Reunion with MR BIG BLUE

From the outset, I want to apologise to you all for a slightly disjointed post. I am feeling a bit all over the place. I just met up with MR BIG BLUE for the first time since he left. It was the hardest thing ever. We went and sat in the park and shared my lunch. I remembered why I loved him. Because we are best friends that can share my lunch out of a Tupperware and be totally happy. He bought me the cutest gifts from India. They might have looked tacky to everyone else but to me they were perfect. Small gifts that I know come from the heart … he and I won’t work out (I get this by now) but like me he hadn’t totally stopped caring. That’s enough for me.

Sharing my lunch - Just something only MR BIG BLUE would understand.
Sharing my lunch – Just something only MR BIG BLUE would understand.

We spoke about India. He said it was tough at times but incredible at others. We spoke about us. I told he had broken my heart. I told him the rumours that were going around at the Hare Krishna temple which naturally he denied. He blamed The Other Women and the Oracle for trying to poison me. He said his true friends would never believe what was being said. I told him that I was sad about the rumours but if they were untrue he needed to fight to clear his name. I would support him in anyway I could.

I asked him straight out if the person he mentioned as being more ‘spiritually advanced’ was the Divorcee he didn’t say anything. I encouraged him to tell me because the truth would help him but he didn’t agree. God knows why he needs to keep quiet about it. It’s certainly not to protect me. I am already hurt enough. He explained that he never told me the full extent of his affair with the Other Women because he wanted to lessen the pain I would have to feel. I also took accountability for my part in the break up. Even though I’ve portrayed him as the bad guy in this blog, I certainly wasn’t an angel.

I am coming to realise certain things. Some time ago he did love me. Maybe he still does. He still cares about me and he knows I am good person, but we both know it wouldn’t work right now. We were young and naïve, we both messed up. I’d do anything for a second chance but not him. He’d rather chance things with the Divorcee (or whoever because he won’t confirm anything) than give me a second go. He is not giving up on love, he is giving up on me.

Today, I gave him a hug and I let him go. I won’t lie I cried in the work bathrooms for quite a while as well and I keep welling up at my desk. But things will get better. They just have to. No matter what, he will always be my first love. (Maybe just not my last).

never giving up
Giving up on him (he gave up on me first) BUT not giving up on LOVE

Our paths will cross at some point I know but right now I choose to focus on me. Not changing myself for him but making myself happy again so I can attract my Prince Charming (whether that be Dr Sparkle or someone new – who knows.). Speaking of Dr Sparkle, he has been checking on me all day, but I can’t really think about that situation right now…so its baby steps.

Anyway over to y’all because I am not really in the mood to talk anymore. I’m going out with Tatyana tonight to try and cheer myself up or drown my sorrows, either way I don’t want to be alone. I am stuck in the middle of where right now and after giving back MR BIG BLUE’s car I feel totally trapped. But it’s a good thing. Closure.

So how well do you think I did? Making progress? Is he still lying to me? Do you think he is really withholding information to protect me? Do you think I told him to do the right thing and clear his name? Do you the Other Women and the Oracle could really be trying to ruin MR BIG BLUE? Why do I still feel sad and like someone went a died? What activities do y’all prescribe for getting through the next stage of this whole mess other than partying and drinking copious amounts (gosh I sound like Crazy Cat Lady)? How did y’all cope with break ups?

Today I need your good vibes and positive thoughts more than ever.

Tearful Cinders x o x o

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14 thoughts on “Reunion with MR BIG BLUE

  1. I dunno why he withheld information.. Maybe he is hiding something.. I just don’t trust the whole situation.. But time will tell, I suppose.

    It’s good you said goodbye.. Your paths may or may not cross, who knows. It’s good you are moving on! I can promise you that time may not heal all wounds but it will lessen the pain a bit. You will be alright. I know it!

    Crying is good. Let it out! No need to hold back. For now, keep yourself busy. Whether that’s work or go follow some courses you’ve been dying to do. I try not to drink too much when heartbroken because I get emotional and might end up drunk texting people. But everyone has his or her own way.

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    • Thanks for your support. Last night I went to a writing circle. It was a good way to have a distraction and I spent time at my friends place so i didn’t have to be alone. I don’t feel like being alone at the moment. Its very hard. I don’t want to be too much of a burden to my friends though. I hope my feelings will heal soon.

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  2. you might find this hard to believe but things are looking up for you. Whether you know it or not his not admitting to anything is a answer in itself. All the answers you were seeking you got. You said he wasn’t being forthright to spare your feelings. Not so …he was lying not being forthcoming to spare his feelings. He may have feelings for you but cares more about himself and how hurt his feelings are if he offenses you. The up side if you decide to pursue something with Dr Sparkle it’s all clear for you.

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    • Yeah. i know. Its just so tough right now. All I want to do is shake MR BIG BLUE and tell him that telling the truth will help him move forward. Deep down I do still care about him and will be there for him because that is the kind of person I am and the kind of person I would like to be for me. Its up to him now, things are out of my hands.

      Dr Sparkle, is a really good friend and I love him for caring about me. I am going to continue spending time with him because he lifts my spirits and that is exactly what I need right now. But I don’t think its fair to get involved in anything serious right now. I am not at my best and if I ever do get a chance to be with Dr.Sparkle romantically, I want him to get the best of Cinders, not the messed up MBB version 😉

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    • Yup I have had a few in the past. But MR BIG BLUE really was my first love. He was the first person I was intimate with, the first guy I introduced to my family, the first person I truly let in…so its like losing my best friend and I feel like I’ve lost a big part of my being. But time to rebuild I think. So I will keep my chin up and persevere through it all.

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  3. You have your answers now. The only answer that really matters….he does not want a second chance with you. Hold you head up and move ahead. You really have no choice now and as much as it may hurt, it is probably for the best. You have already made a good start. Hang in there sweetie….it does get better.

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    • When you put it so brutally, it really hits home. But I guess I need to hear it as it is sometimes. I feel like I am suffering a lot right now but I need to carry on and there really are a lot of positives so I will focus on them as best I can. I hope things will get easier, I need them too.

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  4. I know it is hard. Nothing anyone can say can really lesson the hurt. It is just something time has to do. It will get easier no matter how much you can’t see that right now. I went through losing someone I love twice. The last one almost broke me. Hardest thing I ever went through….but I did make it through. You will never forget him, but you will learn to live without him. Just give in to your feelings. Cry when you need to and eventually you will find you will cry less. Time does that…it really does. Keep yourself busy, enjoy your friends and let yourself heal. You will be ok! Hugs

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    • I know it doesn’t feel so great right now…but I will do whatever I need too. My main aim is not to spend too much time alone, in my own head. My friends are taking good care of me. I am thankful for that.

      I am focusing on running…I have a marathon to train for at the beginning of May. That is something positive I think.

      I am also considering turning some of this blog into an e-book and self-publishing it on kindle/kobo. I’ve always wanted to publish a novel. We’ll see.

      I’d like something good to come from this heartache.

      Liked by 1 person

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