What the hell is up with MR BIG BLUE? Last week when I told him that Crazy Cat Lady kicked me out, he responds by telling me that a) I had outstayed my welcome with her and b) that he MIGHT be coming back early. Now today he messages me to say he will be back tomorrow…I’m all like WTF??!! (Although, I’m have a hunch he could have been back a while already…maybe shacked up with the divorcee or maybe he even planned on coming back at the beginning of the month as he knew that was when my house was meant to be ready… and he knows I would have given him a roof over his head if I could).
I expected him to be gone for at least 2 months. I wasn’t happy with the situation because I felt he was running away from all his issues here but I mentally prepared myself the reality that he would be gone. I expected it to be hard but I found ways to cope and friends to help me deal with the stress. I began to open up more with people. I started to find my own feet at the Hare Krishna Temple. I felt like I was starting to make progress and be open to the fact that there were possibly better people for me out there. And then this happened!
I’m not sure when I will see him exactly but it will definitely be at some point in the next few days.
So what do I do? I struggled to say goodbye but now I wonder if I am ready to say hello again? I was just starting to explore possible feelings I had for someone new, someone who has the potential to be truly wonderful – could seeing MR BIG BLUE just end up jeopardizing this? Without him here I began to see things for what they were…the whole situation is too messed up for me to be part of. Now with him back I am worried he will win me over someway or somehow. How do I stop this happening? Despite all his done, I don’t want to be hurtful or mean to him. How do I talk to him without getting angry or emotional? And why or why can’t I just have a stress-free weekend ever? First Crazy Cat Lady drama and now this? Am I finally getting rid of all the deadwood in my life?
My minds not in any space to be blogging about anything too taxing. I am dealing with more drama from Crazy Cat Lady…drama that I don’t need. I just wish these jerk estate agents would sort everything out so that I can just move into the castle and away from CCL and this never-ending drama. I am also in a strop because none of you read or commented on me Surviving Valentine’s Weekend – I need the ego boost.
Fresh starts. Everyone wants them. But maybe in this situation we can make our very own fresh start without anyone new. I get it MR BIG BLUE, initiation, a new a new, India, new life with a new love – all perfect and new right now but everything gets old eventually.
You keep saying we are broken, but I don’t see it that way. The way I see it, we have cracks. Cracks either get wider or they get fixed. I know that with our determination and love can mend these things. Ask yourself why antiques are so valuable, despite all the cracks and scratches? It’s because they are full of history and they have a story – which is what we have. Something that no one can take away from us is history – It happened, the good, the bad, the ugly and the fun times – it all happened and no amount of fresh starts can change that.
And what’s to say we can’t have a fresh start of our very own? A new life. After initiation you go to India. Come back. New house. Close to the temple. Cooking together. Learning and growing. Maybe another feathered friend. Maybe a puppy. The most beautiful babies in the world and teaching them about the world and protecting them from all the bad things. Just give it a chance.
Through all this one of things that someone said and that sticks with me is that people think that the grass is always greener on the other side, but it isn’t. The grass is actually greener where we water it and that’s what can do/were doing I thought. That way we don’t just green grass but we get flowers too. Sounds stupid but you get the point right?
I’m not saying being with me is going to be easy. But we are best friends and we’ve always looked out for each other and I know you need to be more serious after initiation. I understand that. Just give me a chance to learn what my role needs to be to support you. You know I can do. I know how to check a person (to the extent of stalking – hehe)
If you go to India, just be safe and come back to us in one piece. I heard that things got tough for you at the temple and there were some objections to you getting initiation. You know I would have supported you and been a friend. You didn’t need to push me away because you found someone better or not. Regardless of whether I agreed wholeheartedly with Krishna Consciousness or not, I would always make a plan to support you in the things that made you happy. I always came to your songs during kartik and I tried to do little things to make it easier for you. Sorry it wasn’t enough – I guess sometimes we could do more.
If I could tell you what I really though without being nasty … that would be good. To start, I don’t blame you for anything. Fact is all I care about is that you are OK. It’s not nice having people talk about you but just realise they will especially in a small community like this. Beyond all the gossipers you have to realise there are good people. People who care about you, and believe it or not care about me too. Don’t push them away.
So there you have it folks. The end of the Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE. That’s where it ends. Now it’s your turn…please do comment because it will serve to improve my mood significantly.
Do you ever think there are relationships that are beyond repair? When should a hopeless romantic give up on a relationship? Do you think it’s better to go for something shiny and new like MR BIG BLUE is or work on fixing something that’s a little damaged but has a long history? For future reference, would you say that if I see something that I guy and I don’t gel on do you think I should run away or stay and work on it like I did here with MR BIG BLUE?
Would love love love to hear your thoughts.
Till the next time when I will hopefully have more of a smile of my dial.
Today I am going to mix it up a bit. I am not going to give you the next part of the Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE (because I am sure you are a bit fed up of hearing about this man). Instead, we can talk about my relationship with religion. I am hoping we can stir up a bit of debate on the blog as religion tends to be a bit of a contentious issues.
I’ve never been big on religion or God. My dad always taught me if I wanted something I needed to get out there and work for it instead of sitting on my butt all day praying for it.
From the outset I knew MR BIG BLUE had some strong religious beliefs. At first I was open-minded and I went to visit the Hare Krishna temple with him. It was pretty cool and bit strange (isn’t all religion though?) but the people had a sweet nature about them (although a bit airy fairy) and they were welcoming.
For the first couple of years of our relationship I was fine about his religion. We went to the temple on and off. We went to eat the restaurant connected to the temple at weekends. We were both vegetarian (it was an easy enough transition for me as I didn’t eat much meat anyway). We used to watch documentaries about his faith – some were really cool and others were boring (he’d get upset with me for saying something like that or being in any way critical of the faith). We even took a city break once and went to visit a bigger HK centre.
I didn’t mind religion in moderation. We could still do fun activities. Go on hikes. Dinners out with friends. Movies. Concerts. Vacations. Picnics on the beach.
Then things changed. I don’t know exactly when or why but it felt like overnight. MR BIG BLUE had a crisis. He said he wanted to eat meat again, started smoking cigars and drinking a lot. It upset me. I didn’t understand why. I didn’t want to eat meat again or self-destruct.
But this phase didn’t last long. He soon sobered up but he felt so guilty for his lapse. Because of this he started to spend more time at the temple. Too much time in fact. He started to go to the temple instead of going to work. In the end that contributed to him getting fired from his job. With no job to give him structure and wages he started to spend even more time at the temple. This angered me. While I was busy slaving away at my desk. He was chanting, dancing (and busy chatting up the Other Women) at the temple. He wasn’t bringing in any money. With just one wage we couldn’t afford to do anything fun. He wasn’t even looking for a job, it wasn’t a priority for him. I felt like he didn’t care about me anymore. He was always with them because they allowed him to escape the problem rather than tackle it head on. I started to hate the Hare Krishnas for this.
This made me draw away from them. I felt they had brought him down and would bring me down too. I needed to surround myself with go-getters. So I found other friends and spent more time with them doing normal fun things. The same things I used to do with MR BIG BLUE. Even during the brief moments we’d spend together he was so fanatical. I couldn’t listen to any music other than Hare Krishna songs. We’d have to always say special prayers before eating. We’d only watch Hare Krishna documentaries. I was being suffocated.
So I ended our rental contract. As much as it broke my heart I said if he wanted to spend so much time at the Hare Krishna temple he should move in there. I decided I would move into a flat share with a random to get my space. I was over all the fighting. So that is what we did…
After he moved into the temple I thought that was it. He had chosen the religion over me. Finished. But we were still in touch. He’d visit me at my flat and bring prasadam (special food that had been offered to the deities) and he invited me to special festivals at the temple.He gave me a special copy of the Bhagavad Gita As It Is (the same scripture he would later swear he hadn’t had a relationship with me on.) and wrote a message inside the cover saying that I should seek shelter in this book if I ever felt sad or missed him. We also started to do other fun things like going to the beach, picnics in the park, weekends away, hiking, camping. He even got a bike and started cycling with me.
Because of this element of balance I started to take more interest in the religion. I started chanting the Hare Krishna Maha Mantra and it felt good. I can’t tell you why but I felt peaceful. I wasn’t so angry anymore. During Kartik I started to offer lamps to Lord Krishna in my home and make small offerings. I felt good waking up early to chant a few rounds before work. I even got to attend a Hare Krishna wedding and MR BIG BLUE and I joked that maybe that would be us one day. I though we had found a middle ground somewhere we could both be happy. I was wrong.
If there was a God, why would he let something so awful happen to me at the exact time when I had actually taken to religion for once in my life? Should I have trusted my gut instincts that religious people are just hypocrites – saying one thing and doing another? Does religion force people into making choices just to impress other members of the congregation? Can I truly believe anything I learned from the Hare Krishna movement or is it all false? Is there any space for religion in my future without MR BIG BLUE? Would it be better for me to stop going to the temple all together?
Hmmmm….Somethings there for all of to think about, right? So please do tell me about your own religion experiences and how you would approach this situation.
A bit of a long post to keep you entertained over the weekend. Lets get talking peeps.
Today I signed the final bond documents for my house. It was my folks who first encouraged me to buy property. I think they figured that my life was so up in the air with MR BIG BLUE that they just wanted to do what they could to help me settle down. With them being so far away, I guess they worry about me and my future a lot. I am plodding along fine here but having a house will certainly allow me to feel more at home.
When I started the house hunt MR BIG BLUE always came with me to house viewings. I guess it was a bit strange. There I was looking to buy property and move forward in my life while he was still figuring out what to do with his while living at the HK temple. In an ideal world, this would have been something we could have done together. We could have found our dream home and worked on paying off a bond together with both our salaries. But with there being no sign of him even looking for a job, I had to move on when it came to the property front. The longer you wait, the more expensive property comes.
The property search was by no means a simple feat. I had to deal with lots of dodgy people and I had a number of my offers fall through. There really were times when I thought of giving up but people who had been through the process told me that I would just know when I walked into the right property. That moment finally came at the beginning of December. Things were starting to go bad with MR BIG BLUE. He was pulling away from me and I started to feel awkward asking him to come to viewings with me, so instead I took a friend.
Finding my house was a somewhat slightly strange experience. I am quite a straight laced kind of girl so I don’t really believe in mystical signs or the like (that was always more MR BIG BLUE’s forte) so it how I found and secured the place is a little hard for me to explain. It had been a bit of a long morning of viewing various show houses when I walked into the Castle (let’s call it that because its fit for a princess). I automatically LOVED it (as everyone had promised I would when I walked into the place for me). It had high ceilings, a fireplace, a cute garden and a lovely big social kitchen. I could easily picture myself living there. Chilling in the living room, having friends over, cuddling in front of the fireplace with MR BIG BLUE, painting and doing DIY together, having our (future) babies running around in the backyard…OK I am getting ahead of myself. The only problem was that the property price was a bit higher than I had budgeted for.
I spoke to my parents as soon as I saw the place and told them that I LOVED it, but there were two other offers in on the place already so I needed to decide quickly whether I would put in an offer. I then took some time out just to clear my head a little and I walked past a little community fair. Like I said, I am not big on all these hocus pocus signs but MR BIG BLUE had always told me keep an eye out for signs. Anyway, strangely enough as I walked passed the fair I saw the smiling face of Lord Jaganath (an incarnation of Krishna). Strange. I didn’t think too much about it. My parents called me back and encouraged me to put in a solid offer. So I did. There is not much more to tell other than by the time I’d driven from the viewing back home I had a call from the agent to tell me the offer had been accepted. It is crazy how quickly things turn around, hey?
I move in (hopefully) in less than a months’ time. I think it will be a bit of a bitter sweet experience. I am really excited about decorating and finally being able to make a place mine but I always thought this was something MR BIG BLUE and I would do together. I realise I am really lucky to have such an amazing family who have not only support me financially but know me well enough to know what I need in my life, even when I don’t. I don’t deserve them. That’s something that makes me really mad with MR BIG BLUE – he was welcomed into one of the best families in the world and yet he still choose something else to surround himself with people who will likely drop him as soon as things get bad and to jump from one damaged women to the next. Like me, my family loved him unconditionally despite the fact that he wasn’t uber-ambitious or super successful or anything. They saw his kind heart and they saw he made me happy, so they not only accepted him but loved him like their own. (Sorry for the rant.). Anyway, I shouldn’t dwell on this. It is what it is. I need to see my new castle as an opportunity. An opportunity to be more independent, to meet new people, to feel settled and create a place that’s totally fabulous and totally me, a castle that will make Cinders happy.
So folks… What do you think of my story? Do you believe in signs or transcendental arrangements (as MR BIG BLUE would call them)? How would you advise me to move forward and use the castle as an opportunity to make myself happy? Do you think things fell apart between MR BIG BLUE and I at exactly the right time to make it possible for me to find this place?
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Please please please don’t be blog lurkers but comment on the post (even if you want to offer me some abuse).
Let’s start by skipping to New Year’s Eve. Mr Big Blue had left the city for a bit of break and I was milling about at the temple. I was feeling a bit down and over the previous few days I had been feeling like I had to make some changes. I was fed up of holding on to animosity that I had with the Other Women from almost two years ago. It was very all of a sudden but I basically decided to go up to her and tell her that I was over creating an atmosphere every time we saw each other. I apologised for my part in our past fights. Basically I ate a huge slice of humble pie.
The Other Women actually turned out to be quite sweet, she asked me what was up and whether I was OK. I ended up telling her that things were messed up and that I thought maybe MR BIG BLUE was involved with the Divorcee. I told her that I’d heard on the grapevine that MR BIG BLUE had lied on his holy scripture (but at that stage I didn’t know what the lie was actually about). She was surprised as she didn’t know that I already knew. We ended up talking for a couple of hours that day. She told me her side of the story….
According to the Other Women, she first met MR BIG BLUE when he started to spend a lot of time at the temple (which subsequently contributed to him losing his job) and then they got talking. It seemed like she knew I was still in the picture and when they started to get close she told him to end things with properly with me because it wasn’t fair on either of us.
There was this one incident I remembered when I started to receive weird messages from him saying that he wanted to end it, blah blah blah. But I immediately knew it wasn’t him who sent them. I remember that I immediately assumed it was her that hacked his account (although I had no proof whatsoever) and when I told him at the time he told me I was mad in the head. Later when information about his affair came to light, I asked him about the incident and he confessed it was her but she was mental and had stolen his phone and sent me the messages. When I spoke to the Other Women she said that in fact he had given her the phone and told her she could send me whatever she wanted.
She said that part of her current issue with him was that he’d managed to get her banned from the temple by painting her out to be a home wrecker that had tried to destroy our relationship by contacting me on a number of occasions and making false allegations about him. There had been some previous incident between her and a married man which simply served to back up his story. She gave me a lot more detail about their ‘relationship’, apparently when we moved apart and he moved into the temple, the plan had actually been for him to go to her home town and meet her folks and then they’d go to India and get married (a little far-fetched maybe?!).
While we did reconcile our differences and both admitted we threw some low blows, I am going to take everything she says with a pinch of salt. It’s clear she has a bit of an agenda. I emailed someone who should be able to be trusted, let’s call him the Marigold, who was fully aware of the conflict that had existed between me and the Other Women, and even he told me not to get to close to her as there was a lot of controversy surrounding her. So moving forward, I will maintain amicable relations with the Other Women, as she could be a potential source of information but I won’t take anything she says as gospel.
So there we have it folks, the story turns and becomes more and more weird (and you really haven’t heard the last of it)…. So now over to you guys….What do you think of me reconciling with the Other Women? Is it a good thing or do you think I am playing with fire? What would you do moving forward? Do you think she can potentially give me any real insights or do you think its more likely that I will end up manipulated by her?
I always value your thoughts and advice so do let me know what you think.
Thanks again for reading my dribble.
LOVE you all the way to the moon (something I used to say to MR BIG BLUE) my little wise owls.
Well, seeing as everyone around me, including some of my dear readers, keeps telling me to give up on MR BIG BLUE move on with my life I decided to try and what a mistake that was…
I met the Yogic Banker online and we got chatting about a week ago. He seemed nice enough and we had a few things in common like yoga and traveling. So we decided to meet for dinner after work yesterday…that is where the problems started.
So after putting on some make up, a pair of heels and trying to look somewhat decent I headed out to my car (well, MR BIG BLUE’s car – remember he loaned it to me?). When I got in I realized it wouldn’t start as I had forgotten switch the lights off in the morning and the battery was completely dead (totally dumb ass move on Cinder’s part). Eeeeek !
Time for panic stations! I don’t exactly work it the busiest part of town so finding help wasn’t easy, especially on a Friday night when everyone leaves the office a little earlier. Luckily, I found a nice guy and a couple of cops who were willing to wait with me till I could get back on the road. It was clear that I was going to be late for the date so I messaged the Yogic Banker and let him know I would be late or maybe not even make it depending on the situation. He asked me where I was and said he would come a find me.
When he arrived I didn’t even get a chance to give him the once over as I was so frantic about getting the car started. I was very frazzled and one of the cops began asking where certain things were in the car I replied I wasn’t so sure because the car wasn’t mine but belonged to my boyfriend. (Eeek! The Yogic Banker was standing right there!!) I quickly fumbled to correct myself and say I meant my ex-boyfriend but then the cop commented that it didn’t really matter because the ex-boyfriend must still love you if he gave you this car (blush!). It was way too late now the damage was done.
Eventually we got jumper cables and got the car started. I apologized to the Yogic Banker for the delay and asked what he wanted to do. He said we still go and have dinner. So we both set off…I am not going to lie and say I wasn’t tempted to detour and flake on what would be a pretty awkward date, but my decent side got the better of me.
Finally, once we sat down and got some beers I had the chance to assess The Yogic Banker. Hmm…looks wise he wasn’t someone I really found attractive. He wasn’t very tall and his hair was kinda greasy. Still, I remembered back to when I first met MR BIG BLUE on that fateful day 5 and half years ago and I remember how at that time I hadn’t thought he wasn’t my type either (but how wrong was I). So I thought what the hell, let me give The Yogic Banker a chance.
He was a nice, friendly guy who worked in asset management. He told me how he got retrenched a few years ago and use the severance package and the time on his hands to do a yoga teachers training course in India (what’s up with these guys and India, hey??). Anyway, he couldn’t really hold my attention during the conversation as he kept going off on a tangent about Swami So and So. And after being so exposed to the Hare Krishna movement I didn’t appreciate having the basics of Vedic Culture explained to me on the date. He hardly asked me about myself but I did manage to tell him what I do for a living and where I would be hopefully moving too at the end of the month.
I was getting bored and I was eager to get out of the restaurant. He kept wanting to talk but luckily I was saved by the bell as my friend Tatyana called me and asked me to come join her and another buddy of ours Dr Sparkle for a drink. So that gave me an out. I told him I had a fun time (I mean it’s only polite right?) but that I needed to scoot off. He said he had already had to had a long day so was have an early night. So he got the bill (nice that he was a bit old school) and he walked me to the car to make sure it would get started (that was super sweet). It did. I made a quick getaway and went to join Tatyana and Dr Sparkle for champagne at a fancy hotel. They helped redeem the evening so it wasn’t a complete waste of a Friday night (yes, I know I sound like a horrible person).
The Yogic Banker messaged me to say he had a really good time and liked me. I politely replied I had fun too. He now wants to meet for coffee tomorrow.
So there goes. I tried dating. It failed. Now over to you my lovely dating gurus…
Do you think it is too soon for me to start dating again? Was the whole car/cop fiasco a sign from the universe telling me not to date? Do you think I was too harsh on The Yogic Banker? Do you think I should give him a chance and meet for coffee, just because he is a decent enough person and maybe good for the Friends Zone? Do you think I should keep trying?
And my answer to the burning question? Well for me it’s not a matter of waiting or not waiting. The fact is he has gone for a couple of months and it is not like there are a whole lot of gorgeous, intelligent, wholesome men knocking at my door. Even if there was, I don’t think it would be all that sensible to jump into any sort of relationship right now. Plus it would just make me as bad as MR BIG BLUE and the Divorcee. So as I said before its really not a question of whether I plan on spending the next couple of months sitting around waiting for him to message me, crying myself to sleep each night and waiting for him to come back and declare his undying love for me and its certainly not about me jumping into another relationship.
Instead, I plan on using the next few months to work on myself. By this I want to use this time apart from MR BIG BLUE to rediscover who I am and what actually makes me happy. That way I hope that when he comes back he sees me as I strong, independent, happy girl with a who has been moving forward with her life in a positive way.
This whole episode has made me realise that much of who I have become over the past 5 years has been defined to a certain extent by who MR BIG BLUE was. I mean don’t get me wrong, I am not one of those subservient women who live in the shadow of my man. I have my own interests and hobbies that make me tick and I have my own friends and family who I can turn to when I am in trouble or need advice. However, since I moved half way across the world to be with MR BIG BLUE much of who I am here has focused on him. For instance when I first arrived for a long time he was my only friend and we did everything. It was only after some time had passed that I got my own job, friends and social activities that I was able to become a person in my own right.
I am not trying to say any of this was his fault; it was just simply part of being an expat in a new country. MR BIG BLUE really was amazing when I first arrived here. He did everything he could to look after me and no matter what I will always be thankful for that. It was just that after some time the religious aspect of things got in the way. Like I mentioned it my first post, I was reluctant to get involved with the Hare Krishna movement because I felt it was taking him away from me. He was also quite fanatical about things and it caused a lot of issues between us. I moved apart from him because I felt that if I stayed with him I would be forced to give up too much of who I was. But that time apart did us some good. I started to take some time to read about Krishna Consciousness and take a greater interest. I started to attend festivals and programs and really enjoy them, while still doing things that I loved. But I have to admit some of my practice was superficial. Much of the time I went to temple because I knew it would make MR BIG BLUE happy. He was making strides and I wanted to be there to support him. It wasn’t really my spiritual journey; it was simply me living in the shadow of his.
But now I believe that without him here it will be a good time for me to reassess my own personal relationship with Krishna Consciousness and figure out what role it will play in my life. Beyond religion and spirituality, I think I need to use this time to reconnect with my friends that maybe I have lost touch with along the way and spend some doing things I enjoy and maybe even finding some new interests. Well that’s about all I have to say for now my dear readers. I realise this post may seem a bit vague, so I plan on doing a follow up for you about some tangible things I hope to achieve over the next couple of months and how I hope to transform myself during this period.
For now, I want to throw the floor open to you. Please let me know what you think…
Have you ever waited for someone because you felt they were your true love? Did things turn out well or do you wish you had done things differently? What are your thoughts on me using this time apart from MR BIG BLUE for self-improvement?
As always my glitter balls of loveliness thank you for reading – your comments and questions challenge me to think differently, your support comforts me more than you will ever know and the fact that you are here makes me smile even though I miss MR BIG BLUE more than anything. So THANK YOU from the deepest part of my heart.
MR BIG BLUE is leaving today. He is off to India on his voyage of self-discovery. I’ve timed it so that by the time you guys read this MR BIG BLUE’S should have taken off. I wish I could be at the airport to see him off but he said no and I respected his wishes.
The final goodbye was relatively quick and painless. I gave him a care package with a few things to keep him going on his travels. He hasn’t travelled much before and he gets anxious so I just wanted to do something to show him I cared and that I was proud of him for taking this step.
Because of all the recent drama he has managed to push aside lots of the people that truly know him and care about him like his family and good friends. He has isolated himself and becomes very defensive when anyone asks him what is going on. I wanted to remind him that these are the people that care about him regardless and that their love is unconditional.
I want the little gifts and photos to make him smile if he ever feels down when he is away. The thought of him being sad, scared and alone in India upsets me and I just want him to know that I care. I also wanted him to remind him that there is a lot here for him to come back to when he is ready.
I gave him the gifts. He gave me his car (not really a fair swap right?!). I am just looking after it for him while he is away. My new friend, Mystic Ninja, (I will tell you how she miraculously arrived in my life in a future post) says that him giving me his car is a sign. She said that it shows he cares and wants me to be looked after and maybe that this is him telling me to wait. I don’t know whether this is true. But to me it does mean something.
Last year when I had to move house MR BIG BLUE was my rock. In fact every time we moved from place to place he was amazing. He always made the process easier and took charge of the situation. Moving house really is one of the most stressful experiences for me and again it is something that will be happening next month. This time I will have to do the move alone without MR BIG BLUE here to hold my hand…so it’s time for Cinders to grow up. But the fact that he gave me his car is kind of like him saying: ‘Cinders, I am still here for you making the move that little bit easier’. But maybe that’s just me being hopelessly romantic as per usual.
Anyway that was the pretty un-epic goodbye. He will be at the airport now. Part of me still wishes I had the guts to just turn up there…but then again this isn’t a Hollywood movie. It would most likely end in disaster. What’s done is done now, I guess. He is probably already through passport control now. Now it’s officially the start of our time apart.
What are your thoughts on our goodbye? Do you think me giving him a gift was too much? What do you think about him loaning me his car? Is it just a friendly gesture or something more? Am I silly to read into it? Do you think I should have pitched up at the airport? Or was I right to stay away?
Please please please keep reading and commenting. I really do appreciate your advice 🙂
I know I haven’t fully filled you in on the background story as yet and I promise I will go back and literally tell you everything but I have a hectic weekend ahead of me and I need to talk about that right now.
MR BIG BLUE is off to India on Monday. This is his last weekend in the city. I probably get to see him one more time before he leaves. I am anxious about it. It feels like it’s one last opportunity to leave a lasting impression on him before he goes.
I don’t want to use this time to confront him about the divorcee or tell him that he broke my heart. I don’t want to yell at him, embarrass him or make a scene. I know he gets anxiety when he travels and I don’t want to make things worse for him. I don’t want him to leave with a bad impression of me.
He came to see me at work on Wednesday. He needed to pick up some stuff from me. That’s the real reason why he came, I know it. But we were civilised. We talked about his trip. We talked about me moving into my own house (something I always thought we’d do together). I asked him whether he needed me to take him to the airport, he said no he was sorted (I guess the Divorcee will be doing that job). So I just told him to be safe, keep in touch and let me know if he needed absolutely anything. He hugged me and hugged me and hugged me and he didn’t let go. I could tell he was sad. I was too. I tried to hold things together but its hard around him because he has already seen me cry so many times. I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me back. I think he meant it, I certainly did. I kissed MR BIG BLUE on his forehead (he always did that to me because he said it would make me feel safe) and then I said goodbye. Well, I said we would probably see each other again on Sunday before he left, but that probably the last time we’d be probably be alone together.
So Sunday is fast approaching. I don’t know in what circumstances we will say goodbye. All I know is that I told him that I have a care package for him to take with. I’ve got some of his favourite things, some photos and bits and pieces to remind him of home. As much as I have made him out to be the devil. He is not. This is a huge step for him and deep down I am proud of him. I want him to know that. I want him to feel loved. Even though he has isolated himself from lots of people who care about him. I need him to know that I am there for him no matter what. That whether we end up together or not I will always be grateful he came into my life and I will always be there to pick up the pieces. I am going to try my best to hold it together and say goodbye like a lady. Because as MR BIG BLUE’S mother once told me if you love somebody you let them go and know that if it is meant to be they’ll come back to you. I really hope he does come back to me in any which way and in any capacity, as long as he is safe I can rest easy.
So my dear readers…what do you have to say? Do you think I am approaching the situation correctly? Have you ever had to say a hard goodbye? How did you handle it? Please do share you experiences in the comments below.
Thank you for all your support. It really means the world to me right now.
Before I go any further with this story let me back track a little. I am trying to keep this blog as anonymous as possible because I want to protect myself and those around me. I don’t want any of my friends or family to stumble upon it and get hurt because I’ve written about them. I want to also be free to write what I feel without censoring myself for fear of being found out. This is why I use names that are clearly fake and I’ll avoid giving you too much information about my location. However, there are certain notable things I need to disclose to my readers if they are going to be able to truly understand my story.
One of them is about MR BIG BLUE. It involves The Big G or God, as he is known to most people. MR BIG BLUE is very religious and not just in the conventional way of going to Church at Christmas to please your Mum. He is very involved and it is basically his life. MR BIG BLUE is a Hare Krishna (Yup, one of those happy clappy shaven-headed guys with a strange pony tail that you see singing and dancing on the streets).
Religion was one of the things that tore us apart in the first place. When I met MR BIG BLUE he was a normal kind of guy who partied hard, got drunk, smoked (I put an end to that habit), watched rugby, went out to restaurants, watched movies, liked to spend money on fashion and material things and then that all changed. He has always been into spiritual things before and we had discussed his beliefs so it wasn’t a huge surprise to me and I was open-minded anyway. But what did bug me was his fanaticism.
At first I found the things he talked about quite fascinating. I attended a few festivals which were a bit overwhelming for someone like me who wasn’t brought up with religion. But I was willing to give it all a chance. But then he started to get too much. He changed his diet and wanted me to as well. I was already pretty much vegetarian so it wasn’t a major sacrifice. But then he didn’t want me to drink which made it difficult for me to go out with my friends. He started to spend more and more time at the temple and away from me. This made start to despise the religion. He stopped going to work because he would rather be at the temple. He said he wasn’t interested in material wealth anymore.
Eventually he got fired from his job. This gave him even more of an excuse to spend time at the temple with the devotees. This is where he met the Other Women. I didn’t know it at the time like I said. I felt the Hare Krishna’s were taking my best friend away so I stopped going to their temple with him. I stayed at home instead, focused on my job and spent time with my ‘normal’ friends. When we did spend time together he would just badger me. So I’d get angry and point out all the hypocrisy in religion (not just his).
It all ended up getting too much. We started to fight really badly. So I told him we needed to be apart. He moved into the Hare Krishna temple and began reconnecting with his faith.
We’ll chat about my attitude towards religion and how it’s changed in future posts, of that I am sure. But for now I will bring this post to a close by throwing the floor open to you my dear readers. Have you ever dated a religious person? Did you have to change your lifestyle because of it? What would you have done it my position? Also, what are you views on me keeping this blog anonymous ? Am I doing a good job so far or do you think I’ll eventually slip up and give myself away? … Let me know what your thoughts are on these issues. I look forward to some good debates. 🙂