One Step Forward…Two Million Steps Back

Despite all the criticism you guys have thrown at me recently I think my last couple of posts have been a break from the norm. For one thing, I didn’t mention HIM. And there I was actually enjoying my life again – spending time with friends, crushing on Dr.Sparkle, even kissing JSWIPE. I started to feel like I was making progress. I was beginning to think things were getting easier, that maybe one day I would wake up and MR BIG BLUE would not be the first person that popped into my head.

one step forward, two steps back
Really? It doesn’t feel like progress.

And then kind of out of nowhere he rears his ugly (actually its quite pretty) head. A couple of days ago I got a message from MR BIG BLUE. He was telling me he is feeling all down in the dumps. He says there is no purpose for him here. That he is useless and has no place in the material world. He says he wants to go back to India. He says the Hare Krishna temple is no longer his safe haven because of the rumours people have spread about him. He says the Oracle and the Other Women have ruined his life. His says life has to be a big fat secret. He told me he was sorry he let me down.

My immediate thoughts were ‘well, it seems like there is trouble in paradise’.  And I have to admit, there was part of me that was a little bit happy because a) after what he had put me through I thought he deserved a little taste of his own medicine and b) I was thinking so you left me to pursue happiness with that thing (The Divorcee)…so much for happily ever after, hey?. I wanted to ask him how this relationship was expected to survive when it was all based on lies.Part of me wanted to say I told you so, see the grass is not greener over there on the richer side of town. But I didn’t.

I felt sorry for him. I still see him as a little blond haired, blue eyed boy. I just wanted to be close to him so I could give him a cuddle and tell him that he was loved by me (yes, sad to say it but there is a little part of my heart that cares about him) and also by his family. I wanted to tell him, that we could sort through everything and that I was here for him. I wanted to shake him and say what the hell are you doing? Come back to me, the girl who has loved you no matter what! I wanted to tell him that she is forcing him to hide their relationship to protect her own reputation, while he isolates himself from the people that actually care. But it wasn’t my place to say any of that. So I didn’t.

Instead I told him to cheer up. I told him things would get better. I said if he wanted to go to the temple, then he’d have to face the rumours and put things right. I made him laugh, the way we used to laugh together. (He said I had a unique sense of humour, that no one could take away). I told him, I was his friend. Best friend. Always. I told him that I loved him and that I understood. I said he should reach out to his family. I also let him know I wasn’t stupid and that I knew more than the thought I did. I said I would help out if he gave me the chance. I really don’t understand why I still care.

So how do think I handled it? Why do I still care? Why can’t I switch my feelings off? Am I really making any progress at all by going on these dates? Or am I just finding myself attracted to slightly bad boys like JSWIPE as a distraction? Will I really ever get over my first love?

P.S. As a side note. Apparently, the Mad Man (Divorcee’s not quite ex-husband) apparently pitched at her house with the police to fetch his stuff. He found her there with MR BIG BLUE. He wasn’t pleased (naturally). He went to the temple and made a huge scene about it. Crazy. Crazy. I’m glad I’m staying away from all the drama now.

Be kind. Cheer me up today. I need it.

Cinders x o x o

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Acceptance – The FINAL Revelation

I have finally accepted it is over with MR BIG BLUE and there is no chance we will ever get back together EVER.

After speaking to his mum last week things were a lot clearer. Even the people that were supposed to be on his side were telling me to walk away.

Following my reunion with MR BIG BLUE last week when I told him about the rumours that were going around and encouraged to fight them, the Oracle phoned me and said that they wanted to hold a meeting at the Hare Krishna temple and they wanted to confront the situation to see if MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita to get his initiation.  As it was accusations from the Other Women had got this thing started in the first place they want the meeting to be between MR BIG BLUE, the Other Women, the Oracle, the head of the temple and me.

I told MR BIG BLUE that I had been asked to attend the meeting. At first he seemed quite shocked and said he didn’t want me to be there because he was afraid the other parties would want to hurt me. I told him I was already hurt by what had been said so far and I would just rather have the truth. There was a long silence then. He then contacted me saying he thinks I should attend the meeting and we could fight together as I team and I would just need to back him up and say we had only been friends for the past two years (yeah right – I think by this stage even this idiot had begun to believe his own lies). He told me I would do it if I was his real friend (blackmail?!). I played along.

Then I emailed the Marigold – a very senior figure that MR BIG BLUE looks up to. I told him about the rumours, the meeting and the awkward position I was put being. He responded to my very detailed email with this short message:

Thank you for the message.

MR BIG BLUE has told me that he and the Divorcee are serious about their relationship, and want to go ahead together.

Certainly you should just be open and straightforward when the meeting happens. You have nothing to lose by being honest.

So there it was in black and white. It was no longer just a rumour. MR BIG BLUE had gone and confided in a person who he values over anyone in his family. It was true.

Despite all MR BIG BLUE’S statements, the Marigold knew the truth. Only a few months he had spoken to me about getting married to MR BIG BLUE. So he knew we weren’t just friends. All these lies. What a messed up situation. It took a while to settle in. I slept on it. But it was now there, out in the open.

acceptance
Acceptance – Finally !

The next day I visited the Hare Krishna temple to speak with the Oracle. I had already arranged to meet him to discuss what would and wouldn’t be said in the meeting. As soon as I met him I told him that it was over between MR BIG BLUE and I. There you go. I said it, old loud, for the first. It was OVER. We were no longer on a break. We were no longer a grey area. There was not a chance in hell we would be getting back together. It was well and truly OVER. I had accepted it. Totally 100%.

Talking to the Oracle always makes things seem better. At first he seemed disappointed that things had finished as he had always been a supporter of our relationship. I explained the position I was in. He suggested maybe I didn’t come to the meeting. That way I wouldn’t be forced to lie. This seemed like a pretty good idea. I just needed to consider how MR BIG BLUE would take it (not that it should really matter after everything he had put me through). The Oracle also said that there had been a purpose for me in all this drama. He said that MR BIG BLUE had brought me to Krishna and there was something good in that. The Oracle also took my hand and looked at the lines. He said there was another relationship on the horizon (well in about 4 years) and he said that would be the man I’d marry. I don’t know how much I believe him but it was nice to be given some hope. He also said that there was a lesson here and I needed to make better choices…with my head, rather than my heart. He said that he could tell I was a person of high-moral character and I should look for someone I could respect rather than someone I needed to fix.

hope
HOPE – Thanks to the Oracle for giving me a little bit of HOPE for the future. Just need the pain to end now.

So there you have it. Acceptance.

So do you think this is a turning point for me? Do you think I’ve finally accepted things are over with MR BIG BLUE? Do you think I am being a coward by not going to a meeting where I could completely destroy MR BIG BLUE and bring down all his lies? Or do you think I am right to walk away from this now and let MR BIG BLUE get on with his own sordid little life with the Divorcee? What do you think about the hope given to me by the Oracle? Is it worth believing that there is still somewhere waiting for me to come along?

Look forward to hearing what y’all have to say.

LOVE Cinders x o x o

The Sounds of Heartbreak – A Mother’s Love

So for a long time readers of this blog have been telling me to come clean to my family and friends about the Mr BIG BLUE situation and to stop protecting him. Yesterday, I took the first step.

MR BIG BLUE’S Mum contacted me as she had received some messages from him saying that he was struggling and needed help and unconditional love from his family. Hearing those messages broke my heart because he did have unconditional love from me but he was willing to give that up for the Divorcee, a more lavish lifestyle with a cookie-cutter Hare Krishna girl.

His mum was asking me what was going on and when I’d last seen him. I finally buckled. I just opened up to her. I told her things weren’t so good. I said that I saw him on Monday and we talked and I couldn’t figure out what was going on with him. I told her that as far as I knew he wasn’t living at the Hare Krishna temple anymore but nobody knew where he was. I explained that he had been cagey and she agreed he was acting out of character.

secret sharing

She kept asking me questions about how he got the money to go to India (he hasn’t been working for over two years now). She asked me why he came back so soon (nobody really knows but I am sure the Divorcee had something to do with it). I didn’t have the answers she was looking for… I wanted her help and I couldn’t keep the information to myself anymore. So I told her.

I told her I had my suspicions about him being involved with someone else and that there were rumours going around at the temple. I told her I had a inclining about who it was. I provided her with a name, age, religious inclination (oh and I provided her with the small token bitchy bit of information that the divorcee was one of those girls who were married and divorced by the age of 32 😉 ). I told her I hadn’t got any concrete evidence yet but my gut was telling me something. I explained how MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita about him and I just being good friends. And how he had portrayed me to people at the temple as a crazed ex-girlfriend who couldn’t get over him (for 2 years). I also told her about the Other Women.

She was angry. She told me that I shouldn’t let him manipulate. She phoned him and asked him straight what was going on. He was still cagey with her. Then she asked him how things were going with me and he replied we were really great friends as always. This made her crazy mad. She told me she was hurt because she’d thought they had trained him better than this and she was upset at the way he’d treated me. Hearing her say this broke my heart. I told her not to blame herself for any of this and that the reason I fell in love with MR BIG BLUE was because he was brought up to be a gentleman. I said that if I blamed anyone for this change in his behaviour it would be the Hare Krishna’s and not his folks. She said that as far as his father and she were concerned I had always been the right one for their son and that they saw that while he did try and manipulate me at times, they knew I was strong and independent enough to handle him. She said that he was the loser in all of this and that his family would be there for me if ever I needed anything.

Seeing his Mother so upset broke my heart. Knowing that she was such a good person that she’d protect me over her own son meant the world to me. She is truly amazing and I will love her forever for being the first person who shared this burden with me. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Breakup Family
Does he have a point?

So over to y’all now… Do you think it was a step forward that I told someone what had truly happened? Or have I just served to hurt another innocent person? How important is family approval to the success of a relationship? Have I possibly ruined the chances of the Divorcee being welcomed into this amazing family (where she does not deserve to be in my humble opinion)? What do you do when a relationship and break-up goes beyond just two people? How do you say goodbye to a family that you have grown to love and still care about?

As usual I really do need your thoughts and good vibes right now, more than ever. Please comment and offer your much-needed pearls of wisdom. You will make my day.

Till a better day (hopefully).

LOVE Cinders x o x o

Reunion with MR BIG BLUE

From the outset, I want to apologise to you all for a slightly disjointed post. I am feeling a bit all over the place. I just met up with MR BIG BLUE for the first time since he left. It was the hardest thing ever. We went and sat in the park and shared my lunch. I remembered why I loved him. Because we are best friends that can share my lunch out of a Tupperware and be totally happy. He bought me the cutest gifts from India. They might have looked tacky to everyone else but to me they were perfect. Small gifts that I know come from the heart … he and I won’t work out (I get this by now) but like me he hadn’t totally stopped caring. That’s enough for me.

Sharing my lunch - Just something only MR BIG BLUE would understand.
Sharing my lunch – Just something only MR BIG BLUE would understand.

We spoke about India. He said it was tough at times but incredible at others. We spoke about us. I told he had broken my heart. I told him the rumours that were going around at the Hare Krishna temple which naturally he denied. He blamed The Other Women and the Oracle for trying to poison me. He said his true friends would never believe what was being said. I told him that I was sad about the rumours but if they were untrue he needed to fight to clear his name. I would support him in anyway I could.

I asked him straight out if the person he mentioned as being more ‘spiritually advanced’ was the Divorcee he didn’t say anything. I encouraged him to tell me because the truth would help him but he didn’t agree. God knows why he needs to keep quiet about it. It’s certainly not to protect me. I am already hurt enough. He explained that he never told me the full extent of his affair with the Other Women because he wanted to lessen the pain I would have to feel. I also took accountability for my part in the break up. Even though I’ve portrayed him as the bad guy in this blog, I certainly wasn’t an angel.

I am coming to realise certain things. Some time ago he did love me. Maybe he still does. He still cares about me and he knows I am good person, but we both know it wouldn’t work right now. We were young and naïve, we both messed up. I’d do anything for a second chance but not him. He’d rather chance things with the Divorcee (or whoever because he won’t confirm anything) than give me a second go. He is not giving up on love, he is giving up on me.

Today, I gave him a hug and I let him go. I won’t lie I cried in the work bathrooms for quite a while as well and I keep welling up at my desk. But things will get better. They just have to. No matter what, he will always be my first love. (Maybe just not my last).

never giving up
Giving up on him (he gave up on me first) BUT not giving up on LOVE

Our paths will cross at some point I know but right now I choose to focus on me. Not changing myself for him but making myself happy again so I can attract my Prince Charming (whether that be Dr Sparkle or someone new – who knows.). Speaking of Dr Sparkle, he has been checking on me all day, but I can’t really think about that situation right now…so its baby steps.

Anyway over to y’all because I am not really in the mood to talk anymore. I’m going out with Tatyana tonight to try and cheer myself up or drown my sorrows, either way I don’t want to be alone. I am stuck in the middle of where right now and after giving back MR BIG BLUE’s car I feel totally trapped. But it’s a good thing. Closure.

So how well do you think I did? Making progress? Is he still lying to me? Do you think he is really withholding information to protect me? Do you think I told him to do the right thing and clear his name? Do you the Other Women and the Oracle could really be trying to ruin MR BIG BLUE? Why do I still feel sad and like someone went a died? What activities do y’all prescribe for getting through the next stage of this whole mess other than partying and drinking copious amounts (gosh I sound like Crazy Cat Lady)? How did y’all cope with break ups?

Today I need your good vibes and positive thoughts more than ever.

Tearful Cinders x o x o

STRESS, STRESS and MORE STRESS

Just wanted to post quickly to let you all know why I’ve been a bit AWOL for the past week. Life took a turn from messed up to beyond STRESSFUL on so so many levels.

SUPER STRESS
Me – SUPER STRESSED !!!

I won’t go into too much detail but here are the main reasons.

1. Crazy Cat Lady went mental and kicked me out because I wouldn’t choose her over all of my other friends. My Castle’s transfer got delayed which pretty much makes me homeless. So this weekend I will be putting all my stuff into storage and becoming a nomad. Thankfully I have awesome friends who have stepped up and offered me their beds, couches, hammocks and floors to sleep on :).

2. Even though shes been uber mean to me I am actually seriously worried about CCL. I was her last friend standing and now she has kicked me to curb as well. I don’t know what she will do without ANY human contact whatsoever. I think she needs professional help but I am not in a position to help her. I hope that once I can get out of her place…maybe it will be easier for me to approach her.

3. MR BIG BLUE might be coming home early. I was just getting used to having this space and I thought I was using this time to become more independent but the thought of him potentially being back in less than a week truly messes things up in a huge way. He hasn’t confirmed anything yet. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

4. This shouldn’t be something stressful but its also messing with my head a little. I think I have a bit of a crush on someone. Its still to early to say if the feelings are real or I am just tricking myself into believing this is something more than it actually is. But I can say one thing…he has made me smile through all this stress and been a supportive friend (although I think he is too oblivious to know). When I am around him, I feel like I am on the top of the world. I can totally be my crazy self around him and he makes me SMILE a lot. Nothing romantic has happened and everything is in my head at the moment. But I am determined not to mess things up with him. Right now, the friendship means too much for me to throw it away. I want to make sure all my feelings for MR BIG BLUE are gone before I move on to anything else and I need to make sure its worth risking our friendship for. I don’t know if he like likes me the same way, but he knows a bit about the MR BIG BLUE situation and I know he is to decent to make a move until he knows it totally over. He is the opposite of MR BIG BLUE in every single way. I am just a little bit smitten. Gosh.

5. Oh and by the way… I lost my appetite. I don’t know whether its all the stress from CRAZY CAT LADY or whether its love sickness or pure craziness? YOU. TELL. ME.

crush
Am I reading to much into a little bit of smiling ?

OK guys, there is my uber quick update so now over to you … give me your thoughts.

How should I handle the Crazy Cat Lady situation? How do I deal with seeing MR BIG BLUE again so much sooner than I was prepared for? Do you think I am crushing on this new guy as a rebound thing? Am I crazy to go from crying our MR BIG BLUE to being smitten over someone new so soon? Do you think I am misreading signals from someone who is a good friend as something more when its not? Have you ever lost your appetite over stress or over a potential love interest? Share your experiences and distract me from my stress.

Till I return from my weekend of STRESS.

Lots of love my sweeties,

Cinders x o x o

Is it written in the stars or just Hocus Pocus?

Spending time with the Hare Krishna’s got me thinking a bit about Vedic astrology. I’ve never been one for star signs, tarot cards, crystal balls and the like. I’ve always believed that I am the master of my own destiny and I have the power to shape my future any which way I wanted to. Still, there was a part of me that was curious as to whether my future could be pre-destined or maybe that I could be warned of something so I could prepare myself (maybe some mystic fortune teller could have told me how badly MR BIG BLUE would break my heart).

In my conversations with the Other Women she said she had got a compatibility chart done for her and MR BIG BLUE (before they were due to run away and get married – LOL (sorry I just do have to laugh every time I say that out load). She said when she initially sent her details (place, date and time of birth) the astrologer responded to her with a positive reading saying that MR BIG BLUE would help her through a tough phase in her life and then she would do the same for him. But then she realised she’d got his date of birth all wrong (great girlfriend she was, right? Cinders never forget MR BIG BLUE’s birthday) and when she asked for the reading to be done again with the correct date of birth the astrologer responded with a single line. RUN. RUN FOR THE HILLS. (Quite dramatic, I know).

run for the hills
The Astrologer’s Advice to the Other Women

So this got me thinking what would a astrological chart look like between MR BIG BLUE and I. I decided not to go with the astrologer recommended by the Hare Krishnas but use the services of a fellow blogger – Rima Desai, whose blog I had been following for some time. As a sceptic I wasn’t going to take everything that was said gospel and I made that clear to Rima. I wanted to test her a little bit so I asked her to start by telling me a bit about my past (and that of MR BIG BLUE) that way I could get an idea of how much of the astrological reading about my future and compatibility with MR BIG BLUE could be accurate.

Before I go into Rima’s response I should say that in order to do an astrological reading correctly, the astrologer needs to know a person’s time, date and place of birth correctly. In the case of both MR BIG BLUE and I we both did not have an accurate time of birth – I could give Rima a rough estimate of my time but all I could get with regards to MR BIG BLUE was that he was born in the morning.  MR BIG BLUE was adopted (and has big mummy issues because of it but that’s all to be discussed in another post). But what I do want to note right here is that this was one big loophole in the Other Women’s story…she said she had the reading done, but how exactly would the astrologer have done the reading withour MR BIG BLUEs time of birth ?! Go figure!

Fortune-Teller
Can the future really be predicted?

In reference to me though, this lack of information sadly limited how much detail Rima could provide within the reading. However with regards to my character and past Rima responded by saying.

You could have had a very strict or depressing upbringing …parents could have been very tough on you, overly strict or absent (one or both).This gives you a tendency to be depressed often, feel very low, negative, burdened, or cold. This however, also makes you a very determined personality – if you want something, you want it so bad, and you will get it no matter what.

My reaction to her comments:

I wouldn’t say my parents were very strict or my upbringing was depressing. However, both my parents worked really long hours and at weekends. But when we did spend time together it was good quality time. There was a time in my life when my Mother and I really didn’t get on. We’d fight a lot and argue over the slightest thing. She used to sort of bully me about me weight and compare me to others. But things are different now we have dealt with these issues. I am an only child so I guess I could get lonely at times too. 

I do get sad quite often because I always compare myself to others. I keep myself to myself – so maybe sometimes I come across as cold.  I am definitely determined and headstrong – I run marathons 😉 I made a long distance relationship work against all odds…so I guess you can say I get what I want.

*** 

I’ve decided I’m going to stop there because I don’t want to overwhelm you with the whole reading just yet. So now I open the floor to you my dearest little angels 🙂

Do you believe in astrology? Do you believe that our paths are already mapped out for us? Or are we truly the Masters of our own destinies? Do you think horoscopes/astrological readings have the potential to be accurate or do they work only when we force ourselves to read them in a certain way? What do you think of the information Rima provided thus far? Do you think I am opening a can of worms by getting astrological readings done for MR BIG BLUE and I? Have you ever had any readings done for yourself or your relationship with someone else? Were the outcomes positive or accurate? Please share your experiences. 

And always till the next update stay AWESOME my hummingbird cupcakes 🙂

Lots and Lots of LOVE

(Starry eyed) Cinders x o x o

P.S. If you keen to find our more about astrology or get a reading done yourself visit Rima’s website – Rima Desai’s : Scuba Diving into the Mind’s Pool

Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 3

My minds not in any space to be blogging about anything too taxing. I am dealing with more drama from Crazy Cat Lady…drama that I don’t need. I just wish these jerk estate agents would sort everything out so that I can just move into the castle and away from CCL and this never-ending drama. I am also in a strop because none of you read or commented on me Surviving Valentine’s Weekend – I need the ego boost.

So here is the next part of that ever-so-long unfinished letter to MR BIG BLUE….

Sadly, my letter to MR BIG BLUE was unfinished so it never got sealed with a kiss :(
Sadly, my letter to MR BIG BLUE was unfinished so it never got sealed with a kiss 😦

Fresh starts. Everyone wants them. But maybe in this situation we can make our very own fresh start without anyone new. I get it MR BIG BLUE, initiation, a new a new, India, new life with a new love – all perfect and new right now but everything gets old eventually.

You keep saying we are broken, but I don’t see it that way. The way I see it, we have cracks. Cracks either get wider or they get fixed. I know that with our determination and love can mend these things. Ask yourself why antiques are so valuable, despite all the cracks and scratches? It’s because they are full of history and they have a story – which is what we have. Something that no one can take away from us is history – It happened, the good, the bad, the ugly and the fun times – it all happened and no amount of fresh starts can change that.

And what’s to say we can’t have a fresh start of our very own? A new life. After initiation you go to India. Come back. New house. Close to the temple. Cooking together. Learning and growing. Maybe another feathered friend. Maybe a puppy. The most beautiful babies in the world and teaching them about the world and protecting them from all the bad things. Just give it a chance.

Through all this one of things that someone said and that sticks with me is that people think that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it isn’t. The grass is actually greener where we water it and that’s what can do/were doing I thought. That way we don’t just green grass but we get flowers too. Sounds stupid but you get the point right?

I’m not saying being with me is going to be easy. But we are best friends and we’ve always looked out for each other and I know you need to be more serious after initiation. I understand that. Just give me a chance to learn what my role needs to be to support you. You know I can do. I know how to check a person (to the extent of stalking – hehe)

If you go to India, just be safe and come back to us in one piece. I heard that things got tough for you at the temple and there were some objections to you getting initiation. You know I would have supported you and been a friend. You didn’t need to push me away because you found someone better or not. Regardless of whether I agreed wholeheartedly with Krishna Consciousness or not, I would always make a plan to support you in the things that made you happy. I always came to your songs during kartik and I tried to do little things to make it easier for you. Sorry it wasn’t enough – I guess sometimes we could do more.

If I could tell you what I really though without being nasty … that would be good. To start, I don’t blame you for anything. Fact is all I care about is that you are OK. It’s not nice having people talk about you   but just realise they will especially in a small community like this. Beyond all the gossipers you have to realise there are good people. People who care about you, and believe it or not care about me too. Don’t push them away.

***

fixing old relationship
Something MR BIG BLUE once sent me…I wish he had truly believed it because I do 😦

So there you have it folks. The end of the Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE. That’s where it ends. Now it’s your turn…please do comment because it will serve to improve my mood significantly.

Do you ever think there are relationships that are beyond repair? When should a hopeless romantic give up on a relationship? Do you think it’s better to go for something shiny and new like MR BIG BLUE is or work on fixing something that’s a little damaged but has a long history? For future reference, would you say that if I see something that I guy and I don’t gel on do you think I should run away or stay and work on it like I did here with MR BIG BLUE?

Would love love love to hear your thoughts.

Till the next time when I will hopefully have more of a smile of my dial.

Cinders x o x o

Surviving Valentine’s Weekend

Hey strangers 🙂 I hope you haven’t missed me too much over the last few days. I am glad to tell you that I didn’t top myself and I am still alive having survived Valentine’s weekend. I did promise you all that I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep thinking about MR BIG BLUE and I’d find some productive things to do in order to make the weekend of hearts, flowers and all things sickeningly romantic bearable and I am pleased to report I succeeded.

So let’s rewind back to Friday, or Valentine’s Eve, for the more romantically incline among us. Friday involved some after work drinks with Tatyana and Dr.Sparkle (minus CCL who was out at psychiatrist following the previous week’s drama). Drinks were followed by a bit of a comedy show (which we had previously booked) which at least gave us a few laughs and meant than none of the singletons had to be a lone. The night ended with a little bit of drama (well, we wouldn’t have it any other way it seems) as Dr.Sparkle gets ‘lured’ into CCLs car and ends up ditching Tatyana and I (more about the Dr in a future post…I think).

I woke up on Saturday, V-DAY, ready to shoot myself in the head. No MR BIG BLUE. No messages from MR BIG BLUE. No flowers. No cards. No wild declarations of love. Nothing but a 90 minute hot yoga class to start the day off. The majority of the afternoon was spent visiting a underprivileged community with the Hare Krishnas and feeding the little kiddies. I wasn’t in the best of moods when I arrived but being around little kiddies who are too young to even understand that its V-DAY was wonderful. It also served to remind me that my life isn’t all that bad. I might not have MR BIG BLUE, but I do have a roof over my head (in fact, I am lucky enough to be getting my dream princess castle very soon), food (and champagne) in my stomach, friends who might cause drama but also lift my spirit when they need too and the most awesome family in the world, so I really shouldn’t be complaining.

boring date
Using the Yogic Banker as My Valentines Therapist …Eeek !

I refused to spend V-DAY evening alone at home with CCL and the kitties so I arranged a date with the Yogic Banker. Let me stress here, that I do not find him attractive in any way, shape or form…but we both agreed it would be good to have company. We went out for dinner and few drinks. I decided not to allow myself to get bored with his conversation and instead use him as my therapist (I am terrible, I know). I literally told him EVERYTHING about the past weeks friendship drama as well as EVERYTHING about MR BIG BLUE. It wasn’t probably the wisest thing to spend V-DAY evening talking about MR BIG BLUE but it felt good and it allowed me to get a lot of my chest…talking to someone random who didn’t have any pre-conceived ideas. All in all it was a good day…I won’t lie. There were some tears at the end of the night. I still miss MR BIG BLUE… but I survived the day in the best way I possibly could. I tried my best. Most of the day I kept him out of my mind and that was an achievement in itself.

Sunday, I got invited out for a picnic and concert with Dr Sparkle (told you I need another post about him didn’t and I) and I decided to drag Valentine’s Weekend on for an extra day and went to catch the 50 Shades of Grey movie (read PERVE FEST) with Tatyana last night (but again I will write a whole post on that at some point soon).

picnic
A Sunset Picnic with Dr Sparkle – Who is curious to know more?

Now over to y’all my fluffy bunnies. Tell me all about how you survived Valentines Weekend? Do you think I did well getting through the weekend of commercialized LOVE? Was it wrong that I used the Yogic Banker as a therapist on Valentine’s Day? Is it wrong that I still miss MR BIG BLUE? And are you curious to find out more about Dr.Sparkle?

Please please comment and ask questions. It really would mean the world to me.

Till the next episode of life without MR BIG BLUE,

Love you guys more than cherry pie, tacky cards and giant stuffed toys

Cinders x o o

Valentines Day without MR BIG BLUE

So I conquered my first b’day post-MR BIG BLUE last week thanks to a bunch of good friends who kept my spirits high and partied with me. This was followed by a little high school drama which was a bit of an unnecessary distraction. And now BOOM the dreaded V-day is upon us. And how do I feel about it?

Well….I don’t really know to be honest. MR BIG BLUE and I never really did much for it anyway. We always made it our thing to boycott that nonsense, because we didn’t want a cookie cutter, Hallmark-kinda relationship. Our first Valentines Day, we attempted to find a restaurant but they all had ridiculously expensive Valentine’s Day menus so we ended up eating take-out at home and watching movies. One year, MR BIG BLUE tricked me. I thought I’d successfully managed to avoid the day but when I got home he told me that I needed to run upstairs and see what my feathered friend had done to one of my favourite dresses. When I opened the bedroom door, he decked out the whole room and got me the BIGGEST, most tacky Valentines card ever. We had a good laugh. But I’m not here to reminisce about happy times with MR BIG BLUE now am I ?

VALENTINES DAY
Boycotting Valentine’s Day – Mine and MR BIG BLUE’s thing 😉

Onward and Upwards that’s what I say. So the plan tomorrow includes finding my inner calm at a 90 minute yoga class, getting involved in a feeding scheme for homeless children to remind myself how much I have to be thankful for in my life and that I need to stop wallowing in self pity, champagne tasting with Dr Sparkle and Tatyana (shhhh…nobody tell Crazy Cat Lady) and possibly a date with the Yogic Banker (I have no other option guys.) The alternative is sitting in with CCL and the kitties and get absorbed into the last 2 parts of the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy followed by a bonfire where I burn all my pictures of MR BIG BLUE…Which would you choose?!!!

Oh and MR BIG BLUE…Here is a Valentine’s song for you sweet. In the words of Taylor Swift…

Now over to you my Valentine’s cherubs…

Tell me what you think about Valentine’s Day – Overrated or just another sweet occasion to celebrate LOVE? Do I sound like I am getting cynical and moving away from hopelessly romantic ways? What do you think of my Valentine’s Day plans? A positive move away from MR BIG BLUE? Have you guys got any good tips on how to survive your first V-Day as a singleton? Tell me about your plans (if you are doing something nice, I promise to be happy for you)? What have been your best and worst Valentine’s Day experiences? Come along girls and guys…Remember sharing is caring :).

Lots of LOVE

Cinders x o x o

Giving up on LOVE? The Life and Times of Crazy Cat Lady

Back from the weekend of drama and debauchery. Today, I’ve decided to steer the blog away from the whole MR BIG BLUE drama for a bit. Instead let’s talk about the alternative, i.e. giving up on LOVE and becoming…Crazy Cat Lady.You might think this stereotype of a lonely old spinster surrounded by cats only belongs in comic books but I am here to tell you that you are wrong. She really does exist. Crazy Cat Lady is a buddy of Cinders’ and over the past few years we’ve really gotten to know each other pretty well.

Crazy Cat Lady spent 12 years of her life dedicated to one guy. He was a scumbag who was following his dreams as an ‘entrepreneur’ while Crazy Cat Lady slogged away at the office all day to provide him with a roof over his head, food to eat, beer to drink … what a life (not to different to what my life could have been, if I hadn’t moved away from MR BIG BLUE after just 6 months of him being out of a job and not actively looking for work). When he thought Crazy Cat Lady might leave he got down on one knee (with a fake diamond ring) and proposed. Lucky for her she realised marriage wasn’t for them and got out before the wedding. She ended things just because she trusted her gut (she later found out he’d been cheating with multiple ladies and he’d even got one pregnant – crazy!!).

So after the 12 year relationship, Crazy Cat Lady had a quick 2 month thing followed by a one night stand and that’s it. She decided she was done with men. There is no such thing as LOVE anyway. You’ll always end up hurt in a relationship. No man will meet your expectations. We are all fickle beings looking for something better. She refuses to try internet dating because it’s for real losers. She has given up on LOVE and only wants to focus on her cats. Cats won’t hurt you. They give great cuddles. They are loyal and will never cheat on you. All they need a little bit of food. They really don’t ask for much. Not the way a man would.

Crazy Cat Lady
Crazy Cat Lady – Is this what happens to those who give up on LOVE?

Like you might have gathered. I am a hopeless romantic. The total opposite to the Crazy Cat Lady. Whether it’s with MR BIG BLUE or someone else. I will always believe that LOVE exists. Even if it’s not like in the fairy tales (as the whole MR BIG BLUE episode has shown me). I want to help the Crazy Cat Lady. I want her to get out there and try. I want her just to be open to the possibility of meeting someone. I don’t want her to think she is past it and on the shelf. Maybe she is a little old to have kids, but doesn’t meet she can’t find a companion. I’ve tried to reason with her and pointed out many guys that would be interested but she always finds fault – too poor, too rich, too black, too white, too clever, too stupid, likes dogs not cars – basically says she will only settle down with a  guy who is the same as her in every way. But I think it’s all an excuse. It seems she will never let herself LOVE again (accept for the cats of course).

Regardless at the end of the day at least she has her cats.  And me, the hopeless romantic – I have no one.

Ok I know it’s a bit of a random post….but give me your opinions.

Is it ever OK to give up on LOVE? Should I be a bit more life Crazy Cat Lady – i.e. realistic? Does it make you sad when you meet people that have given up on LOVE or do you think its better to be independent like her than one of those that try this whole LOVE thing and end up divorced and penniless? Or are you someone who has given up on the conventional idea or LOVE for something else maybe its the LOVE of your job, a passion for something else, or even your cats ? Please share your stories because sharing is caring after all.  

Till I am in a better state of mind (still hungover from this weekend)

Lots of LOVE (because you know I LOVE LOVE)

Cinders x o x o