A Meeting With Marigold

marigold
A Meeting with the Marigold – Cinders the Butterfuly

This is a hard story to tell. Despite all my partying and crazy antics, I  have incredibly anxious and worried about MR BIG BLUE. Since he sent me those messages saying he took pain pills because he can’t deal with reality and because his head and heart hurt, I have been stressing. MR BIG BLUE has suicidal tendencies, its something that I know about. And after half a decade with someone you know when things aren’t right. I worry that all his stupid lies are getting on top of him and eventually the pressure might force him to do something absolutely stupid.

Seeing that the Divorcee basically stopped MR BIG BLUE and I from corresponding with one another (I am pretty sure she regularly checks his messages), now our contact has been limited. I felt that he was finally opening up to me but now that EVIL WITCH has put a stop to that because of her jealousy. As far as I am concerned if MR BIG BLUE does anything to harm himself, it will be on her head now.

I was starting to feel helpless and I didn’t feel like I could tackle this problem alone so I ended up speaking to MR BIG BLUE’s mother about it. Her response to his crazy behavior has always been tough love. But in this case I was asking her to show him some REAL love, because that was what he needed. But all she had to say was that I needed to be careful because he was trying to manipulate me because he knows I have a soft spot for him. I love that she cares about me and is more worried about the fact that her son could hurt me. But right now, I wanted her to care about him. I wanted her to call him and check on him because I couldn’t.

The fact that his mum was so blase about it all, just made me even more anxious. I felt I needed to find someone else, someone who might help so i spoke to the Oracle. Thankfully, he was willing to take my concerns a little more seriously. He said, that we need to listen to MR BIG BLUE’s cries for help. He said he would do his best to make contact with MR BIG BLUE and invite him back to the temple and tell him that whats happened and the bad blood isn’t important. When he did this MR BIG BLUE replied in a very defensive manner saying that he was planning court action against the Oracle and the Other Women for defamation of character (yep, he is really nuts in the head)

Anyway the Oracle also suggested I have a meeting to with The Marigold  as maybe he was the only person left who could get through to MR BIG BLUE. I wasn’t overly keen to get more people involved in this mess but I agreed to the meeting on two conditions 1. that the Oracle would be there to back me up and 2. that MR BIG BLUE would never find out that I went to speak to the The Marigold. The Oracle promised that this could be sorted and said he would set it all up. At one point, I almost pulled out of going to the meeting because it seemed that MR BIG BLUE was always hanging out at the temple and around the Marigold so it would be hard for me to get to the meeting without being seen. In the end the Oracle and the Other Women devised a plan to help me.

I opened my heart to the Marigold and told him about my worries especially the fact that MR BIG BLUE was isolating himself from his family and all the people that care for him. I explained that while I no longer saw a future for the two of us, I still cared for MR BIG BLUE and didn’t want to see him hurt. The Oracle back me up by saying that MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee were living together and sneaking around, lying about their relationship and basically living in sin (a big no no in the HK movement). Then the Marigold revealed something to us apparently MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee (read the Divorcee because MBB has no money) are buying a flat together in India. Things just go from bad to worse. It seems that even though her money can buy him everything his heart desires he still feels the need to message me about his suicidal issues. What a total joke.

Anyway, about three weeks has passed since this meeting now and I am over it all. Tell me what you think about all this stupidity? What do you think the next revelation we can expect from our darling MR BIG BLUE? An illegitimate baby perhaps?

I promise the next post will be a little more perky.

LOVE always,

Cinders x o x o

One Step Forward…Two Million Steps Back

Despite all the criticism you guys have thrown at me recently I think my last couple of posts have been a break from the norm. For one thing, I didn’t mention HIM. And there I was actually enjoying my life again – spending time with friends, crushing on Dr.Sparkle, even kissing JSWIPE. I started to feel like I was making progress. I was beginning to think things were getting easier, that maybe one day I would wake up and MR BIG BLUE would not be the first person that popped into my head.

one step forward, two steps back
Really? It doesn’t feel like progress.

And then kind of out of nowhere he rears his ugly (actually its quite pretty) head. A couple of days ago I got a message from MR BIG BLUE. He was telling me he is feeling all down in the dumps. He says there is no purpose for him here. That he is useless and has no place in the material world. He says he wants to go back to India. He says the Hare Krishna temple is no longer his safe haven because of the rumours people have spread about him. He says the Oracle and the Other Women have ruined his life. His says life has to be a big fat secret. He told me he was sorry he let me down.

My immediate thoughts were ‘well, it seems like there is trouble in paradise’.  And I have to admit, there was part of me that was a little bit happy because a) after what he had put me through I thought he deserved a little taste of his own medicine and b) I was thinking so you left me to pursue happiness with that thing (The Divorcee)…so much for happily ever after, hey?. I wanted to ask him how this relationship was expected to survive when it was all based on lies.Part of me wanted to say I told you so, see the grass is not greener over there on the richer side of town. But I didn’t.

I felt sorry for him. I still see him as a little blond haired, blue eyed boy. I just wanted to be close to him so I could give him a cuddle and tell him that he was loved by me (yes, sad to say it but there is a little part of my heart that cares about him) and also by his family. I wanted to tell him, that we could sort through everything and that I was here for him. I wanted to shake him and say what the hell are you doing? Come back to me, the girl who has loved you no matter what! I wanted to tell him that she is forcing him to hide their relationship to protect her own reputation, while he isolates himself from the people that actually care. But it wasn’t my place to say any of that. So I didn’t.

Instead I told him to cheer up. I told him things would get better. I said if he wanted to go to the temple, then he’d have to face the rumours and put things right. I made him laugh, the way we used to laugh together. (He said I had a unique sense of humour, that no one could take away). I told him, I was his friend. Best friend. Always. I told him that I loved him and that I understood. I said he should reach out to his family. I also let him know I wasn’t stupid and that I knew more than the thought I did. I said I would help out if he gave me the chance. I really don’t understand why I still care.

So how do think I handled it? Why do I still care? Why can’t I switch my feelings off? Am I really making any progress at all by going on these dates? Or am I just finding myself attracted to slightly bad boys like JSWIPE as a distraction? Will I really ever get over my first love?

P.S. As a side note. Apparently, the Mad Man (Divorcee’s not quite ex-husband) apparently pitched at her house with the police to fetch his stuff. He found her there with MR BIG BLUE. He wasn’t pleased (naturally). He went to the temple and made a huge scene about it. Crazy. Crazy. I’m glad I’m staying away from all the drama now.

Be kind. Cheer me up today. I need it.

Cinders x o x o

Acceptance – The FINAL Revelation

I have finally accepted it is over with MR BIG BLUE and there is no chance we will ever get back together EVER.

After speaking to his mum last week things were a lot clearer. Even the people that were supposed to be on his side were telling me to walk away.

Following my reunion with MR BIG BLUE last week when I told him about the rumours that were going around and encouraged to fight them, the Oracle phoned me and said that they wanted to hold a meeting at the Hare Krishna temple and they wanted to confront the situation to see if MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita to get his initiation.  As it was accusations from the Other Women had got this thing started in the first place they want the meeting to be between MR BIG BLUE, the Other Women, the Oracle, the head of the temple and me.

I told MR BIG BLUE that I had been asked to attend the meeting. At first he seemed quite shocked and said he didn’t want me to be there because he was afraid the other parties would want to hurt me. I told him I was already hurt by what had been said so far and I would just rather have the truth. There was a long silence then. He then contacted me saying he thinks I should attend the meeting and we could fight together as I team and I would just need to back him up and say we had only been friends for the past two years (yeah right – I think by this stage even this idiot had begun to believe his own lies). He told me I would do it if I was his real friend (blackmail?!). I played along.

Then I emailed the Marigold – a very senior figure that MR BIG BLUE looks up to. I told him about the rumours, the meeting and the awkward position I was put being. He responded to my very detailed email with this short message:

Thank you for the message.

MR BIG BLUE has told me that he and the Divorcee are serious about their relationship, and want to go ahead together.

Certainly you should just be open and straightforward when the meeting happens. You have nothing to lose by being honest.

So there it was in black and white. It was no longer just a rumour. MR BIG BLUE had gone and confided in a person who he values over anyone in his family. It was true.

Despite all MR BIG BLUE’S statements, the Marigold knew the truth. Only a few months he had spoken to me about getting married to MR BIG BLUE. So he knew we weren’t just friends. All these lies. What a messed up situation. It took a while to settle in. I slept on it. But it was now there, out in the open.

acceptance
Acceptance – Finally !

The next day I visited the Hare Krishna temple to speak with the Oracle. I had already arranged to meet him to discuss what would and wouldn’t be said in the meeting. As soon as I met him I told him that it was over between MR BIG BLUE and I. There you go. I said it, old loud, for the first. It was OVER. We were no longer on a break. We were no longer a grey area. There was not a chance in hell we would be getting back together. It was well and truly OVER. I had accepted it. Totally 100%.

Talking to the Oracle always makes things seem better. At first he seemed disappointed that things had finished as he had always been a supporter of our relationship. I explained the position I was in. He suggested maybe I didn’t come to the meeting. That way I wouldn’t be forced to lie. This seemed like a pretty good idea. I just needed to consider how MR BIG BLUE would take it (not that it should really matter after everything he had put me through). The Oracle also said that there had been a purpose for me in all this drama. He said that MR BIG BLUE had brought me to Krishna and there was something good in that. The Oracle also took my hand and looked at the lines. He said there was another relationship on the horizon (well in about 4 years) and he said that would be the man I’d marry. I don’t know how much I believe him but it was nice to be given some hope. He also said that there was a lesson here and I needed to make better choices…with my head, rather than my heart. He said that he could tell I was a person of high-moral character and I should look for someone I could respect rather than someone I needed to fix.

hope
HOPE – Thanks to the Oracle for giving me a little bit of HOPE for the future. Just need the pain to end now.

So there you have it. Acceptance.

So do you think this is a turning point for me? Do you think I’ve finally accepted things are over with MR BIG BLUE? Do you think I am being a coward by not going to a meeting where I could completely destroy MR BIG BLUE and bring down all his lies? Or do you think I am right to walk away from this now and let MR BIG BLUE get on with his own sordid little life with the Divorcee? What do you think about the hope given to me by the Oracle? Is it worth believing that there is still somewhere waiting for me to come along?

Look forward to hearing what y’all have to say.

LOVE Cinders x o x o

The Sounds of Heartbreak – A Mother’s Love

So for a long time readers of this blog have been telling me to come clean to my family and friends about the Mr BIG BLUE situation and to stop protecting him. Yesterday, I took the first step.

MR BIG BLUE’S Mum contacted me as she had received some messages from him saying that he was struggling and needed help and unconditional love from his family. Hearing those messages broke my heart because he did have unconditional love from me but he was willing to give that up for the Divorcee, a more lavish lifestyle with a cookie-cutter Hare Krishna girl.

His mum was asking me what was going on and when I’d last seen him. I finally buckled. I just opened up to her. I told her things weren’t so good. I said that I saw him on Monday and we talked and I couldn’t figure out what was going on with him. I told her that as far as I knew he wasn’t living at the Hare Krishna temple anymore but nobody knew where he was. I explained that he had been cagey and she agreed he was acting out of character.

secret sharing

She kept asking me questions about how he got the money to go to India (he hasn’t been working for over two years now). She asked me why he came back so soon (nobody really knows but I am sure the Divorcee had something to do with it). I didn’t have the answers she was looking for… I wanted her help and I couldn’t keep the information to myself anymore. So I told her.

I told her I had my suspicions about him being involved with someone else and that there were rumours going around at the temple. I told her I had a inclining about who it was. I provided her with a name, age, religious inclination (oh and I provided her with the small token bitchy bit of information that the divorcee was one of those girls who were married and divorced by the age of 32 😉 ). I told her I hadn’t got any concrete evidence yet but my gut was telling me something. I explained how MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita about him and I just being good friends. And how he had portrayed me to people at the temple as a crazed ex-girlfriend who couldn’t get over him (for 2 years). I also told her about the Other Women.

She was angry. She told me that I shouldn’t let him manipulate. She phoned him and asked him straight what was going on. He was still cagey with her. Then she asked him how things were going with me and he replied we were really great friends as always. This made her crazy mad. She told me she was hurt because she’d thought they had trained him better than this and she was upset at the way he’d treated me. Hearing her say this broke my heart. I told her not to blame herself for any of this and that the reason I fell in love with MR BIG BLUE was because he was brought up to be a gentleman. I said that if I blamed anyone for this change in his behaviour it would be the Hare Krishna’s and not his folks. She said that as far as his father and she were concerned I had always been the right one for their son and that they saw that while he did try and manipulate me at times, they knew I was strong and independent enough to handle him. She said that he was the loser in all of this and that his family would be there for me if ever I needed anything.

Seeing his Mother so upset broke my heart. Knowing that she was such a good person that she’d protect me over her own son meant the world to me. She is truly amazing and I will love her forever for being the first person who shared this burden with me. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Breakup Family
Does he have a point?

So over to y’all now… Do you think it was a step forward that I told someone what had truly happened? Or have I just served to hurt another innocent person? How important is family approval to the success of a relationship? Have I possibly ruined the chances of the Divorcee being welcomed into this amazing family (where she does not deserve to be in my humble opinion)? What do you do when a relationship and break-up goes beyond just two people? How do you say goodbye to a family that you have grown to love and still care about?

As usual I really do need your thoughts and good vibes right now, more than ever. Please comment and offer your much-needed pearls of wisdom. You will make my day.

Till a better day (hopefully).

LOVE Cinders x o x o

Can a relationship ever survive if its built on a foundation of lies ?

Don’t hate me for writing the post. I know it makes me sound likes the jilted ex but these thoughts keep swirling around in my mind and I want to hear your take on it. I’d love to get some conversation and debate going on here. I mentioned to some of you that I’d like to write a book based on this blog at some point, so its always worth causing a stir. Artistic licence or something like that.

Even though when I met MR BIG BLUE on Monday he wouldn’t admit to being involved with the Divorcee,my gut still tells me something is going on. The same way it did a couple of years back with the Other Women. My gut hasn’t failed me before and I doubt it will now.

I admit that part of this is based on jealousy, so please feel free to call me out as I know some of you will. When I think about the ‘relationship’ between MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee, i just want to shake him and scream : ‘What the hell are you thinking, dude?’. To me it seems that maybe she is ideal for him in his eyes but all the sneaking around, hiding and not being able to be open about being in a relationship with someone you supposedly love – isn’t this is all a basis for failure?

relationship foundation
How important are truthful foundations?

Before I met MR BIG BLUE I’d never been truly open about a relationship before. When I look back now, I think subconsciously I knew that those guys that I was ‘dating’ previously weren’t anything to be proud of and clearly not people I thought were worth introducing to my family or friends (although, at the time I would never have admitted it). But even those relationships weren’t in the same league of what MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee are doing.

I understand there are many potential reasons for sneaking around. She wants to keep it hidden because the divorce isn’t even finalized and the Hare Krishna community will definitely judge her from jumping into something new so soon. He wouldn’t want it to come out because it will simply serve to reinforce this image of him as a ladies man…after all it seems that many people had some knowledge about his affairs with the Other Women.You must understand that the Hare Krishnas are incredibly religious and wouldn’t really approve of such sordid behaviour so I figure to some extent they are trying to save themselves from being ostracized.

OK, but beyond the Hare Krishna community, what reasons do they have from hiding in the real world. MR BIG BLUE introduced me to his family within one month of knowing me (even though at the time, I could have been just a mere holiday romance). He took me to their beautiful estate and showed me where he grew up. I remember clearly the night before we went on that trip, I complained that he never wanted to take me out and show me off. He replied by saying he is showing me off to the only people that matter…i.e his family. They’d also met the girlfriend before me. But not the Other Women and the Divorcee…I wonder why?! In my mind, if you truly love someone especially in the early honeymoon stage, you should be desperate to show them off proudly.

In one of my conversations with the Oracle, he said one thing that sticks with me. He basically said he’d always thought our relationship had been good for MR BIG BLUE and that I really was the right girl for him and with regards to the Divorcee situation he said she must remember that ‘if he did it with you, he’d eventually do it to you’. Meaning that he cheated on me with her, and eventually he’d get bored of her as well and find another chick to cheat on her with. I wonder.

lies in relationships
My sentiments exactly

The thing is with myself and MR BIG BLUE there was no cheating. I was never an ‘other’ women to him. When we met we were young and things were really clear cut. It was just the two of us against the world. Making the most of every moment and having amazing adventures. Whatever messes we created along the way, I know that our relationship started of beautifully and noone can take that away from me. That is why I will never hate him. I will love him for those memories. It doesn’t mean I won’t be able to create new memories with someone else but all I am saying is that our relationship worked for as long as it did because the basic foundation was based on a truth.

So what I am asking all of you is that can a relationship ever survive if its built on a foundation of lies? Can an affair really blossom into something decent a real? Were any of you once the other women/man in an affair? How did things turn out?

I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks for listening.

Lots of Love Cinders x o x o

Reunion with MR BIG BLUE

From the outset, I want to apologise to you all for a slightly disjointed post. I am feeling a bit all over the place. I just met up with MR BIG BLUE for the first time since he left. It was the hardest thing ever. We went and sat in the park and shared my lunch. I remembered why I loved him. Because we are best friends that can share my lunch out of a Tupperware and be totally happy. He bought me the cutest gifts from India. They might have looked tacky to everyone else but to me they were perfect. Small gifts that I know come from the heart … he and I won’t work out (I get this by now) but like me he hadn’t totally stopped caring. That’s enough for me.

Sharing my lunch - Just something only MR BIG BLUE would understand.
Sharing my lunch – Just something only MR BIG BLUE would understand.

We spoke about India. He said it was tough at times but incredible at others. We spoke about us. I told he had broken my heart. I told him the rumours that were going around at the Hare Krishna temple which naturally he denied. He blamed The Other Women and the Oracle for trying to poison me. He said his true friends would never believe what was being said. I told him that I was sad about the rumours but if they were untrue he needed to fight to clear his name. I would support him in anyway I could.

I asked him straight out if the person he mentioned as being more ‘spiritually advanced’ was the Divorcee he didn’t say anything. I encouraged him to tell me because the truth would help him but he didn’t agree. God knows why he needs to keep quiet about it. It’s certainly not to protect me. I am already hurt enough. He explained that he never told me the full extent of his affair with the Other Women because he wanted to lessen the pain I would have to feel. I also took accountability for my part in the break up. Even though I’ve portrayed him as the bad guy in this blog, I certainly wasn’t an angel.

I am coming to realise certain things. Some time ago he did love me. Maybe he still does. He still cares about me and he knows I am good person, but we both know it wouldn’t work right now. We were young and naïve, we both messed up. I’d do anything for a second chance but not him. He’d rather chance things with the Divorcee (or whoever because he won’t confirm anything) than give me a second go. He is not giving up on love, he is giving up on me.

Today, I gave him a hug and I let him go. I won’t lie I cried in the work bathrooms for quite a while as well and I keep welling up at my desk. But things will get better. They just have to. No matter what, he will always be my first love. (Maybe just not my last).

never giving up
Giving up on him (he gave up on me first) BUT not giving up on LOVE

Our paths will cross at some point I know but right now I choose to focus on me. Not changing myself for him but making myself happy again so I can attract my Prince Charming (whether that be Dr Sparkle or someone new – who knows.). Speaking of Dr Sparkle, he has been checking on me all day, but I can’t really think about that situation right now…so its baby steps.

Anyway over to y’all because I am not really in the mood to talk anymore. I’m going out with Tatyana tonight to try and cheer myself up or drown my sorrows, either way I don’t want to be alone. I am stuck in the middle of where right now and after giving back MR BIG BLUE’s car I feel totally trapped. But it’s a good thing. Closure.

So how well do you think I did? Making progress? Is he still lying to me? Do you think he is really withholding information to protect me? Do you think I told him to do the right thing and clear his name? Do you the Other Women and the Oracle could really be trying to ruin MR BIG BLUE? Why do I still feel sad and like someone went a died? What activities do y’all prescribe for getting through the next stage of this whole mess other than partying and drinking copious amounts (gosh I sound like Crazy Cat Lady)? How did y’all cope with break ups?

Today I need your good vibes and positive thoughts more than ever.

Tearful Cinders x o x o

Is it written in the stars or just Hocus Pocus?

Spending time with the Hare Krishna’s got me thinking a bit about Vedic astrology. I’ve never been one for star signs, tarot cards, crystal balls and the like. I’ve always believed that I am the master of my own destiny and I have the power to shape my future any which way I wanted to. Still, there was a part of me that was curious as to whether my future could be pre-destined or maybe that I could be warned of something so I could prepare myself (maybe some mystic fortune teller could have told me how badly MR BIG BLUE would break my heart).

In my conversations with the Other Women she said she had got a compatibility chart done for her and MR BIG BLUE (before they were due to run away and get married – LOL (sorry I just do have to laugh every time I say that out load). She said when she initially sent her details (place, date and time of birth) the astrologer responded to her with a positive reading saying that MR BIG BLUE would help her through a tough phase in her life and then she would do the same for him. But then she realised she’d got his date of birth all wrong (great girlfriend she was, right? Cinders never forget MR BIG BLUE’s birthday) and when she asked for the reading to be done again with the correct date of birth the astrologer responded with a single line. RUN. RUN FOR THE HILLS. (Quite dramatic, I know).

run for the hills
The Astrologer’s Advice to the Other Women

So this got me thinking what would a astrological chart look like between MR BIG BLUE and I. I decided not to go with the astrologer recommended by the Hare Krishnas but use the services of a fellow blogger – Rima Desai, whose blog I had been following for some time. As a sceptic I wasn’t going to take everything that was said gospel and I made that clear to Rima. I wanted to test her a little bit so I asked her to start by telling me a bit about my past (and that of MR BIG BLUE) that way I could get an idea of how much of the astrological reading about my future and compatibility with MR BIG BLUE could be accurate.

Before I go into Rima’s response I should say that in order to do an astrological reading correctly, the astrologer needs to know a person’s time, date and place of birth correctly. In the case of both MR BIG BLUE and I we both did not have an accurate time of birth – I could give Rima a rough estimate of my time but all I could get with regards to MR BIG BLUE was that he was born in the morning.  MR BIG BLUE was adopted (and has big mummy issues because of it but that’s all to be discussed in another post). But what I do want to note right here is that this was one big loophole in the Other Women’s story…she said she had the reading done, but how exactly would the astrologer have done the reading withour MR BIG BLUEs time of birth ?! Go figure!

Fortune-Teller
Can the future really be predicted?

In reference to me though, this lack of information sadly limited how much detail Rima could provide within the reading. However with regards to my character and past Rima responded by saying.

You could have had a very strict or depressing upbringing …parents could have been very tough on you, overly strict or absent (one or both).This gives you a tendency to be depressed often, feel very low, negative, burdened, or cold. This however, also makes you a very determined personality – if you want something, you want it so bad, and you will get it no matter what.

My reaction to her comments:

I wouldn’t say my parents were very strict or my upbringing was depressing. However, both my parents worked really long hours and at weekends. But when we did spend time together it was good quality time. There was a time in my life when my Mother and I really didn’t get on. We’d fight a lot and argue over the slightest thing. She used to sort of bully me about me weight and compare me to others. But things are different now we have dealt with these issues. I am an only child so I guess I could get lonely at times too. 

I do get sad quite often because I always compare myself to others. I keep myself to myself – so maybe sometimes I come across as cold.  I am definitely determined and headstrong – I run marathons 😉 I made a long distance relationship work against all odds…so I guess you can say I get what I want.

*** 

I’ve decided I’m going to stop there because I don’t want to overwhelm you with the whole reading just yet. So now I open the floor to you my dearest little angels 🙂

Do you believe in astrology? Do you believe that our paths are already mapped out for us? Or are we truly the Masters of our own destinies? Do you think horoscopes/astrological readings have the potential to be accurate or do they work only when we force ourselves to read them in a certain way? What do you think of the information Rima provided thus far? Do you think I am opening a can of worms by getting astrological readings done for MR BIG BLUE and I? Have you ever had any readings done for yourself or your relationship with someone else? Were the outcomes positive or accurate? Please share your experiences. 

And always till the next update stay AWESOME my hummingbird cupcakes 🙂

Lots and Lots of LOVE

(Starry eyed) Cinders x o x o

P.S. If you keen to find our more about astrology or get a reading done yourself visit Rima’s website – Rima Desai’s : Scuba Diving into the Mind’s Pool

Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 3

My minds not in any space to be blogging about anything too taxing. I am dealing with more drama from Crazy Cat Lady…drama that I don’t need. I just wish these jerk estate agents would sort everything out so that I can just move into the castle and away from CCL and this never-ending drama. I am also in a strop because none of you read or commented on me Surviving Valentine’s Weekend – I need the ego boost.

So here is the next part of that ever-so-long unfinished letter to MR BIG BLUE….

Sadly, my letter to MR BIG BLUE was unfinished so it never got sealed with a kiss :(
Sadly, my letter to MR BIG BLUE was unfinished so it never got sealed with a kiss 😦

Fresh starts. Everyone wants them. But maybe in this situation we can make our very own fresh start without anyone new. I get it MR BIG BLUE, initiation, a new a new, India, new life with a new love – all perfect and new right now but everything gets old eventually.

You keep saying we are broken, but I don’t see it that way. The way I see it, we have cracks. Cracks either get wider or they get fixed. I know that with our determination and love can mend these things. Ask yourself why antiques are so valuable, despite all the cracks and scratches? It’s because they are full of history and they have a story – which is what we have. Something that no one can take away from us is history – It happened, the good, the bad, the ugly and the fun times – it all happened and no amount of fresh starts can change that.

And what’s to say we can’t have a fresh start of our very own? A new life. After initiation you go to India. Come back. New house. Close to the temple. Cooking together. Learning and growing. Maybe another feathered friend. Maybe a puppy. The most beautiful babies in the world and teaching them about the world and protecting them from all the bad things. Just give it a chance.

Through all this one of things that someone said and that sticks with me is that people think that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it isn’t. The grass is actually greener where we water it and that’s what can do/were doing I thought. That way we don’t just green grass but we get flowers too. Sounds stupid but you get the point right?

I’m not saying being with me is going to be easy. But we are best friends and we’ve always looked out for each other and I know you need to be more serious after initiation. I understand that. Just give me a chance to learn what my role needs to be to support you. You know I can do. I know how to check a person (to the extent of stalking – hehe)

If you go to India, just be safe and come back to us in one piece. I heard that things got tough for you at the temple and there were some objections to you getting initiation. You know I would have supported you and been a friend. You didn’t need to push me away because you found someone better or not. Regardless of whether I agreed wholeheartedly with Krishna Consciousness or not, I would always make a plan to support you in the things that made you happy. I always came to your songs during kartik and I tried to do little things to make it easier for you. Sorry it wasn’t enough – I guess sometimes we could do more.

If I could tell you what I really though without being nasty … that would be good. To start, I don’t blame you for anything. Fact is all I care about is that you are OK. It’s not nice having people talk about you   but just realise they will especially in a small community like this. Beyond all the gossipers you have to realise there are good people. People who care about you, and believe it or not care about me too. Don’t push them away.

***

fixing old relationship
Something MR BIG BLUE once sent me…I wish he had truly believed it because I do 😦

So there you have it folks. The end of the Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE. That’s where it ends. Now it’s your turn…please do comment because it will serve to improve my mood significantly.

Do you ever think there are relationships that are beyond repair? When should a hopeless romantic give up on a relationship? Do you think it’s better to go for something shiny and new like MR BIG BLUE is or work on fixing something that’s a little damaged but has a long history? For future reference, would you say that if I see something that I guy and I don’t gel on do you think I should run away or stay and work on it like I did here with MR BIG BLUE?

Would love love love to hear your thoughts.

Till the next time when I will hopefully have more of a smile of my dial.

Cinders x o x o

Surviving Valentine’s Weekend

Hey strangers 🙂 I hope you haven’t missed me too much over the last few days. I am glad to tell you that I didn’t top myself and I am still alive having survived Valentine’s weekend. I did promise you all that I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep thinking about MR BIG BLUE and I’d find some productive things to do in order to make the weekend of hearts, flowers and all things sickeningly romantic bearable and I am pleased to report I succeeded.

So let’s rewind back to Friday, or Valentine’s Eve, for the more romantically incline among us. Friday involved some after work drinks with Tatyana and Dr.Sparkle (minus CCL who was out at psychiatrist following the previous week’s drama). Drinks were followed by a bit of a comedy show (which we had previously booked) which at least gave us a few laughs and meant than none of the singletons had to be a lone. The night ended with a little bit of drama (well, we wouldn’t have it any other way it seems) as Dr.Sparkle gets ‘lured’ into CCLs car and ends up ditching Tatyana and I (more about the Dr in a future post…I think).

I woke up on Saturday, V-DAY, ready to shoot myself in the head. No MR BIG BLUE. No messages from MR BIG BLUE. No flowers. No cards. No wild declarations of love. Nothing but a 90 minute hot yoga class to start the day off. The majority of the afternoon was spent visiting a underprivileged community with the Hare Krishnas and feeding the little kiddies. I wasn’t in the best of moods when I arrived but being around little kiddies who are too young to even understand that its V-DAY was wonderful. It also served to remind me that my life isn’t all that bad. I might not have MR BIG BLUE, but I do have a roof over my head (in fact, I am lucky enough to be getting my dream princess castle very soon), food (and champagne) in my stomach, friends who might cause drama but also lift my spirit when they need too and the most awesome family in the world, so I really shouldn’t be complaining.

boring date
Using the Yogic Banker as My Valentines Therapist …Eeek !

I refused to spend V-DAY evening alone at home with CCL and the kitties so I arranged a date with the Yogic Banker. Let me stress here, that I do not find him attractive in any way, shape or form…but we both agreed it would be good to have company. We went out for dinner and few drinks. I decided not to allow myself to get bored with his conversation and instead use him as my therapist (I am terrible, I know). I literally told him EVERYTHING about the past weeks friendship drama as well as EVERYTHING about MR BIG BLUE. It wasn’t probably the wisest thing to spend V-DAY evening talking about MR BIG BLUE but it felt good and it allowed me to get a lot of my chest…talking to someone random who didn’t have any pre-conceived ideas. All in all it was a good day…I won’t lie. There were some tears at the end of the night. I still miss MR BIG BLUE… but I survived the day in the best way I possibly could. I tried my best. Most of the day I kept him out of my mind and that was an achievement in itself.

Sunday, I got invited out for a picnic and concert with Dr Sparkle (told you I need another post about him didn’t and I) and I decided to drag Valentine’s Weekend on for an extra day and went to catch the 50 Shades of Grey movie (read PERVE FEST) with Tatyana last night (but again I will write a whole post on that at some point soon).

picnic
A Sunset Picnic with Dr Sparkle – Who is curious to know more?

Now over to y’all my fluffy bunnies. Tell me all about how you survived Valentines Weekend? Do you think I did well getting through the weekend of commercialized LOVE? Was it wrong that I used the Yogic Banker as a therapist on Valentine’s Day? Is it wrong that I still miss MR BIG BLUE? And are you curious to find out more about Dr.Sparkle?

Please please comment and ask questions. It really would mean the world to me.

Till the next episode of life without MR BIG BLUE,

Love you guys more than cherry pie, tacky cards and giant stuffed toys

Cinders x o o

Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 2

Lets just cut to the chase shall we ? It start of my letter to MR BIG BLUE looked like this. Here is the second part …

letter writing
And Cinders is still busy writing ….

***

Well now for her (the Divorcee), if she is who I think she is. I don’t want to be bitchy. I guess to need to offer her a degree of respect as she is clearly someone more spiritually advanced than me and from what I gather more materially sound than me too. But I can be anything I want to be and more. Let’s start with the material stuff, you said it doesn’t matter anyway and that it is only useful if it can bring us closer to Krishna anyway, but it seems now it does. I guess I am materialistic in that I value my job and looking for material things, like a house and car, to make things to make more stable for myself and us. I know she has more to offer you in that. But I have something money can’t buy and that is LOVE.

I was brought up by the two most amazing parents and they taught me how to love whole-heartedly. They make me believe that there are good relationships in this world. They don’t have so much stuff but are the type of people that would give you the shirt of their back and you know that more than anyone. I wished one day I could have that kind of love with you as well. Anyway getting to the point I know the Divorcee has a nice car and a massive house and maybe I am lagging a little but I have such amazing support in my life that I really don’t need any of that kind of stuff anyway. All I really need are people around me that love me. I’d give up everything for them and for you because you are also someone I love.

I know I can’t compete with the Divorcee when it comes to spiritual advancement and that’s probably my major disadvantage. But you are stupid if you cannot see how far I have come. I know it didn’t come naturally to me and I was a bit slow on the uptake. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I doubted you at the beginning and that I acted all crazy BUT the fact is that this was over 2 years ago now. I am not the same person and I never will be. You know I’ve changed and you know that things changed during Kartik – that was my turning point. Us lighting lamps together in the tent at one of the most beautiful places on earth with our little Krishna deity was incredible and you can’t deny it. I just wish you could see we were getting there. Slowly but surely we were. Don’t you see that something that develops over time and with thought can be real and it can be beautiful too….

***

comparison is the theif of joy
Maybe Mr President has a point ?

So that’s the second excerpt from the unfinished letter that I started writing when I was really struggling. Obviously, those of you who have been reading the blog know that my feelings have hardened a little since the time I wrote this. I know this part of the letter sounds pretty desperate…but understand that at the time I wrote it I was hurting pretty badly. Over to you beautiful people now…

Do you think that its normal to wonder why you got replaced by some other girlfriend/fling? How important to you think material wealth is in a relationship? Do you think its idealistic to say that love conquers all or do people find those that can provide for them and spoil them more attractive? How important do you think someones family background is on their capacity to love?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Lots of LOVE my beauties.

Cinders x o x o