Acceptance – The FINAL Revelation

I have finally accepted it is over with MR BIG BLUE and there is no chance we will ever get back together EVER.

After speaking to his mum last week things were a lot clearer. Even the people that were supposed to be on his side were telling me to walk away.

Following my reunion with MR BIG BLUE last week when I told him about the rumours that were going around and encouraged to fight them, the Oracle phoned me and said that they wanted to hold a meeting at the Hare Krishna temple and they wanted to confront the situation to see if MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita to get his initiation.  As it was accusations from the Other Women had got this thing started in the first place they want the meeting to be between MR BIG BLUE, the Other Women, the Oracle, the head of the temple and me.

I told MR BIG BLUE that I had been asked to attend the meeting. At first he seemed quite shocked and said he didn’t want me to be there because he was afraid the other parties would want to hurt me. I told him I was already hurt by what had been said so far and I would just rather have the truth. There was a long silence then. He then contacted me saying he thinks I should attend the meeting and we could fight together as I team and I would just need to back him up and say we had only been friends for the past two years (yeah right – I think by this stage even this idiot had begun to believe his own lies). He told me I would do it if I was his real friend (blackmail?!). I played along.

Then I emailed the Marigold – a very senior figure that MR BIG BLUE looks up to. I told him about the rumours, the meeting and the awkward position I was put being. He responded to my very detailed email with this short message:

Thank you for the message.

MR BIG BLUE has told me that he and the Divorcee are serious about their relationship, and want to go ahead together.

Certainly you should just be open and straightforward when the meeting happens. You have nothing to lose by being honest.

So there it was in black and white. It was no longer just a rumour. MR BIG BLUE had gone and confided in a person who he values over anyone in his family. It was true.

Despite all MR BIG BLUE’S statements, the Marigold knew the truth. Only a few months he had spoken to me about getting married to MR BIG BLUE. So he knew we weren’t just friends. All these lies. What a messed up situation. It took a while to settle in. I slept on it. But it was now there, out in the open.

acceptance
Acceptance – Finally !

The next day I visited the Hare Krishna temple to speak with the Oracle. I had already arranged to meet him to discuss what would and wouldn’t be said in the meeting. As soon as I met him I told him that it was over between MR BIG BLUE and I. There you go. I said it, old loud, for the first. It was OVER. We were no longer on a break. We were no longer a grey area. There was not a chance in hell we would be getting back together. It was well and truly OVER. I had accepted it. Totally 100%.

Talking to the Oracle always makes things seem better. At first he seemed disappointed that things had finished as he had always been a supporter of our relationship. I explained the position I was in. He suggested maybe I didn’t come to the meeting. That way I wouldn’t be forced to lie. This seemed like a pretty good idea. I just needed to consider how MR BIG BLUE would take it (not that it should really matter after everything he had put me through). The Oracle also said that there had been a purpose for me in all this drama. He said that MR BIG BLUE had brought me to Krishna and there was something good in that. The Oracle also took my hand and looked at the lines. He said there was another relationship on the horizon (well in about 4 years) and he said that would be the man I’d marry. I don’t know how much I believe him but it was nice to be given some hope. He also said that there was a lesson here and I needed to make better choices…with my head, rather than my heart. He said that he could tell I was a person of high-moral character and I should look for someone I could respect rather than someone I needed to fix.

hope
HOPE – Thanks to the Oracle for giving me a little bit of HOPE for the future. Just need the pain to end now.

So there you have it. Acceptance.

So do you think this is a turning point for me? Do you think I’ve finally accepted things are over with MR BIG BLUE? Do you think I am being a coward by not going to a meeting where I could completely destroy MR BIG BLUE and bring down all his lies? Or do you think I am right to walk away from this now and let MR BIG BLUE get on with his own sordid little life with the Divorcee? What do you think about the hope given to me by the Oracle? Is it worth believing that there is still somewhere waiting for me to come along?

Look forward to hearing what y’all have to say.

LOVE Cinders x o x o

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The Sounds of Heartbreak – A Mother’s Love

So for a long time readers of this blog have been telling me to come clean to my family and friends about the Mr BIG BLUE situation and to stop protecting him. Yesterday, I took the first step.

MR BIG BLUE’S Mum contacted me as she had received some messages from him saying that he was struggling and needed help and unconditional love from his family. Hearing those messages broke my heart because he did have unconditional love from me but he was willing to give that up for the Divorcee, a more lavish lifestyle with a cookie-cutter Hare Krishna girl.

His mum was asking me what was going on and when I’d last seen him. I finally buckled. I just opened up to her. I told her things weren’t so good. I said that I saw him on Monday and we talked and I couldn’t figure out what was going on with him. I told her that as far as I knew he wasn’t living at the Hare Krishna temple anymore but nobody knew where he was. I explained that he had been cagey and she agreed he was acting out of character.

secret sharing

She kept asking me questions about how he got the money to go to India (he hasn’t been working for over two years now). She asked me why he came back so soon (nobody really knows but I am sure the Divorcee had something to do with it). I didn’t have the answers she was looking for… I wanted her help and I couldn’t keep the information to myself anymore. So I told her.

I told her I had my suspicions about him being involved with someone else and that there were rumours going around at the temple. I told her I had a inclining about who it was. I provided her with a name, age, religious inclination (oh and I provided her with the small token bitchy bit of information that the divorcee was one of those girls who were married and divorced by the age of 32 😉 ). I told her I hadn’t got any concrete evidence yet but my gut was telling me something. I explained how MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita about him and I just being good friends. And how he had portrayed me to people at the temple as a crazed ex-girlfriend who couldn’t get over him (for 2 years). I also told her about the Other Women.

She was angry. She told me that I shouldn’t let him manipulate. She phoned him and asked him straight what was going on. He was still cagey with her. Then she asked him how things were going with me and he replied we were really great friends as always. This made her crazy mad. She told me she was hurt because she’d thought they had trained him better than this and she was upset at the way he’d treated me. Hearing her say this broke my heart. I told her not to blame herself for any of this and that the reason I fell in love with MR BIG BLUE was because he was brought up to be a gentleman. I said that if I blamed anyone for this change in his behaviour it would be the Hare Krishna’s and not his folks. She said that as far as his father and she were concerned I had always been the right one for their son and that they saw that while he did try and manipulate me at times, they knew I was strong and independent enough to handle him. She said that he was the loser in all of this and that his family would be there for me if ever I needed anything.

Seeing his Mother so upset broke my heart. Knowing that she was such a good person that she’d protect me over her own son meant the world to me. She is truly amazing and I will love her forever for being the first person who shared this burden with me. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Breakup Family
Does he have a point?

So over to y’all now… Do you think it was a step forward that I told someone what had truly happened? Or have I just served to hurt another innocent person? How important is family approval to the success of a relationship? Have I possibly ruined the chances of the Divorcee being welcomed into this amazing family (where she does not deserve to be in my humble opinion)? What do you do when a relationship and break-up goes beyond just two people? How do you say goodbye to a family that you have grown to love and still care about?

As usual I really do need your thoughts and good vibes right now, more than ever. Please comment and offer your much-needed pearls of wisdom. You will make my day.

Till a better day (hopefully).

LOVE Cinders x o x o

Reunion with MR BIG BLUE

From the outset, I want to apologise to you all for a slightly disjointed post. I am feeling a bit all over the place. I just met up with MR BIG BLUE for the first time since he left. It was the hardest thing ever. We went and sat in the park and shared my lunch. I remembered why I loved him. Because we are best friends that can share my lunch out of a Tupperware and be totally happy. He bought me the cutest gifts from India. They might have looked tacky to everyone else but to me they were perfect. Small gifts that I know come from the heart … he and I won’t work out (I get this by now) but like me he hadn’t totally stopped caring. That’s enough for me.

Sharing my lunch - Just something only MR BIG BLUE would understand.
Sharing my lunch – Just something only MR BIG BLUE would understand.

We spoke about India. He said it was tough at times but incredible at others. We spoke about us. I told he had broken my heart. I told him the rumours that were going around at the Hare Krishna temple which naturally he denied. He blamed The Other Women and the Oracle for trying to poison me. He said his true friends would never believe what was being said. I told him that I was sad about the rumours but if they were untrue he needed to fight to clear his name. I would support him in anyway I could.

I asked him straight out if the person he mentioned as being more ‘spiritually advanced’ was the Divorcee he didn’t say anything. I encouraged him to tell me because the truth would help him but he didn’t agree. God knows why he needs to keep quiet about it. It’s certainly not to protect me. I am already hurt enough. He explained that he never told me the full extent of his affair with the Other Women because he wanted to lessen the pain I would have to feel. I also took accountability for my part in the break up. Even though I’ve portrayed him as the bad guy in this blog, I certainly wasn’t an angel.

I am coming to realise certain things. Some time ago he did love me. Maybe he still does. He still cares about me and he knows I am good person, but we both know it wouldn’t work right now. We were young and naïve, we both messed up. I’d do anything for a second chance but not him. He’d rather chance things with the Divorcee (or whoever because he won’t confirm anything) than give me a second go. He is not giving up on love, he is giving up on me.

Today, I gave him a hug and I let him go. I won’t lie I cried in the work bathrooms for quite a while as well and I keep welling up at my desk. But things will get better. They just have to. No matter what, he will always be my first love. (Maybe just not my last).

never giving up
Giving up on him (he gave up on me first) BUT not giving up on LOVE

Our paths will cross at some point I know but right now I choose to focus on me. Not changing myself for him but making myself happy again so I can attract my Prince Charming (whether that be Dr Sparkle or someone new – who knows.). Speaking of Dr Sparkle, he has been checking on me all day, but I can’t really think about that situation right now…so its baby steps.

Anyway over to y’all because I am not really in the mood to talk anymore. I’m going out with Tatyana tonight to try and cheer myself up or drown my sorrows, either way I don’t want to be alone. I am stuck in the middle of where right now and after giving back MR BIG BLUE’s car I feel totally trapped. But it’s a good thing. Closure.

So how well do you think I did? Making progress? Is he still lying to me? Do you think he is really withholding information to protect me? Do you think I told him to do the right thing and clear his name? Do you the Other Women and the Oracle could really be trying to ruin MR BIG BLUE? Why do I still feel sad and like someone went a died? What activities do y’all prescribe for getting through the next stage of this whole mess other than partying and drinking copious amounts (gosh I sound like Crazy Cat Lady)? How did y’all cope with break ups?

Today I need your good vibes and positive thoughts more than ever.

Tearful Cinders x o x o

And he’s back … And I’m so not ready

What the hell is up with MR BIG BLUE? Last week when I told him that Crazy Cat Lady kicked me out, he responds by telling me that a) I had outstayed my welcome with her and b) that he MIGHT be coming back early. Now today he messages me to say he will be back tomorrow…I’m all like WTF??!! (Although, I’m have a hunch he could have been back a while already…maybe shacked up with the divorcee or maybe he even planned on coming back at the beginning of the month as he knew that was when my house was meant to be ready… and he knows I would have given him a roof over his head if I could).

I expected him to be gone for at least 2 months. I wasn’t happy with the situation because I felt he was running away from all his issues here but I mentally prepared myself the reality that he would be gone. I expected it to be hard but I found ways to cope and friends to help me deal with the stress. I began to open up more with people. I started to find my own feet at the Hare Krishna Temple.  I felt like I was starting to make progress and be open to the fact that there were possibly better people for me out there. And then this happened!

meeting an ex again
Wouldn’t it be nice if things could be so simple ???

I’m not sure when I will see him exactly but it will definitely be at some point in the next few days.

So what do I do? I struggled to say goodbye but now I wonder if I am ready to say hello again? I was just starting to explore possible feelings I had for someone new, someone who has the potential to be truly wonderful – could seeing MR BIG BLUE just end up jeopardizing this? Without him here I began to see things for what they were…the whole situation is too messed up for me to be part of. Now with him back I am worried he will win me over someway or somehow. How do I stop this happening? Despite all his done, I don’t want to be hurtful or mean to him. How do I talk to him without getting angry or emotional? And why or why can’t I just have a stress-free weekend ever? First Crazy Cat Lady drama and now this? Am I finally getting rid of all the deadwood in my life?

Would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your thoughts. HELP !!!!

Love

Cinders x o x o

STRESS, STRESS and MORE STRESS

Just wanted to post quickly to let you all know why I’ve been a bit AWOL for the past week. Life took a turn from messed up to beyond STRESSFUL on so so many levels.

SUPER STRESS
Me – SUPER STRESSED !!!

I won’t go into too much detail but here are the main reasons.

1. Crazy Cat Lady went mental and kicked me out because I wouldn’t choose her over all of my other friends. My Castle’s transfer got delayed which pretty much makes me homeless. So this weekend I will be putting all my stuff into storage and becoming a nomad. Thankfully I have awesome friends who have stepped up and offered me their beds, couches, hammocks and floors to sleep on :).

2. Even though shes been uber mean to me I am actually seriously worried about CCL. I was her last friend standing and now she has kicked me to curb as well. I don’t know what she will do without ANY human contact whatsoever. I think she needs professional help but I am not in a position to help her. I hope that once I can get out of her place…maybe it will be easier for me to approach her.

3. MR BIG BLUE might be coming home early. I was just getting used to having this space and I thought I was using this time to become more independent but the thought of him potentially being back in less than a week truly messes things up in a huge way. He hasn’t confirmed anything yet. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

4. This shouldn’t be something stressful but its also messing with my head a little. I think I have a bit of a crush on someone. Its still to early to say if the feelings are real or I am just tricking myself into believing this is something more than it actually is. But I can say one thing…he has made me smile through all this stress and been a supportive friend (although I think he is too oblivious to know). When I am around him, I feel like I am on the top of the world. I can totally be my crazy self around him and he makes me SMILE a lot. Nothing romantic has happened and everything is in my head at the moment. But I am determined not to mess things up with him. Right now, the friendship means too much for me to throw it away. I want to make sure all my feelings for MR BIG BLUE are gone before I move on to anything else and I need to make sure its worth risking our friendship for. I don’t know if he like likes me the same way, but he knows a bit about the MR BIG BLUE situation and I know he is to decent to make a move until he knows it totally over. He is the opposite of MR BIG BLUE in every single way. I am just a little bit smitten. Gosh.

5. Oh and by the way… I lost my appetite. I don’t know whether its all the stress from CRAZY CAT LADY or whether its love sickness or pure craziness? YOU. TELL. ME.

crush
Am I reading to much into a little bit of smiling ?

OK guys, there is my uber quick update so now over to you … give me your thoughts.

How should I handle the Crazy Cat Lady situation? How do I deal with seeing MR BIG BLUE again so much sooner than I was prepared for? Do you think I am crushing on this new guy as a rebound thing? Am I crazy to go from crying our MR BIG BLUE to being smitten over someone new so soon? Do you think I am misreading signals from someone who is a good friend as something more when its not? Have you ever lost your appetite over stress or over a potential love interest? Share your experiences and distract me from my stress.

Till I return from my weekend of STRESS.

Lots of love my sweeties,

Cinders x o x o

Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 3

My minds not in any space to be blogging about anything too taxing. I am dealing with more drama from Crazy Cat Lady…drama that I don’t need. I just wish these jerk estate agents would sort everything out so that I can just move into the castle and away from CCL and this never-ending drama. I am also in a strop because none of you read or commented on me Surviving Valentine’s Weekend – I need the ego boost.

So here is the next part of that ever-so-long unfinished letter to MR BIG BLUE….

Sadly, my letter to MR BIG BLUE was unfinished so it never got sealed with a kiss :(
Sadly, my letter to MR BIG BLUE was unfinished so it never got sealed with a kiss 😦

Fresh starts. Everyone wants them. But maybe in this situation we can make our very own fresh start without anyone new. I get it MR BIG BLUE, initiation, a new a new, India, new life with a new love – all perfect and new right now but everything gets old eventually.

You keep saying we are broken, but I don’t see it that way. The way I see it, we have cracks. Cracks either get wider or they get fixed. I know that with our determination and love can mend these things. Ask yourself why antiques are so valuable, despite all the cracks and scratches? It’s because they are full of history and they have a story – which is what we have. Something that no one can take away from us is history – It happened, the good, the bad, the ugly and the fun times – it all happened and no amount of fresh starts can change that.

And what’s to say we can’t have a fresh start of our very own? A new life. After initiation you go to India. Come back. New house. Close to the temple. Cooking together. Learning and growing. Maybe another feathered friend. Maybe a puppy. The most beautiful babies in the world and teaching them about the world and protecting them from all the bad things. Just give it a chance.

Through all this one of things that someone said and that sticks with me is that people think that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it isn’t. The grass is actually greener where we water it and that’s what can do/were doing I thought. That way we don’t just green grass but we get flowers too. Sounds stupid but you get the point right?

I’m not saying being with me is going to be easy. But we are best friends and we’ve always looked out for each other and I know you need to be more serious after initiation. I understand that. Just give me a chance to learn what my role needs to be to support you. You know I can do. I know how to check a person (to the extent of stalking – hehe)

If you go to India, just be safe and come back to us in one piece. I heard that things got tough for you at the temple and there were some objections to you getting initiation. You know I would have supported you and been a friend. You didn’t need to push me away because you found someone better or not. Regardless of whether I agreed wholeheartedly with Krishna Consciousness or not, I would always make a plan to support you in the things that made you happy. I always came to your songs during kartik and I tried to do little things to make it easier for you. Sorry it wasn’t enough – I guess sometimes we could do more.

If I could tell you what I really though without being nasty … that would be good. To start, I don’t blame you for anything. Fact is all I care about is that you are OK. It’s not nice having people talk about you   but just realise they will especially in a small community like this. Beyond all the gossipers you have to realise there are good people. People who care about you, and believe it or not care about me too. Don’t push them away.

***

fixing old relationship
Something MR BIG BLUE once sent me…I wish he had truly believed it because I do 😦

So there you have it folks. The end of the Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE. That’s where it ends. Now it’s your turn…please do comment because it will serve to improve my mood significantly.

Do you ever think there are relationships that are beyond repair? When should a hopeless romantic give up on a relationship? Do you think it’s better to go for something shiny and new like MR BIG BLUE is or work on fixing something that’s a little damaged but has a long history? For future reference, would you say that if I see something that I guy and I don’t gel on do you think I should run away or stay and work on it like I did here with MR BIG BLUE?

Would love love love to hear your thoughts.

Till the next time when I will hopefully have more of a smile of my dial.

Cinders x o x o

Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 1

I am a contradiction right now.  Forgive me. I promised some of you I would stop waffling on about MR BIG BLUE and in same breathe I said to others that I would offer a few more positive insights into the man so you might be able to understand while I love him. Well, I am not doing either in this post. I am just going to present you with a letter I started to write to him at the end of last year. Basically I wrote this when I had turned up to the temple to fight for my relationship and then found MR BIG BLUE was being uber defensive and not talking to me in any proper way. So here goes (please don’t hate me…)

Writing - My Solace during Tough Times.
Writing – My Solace during Tough Times.

***

Dear MR BIG BLUE

i am writing this letter because I am not coping so well and I though I should go back to what I used to do at the beginning when life getting a bit much for me. I don’t really where to start because firstly I doubt you will ever read this and secondly there is just so much to so I need to try and put it down in some logical order.

Anyway lets start with the obvious…I LOVE YOU. Always have and always will. You are my first, last and only true love. How do I know this? How can I make such a sweeping statement? I because of the type of person I am. I feel in love when I met you and its a feeling I can’t even begin to articulate. I am not the kind of girl that can jump around from one guy to the next. I can’t say the thought hasn’t ever crossed my mind but I can say that even if it were possible, it wouldn’t be real. It would just be a robot going through the motions…at the end of day its you has my heart and soul – for this life and every lifetime after this and before (well, you know what I mean).

So I know our relationship was not conventional. If things were different we would have done things in a more decent and proper way. We wouldn’t have been so crazy as to fall in love so fast and move in together so soon. That was probably the first big mistake we made. But then again we had no other option in the circumstances. We were very young and immature (I was for sure) and its easy to look back with 20/20 hindsight and see everything we could have done differently.

You said in one message that there are mistakes we can’t live with and the cheat was too much. But really it was a blip, I know I kept bringing it up with all the emails I was receiving from the Other Women and then her pitching up back here. But that was all my fault, my stupidity and insecurities, me wanting someone else to be hurt for all this that happened and wanting you to fight for me. Stupid, stupid fairy tale stuff, I guess. But if I had any intelligence in my stupid skull, I would have stopped dwelling on things and listened to what Marigold said when he told it was totally possible to move on from this and what happened didn’t undermine the relationship we had already built.He said it was just what happiness when material life gets in the way. He was right. I wish I’d listened. I mean really, really listened and acted on his advice. Gone for hypnosis or whatever and stopped holding a grudge. If I had another chance I would have listened. Really, really I would….

***

no regrets
And there were so many times MR BIG BLUE did make me smile and still does 🙂

Its a really long letter and I still have more to type up. But I am going to stop there and ask for your opinions. Just bear in mind that this was written a long time ago. My perspectives have changed a little since then so I am not blaming myself as much for the failure of our relationship.

Is it normal to have regrets? Can people every truly get over being cheated on, like the Marigold told me? Do you think us rushing into this relationship was a major cause its downfall? Do you think Cinders is naive?

Looking forward to hearing what you have to say on the beginning of my Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE. I hope you figured from the fact that it is unfinished that I never sent it. I won’t send it because now my attitudes have changed. If anything I will write a new one from scratch because my mind was all over the place when I started jotting this down.

 Till next time beautiful people,

LOVE Cinders x o x o

And he’s off…Bye Bye MR BIG BLUE

MR BIG BLUE is leaving today. He is off to India on his voyage of self-discovery. I’ve timed it so that by the time you guys read this MR BIG BLUE’S should have taken off. I wish I could be at the airport to see him off but he said no and I respected his wishes.

The final goodbye was relatively quick and painless. I gave him a care package with a few things to keep him going on his travels. He hasn’t travelled much before and he gets anxious so I just wanted to do something to show him I cared and that I was proud of him for taking this step.

Because of all the recent drama he has managed to push aside lots of the people that truly know him and care about him like his family and good friends. He has isolated himself and becomes very defensive when anyone asks him what is going on. I wanted to remind him that these are the people that care about him regardless and that their love is unconditional.

I want the little gifts and photos to make him smile if he ever feels down when he is away. The thought of him being sad, scared and alone in India upsets me and I just want him to know that I care. I also wanted him to remind him that there is a lot here for him to come back to when he is ready.

Flying away into the sunset
There he goes…

I gave him the gifts. He gave me his car (not really a fair swap right?!). I am just looking after it for him while he is away. My new friend, Mystic Ninja, (I will tell you how she miraculously arrived in my life in a future post) says that him giving me his car is a sign. She said that it shows he cares and wants me to be looked after and maybe that this is him telling me to wait. I don’t know whether this is true. But to me it does mean something.

Last year when I had to move house MR BIG BLUE was my rock. In fact every time we moved from place to place he was amazing. He always made the process easier and took charge of the situation. Moving house really is one of the most stressful experiences for me and again it is something that will be happening next month. This time I will have to do the move alone without MR BIG BLUE here to hold my hand…so it’s time for Cinders to grow up. But the fact that he gave me his car is kind of like him saying: ‘Cinders, I am still here for you making the move that little bit easier’. But maybe that’s just me being hopelessly romantic as per usual.

hope
Is there really?

Anyway that was the pretty un-epic goodbye. He will be at the airport now. Part of me still wishes I had the guts to just turn up there…but then again this isn’t a Hollywood movie. It would most likely end in disaster. What’s done is done now, I guess.  He is probably already through passport control now. Now it’s officially the start of our time apart.

What are your thoughts on our goodbye? Do you think me giving him a gift was too much? What do you think about him loaning me his car? Is it just a friendly gesture or something more?  Am I silly to read into it? Do you think I should have pitched up at the airport? Or was I right to stay away?

Please please please keep reading and commenting. I really do appreciate your advice 🙂

Till we meet again.

Lots of LOVE Cinders x o x o

How do I say goodbye?

I know I haven’t fully filled you in on the background story as yet and I promise I will go back and literally tell you everything but I have a hectic weekend ahead of me and I need to talk about that right now.

MR BIG BLUE is off to India on Monday. This is his last weekend in the city. I probably get to see him one more time before he leaves. I am anxious about it. It feels like it’s one last opportunity to leave a lasting impression on him before he goes.

I hope so ...
I hope so …

I don’t want to use this time to confront him about the divorcee or tell him that he broke my heart. I don’t want to yell at him, embarrass him or make a scene. I know he gets anxiety when he travels and I don’t want to make things worse for him. I don’t want him to leave with a bad impression of me.

He came to see me at work on Wednesday. He needed to pick up some stuff from me. That’s the real reason why he came, I know it. But we were civilised. We talked about his trip. We talked about me moving into my own house (something I always thought we’d do together). I asked him whether he needed me to take him to the airport, he said no he was sorted (I guess the Divorcee will be doing that job). So I just told him to be safe, keep in touch and let me know if he needed absolutely anything. He hugged me and hugged me and hugged me and he didn’t let go. I could tell he was sad. I was too. I tried to hold things together but its hard around him because he has already seen me cry so many times. I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me back. I think he meant it, I certainly did. I kissed MR BIG BLUE on his forehead (he always did that to me because he said it would make me feel safe) and then I said goodbye. Well, I said we would probably see each other again on Sunday before he left, but that probably the last time we’d be probably be alone together.

So Sunday is fast approaching. I don’t know in what circumstances we will say goodbye. All I know is that I told him that I have a care package for him to take with. I’ve got some of his favourite things, some photos and bits and pieces to remind him of home. As much as I have made him out to be the devil. He is not. This is a huge step for him and deep down I am proud of him. I want him to know that. I want him to feel loved. Even though he has isolated himself from lots of people who care about him. I need him to know that I am there for him no matter what. That whether we end up together or not I will always be grateful he came into my life and I will always be there to pick up the pieces. I am going to try my best to hold it together and say goodbye like a lady. Because as MR BIG BLUE’S mother once told me if you love somebody you let them go and know that if it is meant to be they’ll come back to you. I really hope he does come back to me in any which way and in any capacity, as long as he is safe I can rest easy.

So my dear readers…what do you have to say? Do you think I am approaching the situation correctly? Have you ever had to say a hard goodbye? How did you handle it? Please do share you experiences in the comments below.

Thank you for all your support. It really means the world to me right now.

Till next time me sugar plum fairies,

LOVE Cinders x o x o