfortable like this around a guy.

Dr Sparkle - An Old Fashioned Romantic :)
Dr Sparkle – An Old Fashioned Romantic 🙂

But does he like me? Now that’s the million dollar question. He always seems willing to spend time with me alone. I’ve noticed he is quite awkward around some women but not really with me (but maybe that’s because we are just friends). But then again he always tells me about the types of girls he fancies (ok, so I admit I’ve told him about the types of guys I like too)…but is this appropriate behaviour if you actually like someone? It’s really odd and hard to explain.

One quite interesting thing to note is that Dr Sparkle is aware of some of the details of the MR BIG BLUE situation and he has been encouraging me to end things properly. Part of me thinks that this is just what any good friend would say (well, it’s the same thing all of you have been saying from the start) but there is also another little part of me that thinks…well, maybe he is telling me to end it so he can legitimately make a move because he really is a gentleman. Also, he also recently came out of a messy break up so that too could be an issue…maybe he needs something a little more light-hearted first.

Crazy Cat Lady’s take on it was that we both liked each other (but I think she could have been being sarcastic because she actually liked him herself). She said I needed to act fast because it was impossible for a guy and girl to be just friends and if I left it too long I would end up getting hurt. I don’t know how much I believe her though. Part of me is too scared to act on my feelings for Dr Sparkle because I feel that it could potentially ruin our friendship which is something I really value.

Hmmm…So there you have it folks. Cinders has a little bitty crush. So do tell me what you think…Do you think there is a chance for Dr Sparkle and I? Do you think we are better off waiting considering both of us just came out of pretty messy relationships? Have you ever tried to take a friendship to the next level? Did it work out well? And is it really impossible for guys and girls to ever be just friends?

As always I look forward to your thoughts and insights.

Love Cinders x o x o

STRESS, STRESS and MORE STRESS

Just wanted to post quickly to let you all know why I’ve been a bit AWOL for the past week. Life took a turn from messed up to beyond STRESSFUL on so so many levels.

SUPER STRESS
Me – SUPER STRESSED !!!

I won’t go into too much detail but here are the main reasons.

1. Crazy Cat Lady went mental and kicked me out because I wouldn’t choose her over all of my other friends. My Castle’s transfer got delayed which pretty much makes me homeless. So this weekend I will be putting all my stuff into storage and becoming a nomad. Thankfully I have awesome friends who have stepped up and offered me their beds, couches, hammocks and floors to sleep on :).

2. Even though shes been uber mean to me I am actually seriously worried about CCL. I was her last friend standing and now she has kicked me to curb as well. I don’t know what she will do without ANY human contact whatsoever. I think she needs professional help but I am not in a position to help her. I hope that once I can get out of her place…maybe it will be easier for me to approach her.

3. MR BIG BLUE might be coming home early. I was just getting used to having this space and I thought I was using this time to become more independent but the thought of him potentially being back in less than a week truly messes things up in a huge way. He hasn’t confirmed anything yet. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

4. This shouldn’t be something stressful but its also messing with my head a little. I think I have a bit of a crush on someone. Its still to early to say if the feelings are real or I am just tricking myself into believing this is something more than it actually is. But I can say one thing…he has made me smile through all this stress and been a supportive friend (although I think he is too oblivious to know). When I am around him, I feel like I am on the top of the world. I can totally be my crazy self around him and he makes me SMILE a lot. Nothing romantic has happened and everything is in my head at the moment. But I am determined not to mess things up with him. Right now, the friendship means too much for me to throw it away. I want to make sure all my feelings for MR BIG BLUE are gone before I move on to anything else and I need to make sure its worth risking our friendship for. I don’t know if he like likes me the same way, but he knows a bit about the MR BIG BLUE situation and I know he is to decent to make a move until he knows it totally over. He is the opposite of MR BIG BLUE in every single way. I am just a little bit smitten. Gosh.

5. Oh and by the way… I lost my appetite. I don’t know whether its all the stress from CRAZY CAT LADY or whether its love sickness or pure craziness? YOU. TELL. ME.

crush
Am I reading to much into a little bit of smiling ?

OK guys, there is my uber quick update so now over to you … give me your thoughts.

How should I handle the Crazy Cat Lady situation? How do I deal with seeing MR BIG BLUE again so much sooner than I was prepared for? Do you think I am crushing on this new guy as a rebound thing? Am I crazy to go from crying our MR BIG BLUE to being smitten over someone new so soon? Do you think I am misreading signals from someone who is a good friend as something more when its not? Have you ever lost your appetite over stress or over a potential love interest? Share your experiences and distract me from my stress.

Till I return from my weekend of STRESS.

Lots of love my sweeties,

Cinders x o x o

Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 3

My minds not in any space to be blogging about anything too taxing. I am dealing with more drama from Crazy Cat Lady…drama that I don’t need. I just wish these jerk estate agents would sort everything out so that I can just move into the castle and away from CCL and this never-ending drama. I am also in a strop because none of you read or commented on me Surviving Valentine’s Weekend – I need the ego boost.

So here is the next part of that ever-so-long unfinished letter to MR BIG BLUE….

Sadly, my letter to MR BIG BLUE was unfinished so it never got sealed with a kiss :(
Sadly, my letter to MR BIG BLUE was unfinished so it never got sealed with a kiss 😦

Fresh starts. Everyone wants them. But maybe in this situation we can make our very own fresh start without anyone new. I get it MR BIG BLUE, initiation, a new a new, India, new life with a new love – all perfect and new right now but everything gets old eventually.

You keep saying we are broken, but I don’t see it that way. The way I see it, we have cracks. Cracks either get wider or they get fixed. I know that with our determination and love can mend these things. Ask yourself why antiques are so valuable, despite all the cracks and scratches? It’s because they are full of history and they have a story – which is what we have. Something that no one can take away from us is history – It happened, the good, the bad, the ugly and the fun times – it all happened and no amount of fresh starts can change that.

And what’s to say we can’t have a fresh start of our very own? A new life. After initiation you go to India. Come back. New house. Close to the temple. Cooking together. Learning and growing. Maybe another feathered friend. Maybe a puppy. The most beautiful babies in the world and teaching them about the world and protecting them from all the bad things. Just give it a chance.

Through all this one of things that someone said and that sticks with me is that people think that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it isn’t. The grass is actually greener where we water it and that’s what can do/were doing I thought. That way we don’t just green grass but we get flowers too. Sounds stupid but you get the point right?

I’m not saying being with me is going to be easy. But we are best friends and we’ve always looked out for each other and I know you need to be more serious after initiation. I understand that. Just give me a chance to learn what my role needs to be to support you. You know I can do. I know how to check a person (to the extent of stalking – hehe)

If you go to India, just be safe and come back to us in one piece. I heard that things got tough for you at the temple and there were some objections to you getting initiation. You know I would have supported you and been a friend. You didn’t need to push me away because you found someone better or not. Regardless of whether I agreed wholeheartedly with Krishna Consciousness or not, I would always make a plan to support you in the things that made you happy. I always came to your songs during kartik and I tried to do little things to make it easier for you. Sorry it wasn’t enough – I guess sometimes we could do more.

If I could tell you what I really though without being nasty … that would be good. To start, I don’t blame you for anything. Fact is all I care about is that you are OK. It’s not nice having people talk about you   but just realise they will especially in a small community like this. Beyond all the gossipers you have to realise there are good people. People who care about you, and believe it or not care about me too. Don’t push them away.

***

fixing old relationship
Something MR BIG BLUE once sent me…I wish he had truly believed it because I do 😦

So there you have it folks. The end of the Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE. That’s where it ends. Now it’s your turn…please do comment because it will serve to improve my mood significantly.

Do you ever think there are relationships that are beyond repair? When should a hopeless romantic give up on a relationship? Do you think it’s better to go for something shiny and new like MR BIG BLUE is or work on fixing something that’s a little damaged but has a long history? For future reference, would you say that if I see something that I guy and I don’t gel on do you think I should run away or stay and work on it like I did here with MR BIG BLUE?

Would love love love to hear your thoughts.

Till the next time when I will hopefully have more of a smile of my dial.

Cinders x o x o

High School Politics – The Late 20s and 30s Edition

If you were expecting a post on the boring MR BIG BLUE situation. Guess again. Today, Cinders is going to tell you about some other matters that have totally been distracting her from the whole MR BIG BLUE situation. And although its all absolutely stupid I think its good for me, especially with Valentines Day fast approaching. So…remember Crazy Cat Lady and Tatyana (who got a very brief mention in this post)? Well, they’ve been fighting like cats and dogs (no pun intended)! Over what I hear you ask? Who the hell knows ! Its like we’ve time traveled back to our high school days. The worst thing is I am the mutual friend trying to deal with the situation diplomatically. Totally stuck in the middle.

Lets start by giving you some information of the warring parties. Well, Crazy Cat Lady really needs know introduction. You all heard about her in the last post and I think many people agreed that she was a little depressed. One of the things I was doing to try and help her move forward in her life is to introduce her to new people (not necessary date worthy men) but just friends. I thought that being around people more (and cats less) would help her see that the world is not such a horrible place. One of the many people I introduced her to was a good drinking buddy of mine, namely Tatyana. Now Tatyana (from Eastern Europe obviously) is a fun time party girl, shes loud and proud (which can come across as obnoxious sometimes) but she serves the purpose of lifting a person’s spirit and making the laugh. Sound like a match made in heaven or recipe for disaster? You tell me my cherubs 😉

Cat Fight !! - Crazy Cat Lady vs. Tatyana
Cat Fight !! – Crazy Cat Lady vs. Tatyana

Anyway lets now fast forward a bit to the incident itself .It all kicks of on Friday night (but I think the build ups been going on for months). We were all due to meet for after work drinks. I told them I was going to be a little late as I would go to a yoga class (no not with the Yogic Banker 😉 ). When I arrived at the pub, you could cut the tension with a knife. These along with Dr.Sparkle were ready to kill each other. The atmosphere was bad. Then the girls started bickering about silly things. Like the fact that Tatyana hadn’t invited Crazy Cat Lady to a house party (CCL doesn’t really like drinking alcohol and always wants to rush back to her kitties) and that Crazy Cat Lady kept zoning out of the conversation and when she was asked why she said you people are boring (to which Tatyana asked why she choose to hang out with boring people). Anyways, the argument ended with CCL storming off home to her cats. We were left a bit stunned by her behaviour but Tatyana, Dr Sparkle and I decided to carry on the evening as a threesome and we ended up joining some others for a house party. All in all a pretty decent night out with a few Facebook anecdotes to match.

The morning after the night before…I decided that some time had passed so I would contact CCL to find out if she was OK and what had happened. She said she was very disappointed in me and that she felt that I had chosen Tatyana over her. She said that all I wanted to do these days was party and drink and that she felt there was no place for a sober minded friend like her. I said that was not the case, I told her I cared about her and that I didn’t understand why she had let the tension get to such a point. She said Tatyana had no life experience and it irritated her how care-free this girl was (just bear in mind Tatyana is 10 years younger than CCL). I told her if she hadn’t liked Tatyana then she could have created distance between them so she wouldn’t have to put herself in such positions.

According to CCL’s theory, Tatyana was jealous of the friendship CCL and I had shared and wanted to sabotage it. She said that Tatyana had purposefully used the time that I was at the yoga class to attack her and make her feel isolated. She said Tatyana and I were always posting pictures of us having fun on Facebook and that was making her feel bad. (High School issues I told you). Basically, Tatyana (and Dr. Sparkle) were stealing away from her. I tried to see thinks from her point of view. Maybe I had actually been spending too much time with Tatyana (especially since MR BIG BLUE had left). Maybe Tatyana had been a good distraction for me – someone to take my mind of MR BIG BLUE and the fact that I still miss him. Maybe I had focused a new, fun friendship at the expense of my good all buddy CCL. 😦

mean girls
Mean Girls – Will we ever out grow High School Politics?

So folks, I’ve given you the bare bones of the story so please feel free to ask questions and make comments in the space below….Do you think its crazy that grown women in the late 20s and 30s can fight over such trivial issues? Do you think its wrong that I’ve started going out with Tatyana since MR BIG BLUE jetted off? Do you think I am using this light-hearted friendship as a way of running away from my issues? Is it OK to have some fun-time friends that are only there for the parties and the fun times? Do you think I was too forceful in trying to help Crazy Cat Lady get out and about? And finally do you have any similar experiences to share and will the high school politics ever end?

Till the next episode of my drama-filled life my darlings

LOVE from Cinders x o x o

Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 1

I am a contradiction right now.  Forgive me. I promised some of you I would stop waffling on about MR BIG BLUE and in same breathe I said to others that I would offer a few more positive insights into the man so you might be able to understand while I love him. Well, I am not doing either in this post. I am just going to present you with a letter I started to write to him at the end of last year. Basically I wrote this when I had turned up to the temple to fight for my relationship and then found MR BIG BLUE was being uber defensive and not talking to me in any proper way. So here goes (please don’t hate me…)

Writing - My Solace during Tough Times.
Writing – My Solace during Tough Times.

***

Dear MR BIG BLUE

i am writing this letter because I am not coping so well and I though I should go back to what I used to do at the beginning when life getting a bit much for me. I don’t really where to start because firstly I doubt you will ever read this and secondly there is just so much to so I need to try and put it down in some logical order.

Anyway lets start with the obvious…I LOVE YOU. Always have and always will. You are my first, last and only true love. How do I know this? How can I make such a sweeping statement? I because of the type of person I am. I feel in love when I met you and its a feeling I can’t even begin to articulate. I am not the kind of girl that can jump around from one guy to the next. I can’t say the thought hasn’t ever crossed my mind but I can say that even if it were possible, it wouldn’t be real. It would just be a robot going through the motions…at the end of day its you has my heart and soul – for this life and every lifetime after this and before (well, you know what I mean).

So I know our relationship was not conventional. If things were different we would have done things in a more decent and proper way. We wouldn’t have been so crazy as to fall in love so fast and move in together so soon. That was probably the first big mistake we made. But then again we had no other option in the circumstances. We were very young and immature (I was for sure) and its easy to look back with 20/20 hindsight and see everything we could have done differently.

You said in one message that there are mistakes we can’t live with and the cheat was too much. But really it was a blip, I know I kept bringing it up with all the emails I was receiving from the Other Women and then her pitching up back here. But that was all my fault, my stupidity and insecurities, me wanting someone else to be hurt for all this that happened and wanting you to fight for me. Stupid, stupid fairy tale stuff, I guess. But if I had any intelligence in my stupid skull, I would have stopped dwelling on things and listened to what Marigold said when he told it was totally possible to move on from this and what happened didn’t undermine the relationship we had already built.He said it was just what happiness when material life gets in the way. He was right. I wish I’d listened. I mean really, really listened and acted on his advice. Gone for hypnosis or whatever and stopped holding a grudge. If I had another chance I would have listened. Really, really I would….

***

no regrets
And there were so many times MR BIG BLUE did make me smile and still does 🙂

Its a really long letter and I still have more to type up. But I am going to stop there and ask for your opinions. Just bear in mind that this was written a long time ago. My perspectives have changed a little since then so I am not blaming myself as much for the failure of our relationship.

Is it normal to have regrets? Can people every truly get over being cheated on, like the Marigold told me? Do you think us rushing into this relationship was a major cause its downfall? Do you think Cinders is naive?

Looking forward to hearing what you have to say on the beginning of my Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE. I hope you figured from the fact that it is unfinished that I never sent it. I won’t send it because now my attitudes have changed. If anything I will write a new one from scratch because my mind was all over the place when I started jotting this down.

 Till next time beautiful people,

LOVE Cinders x o x o