An I.O.U from H.R.C

Busy trying to fix it.
Busy trying to fix it.

This is just a quick message to let you all know I’m still alive. I’m slowly getting over MBB. And figuring out what I do/do not want in life.

I haven’t been able to blog because I felt I was going around in circles and feeding you the same stories over and over again.

But I know I owe you all a proper update for now. I want you all to know (in the word’s of Taylor Swift) MR BIG BLUE and I are Never, Ever,Ever, EVER getting back together. I still have lose ends to tie up with him, but I am getting there slowly. I’m also figuring out what my next move is.

You can hold me to that update. Till then.

Lots of LOVE

Cinders x o x o

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Acceptance – The FINAL Revelation

I have finally accepted it is over with MR BIG BLUE and there is no chance we will ever get back together EVER.

After speaking to his mum last week things were a lot clearer. Even the people that were supposed to be on his side were telling me to walk away.

Following my reunion with MR BIG BLUE last week when I told him about the rumours that were going around and encouraged to fight them, the Oracle phoned me and said that they wanted to hold a meeting at the Hare Krishna temple and they wanted to confront the situation to see if MR BIG BLUE had lied on the Bhagavad-Gita to get his initiation.  As it was accusations from the Other Women had got this thing started in the first place they want the meeting to be between MR BIG BLUE, the Other Women, the Oracle, the head of the temple and me.

I told MR BIG BLUE that I had been asked to attend the meeting. At first he seemed quite shocked and said he didn’t want me to be there because he was afraid the other parties would want to hurt me. I told him I was already hurt by what had been said so far and I would just rather have the truth. There was a long silence then. He then contacted me saying he thinks I should attend the meeting and we could fight together as I team and I would just need to back him up and say we had only been friends for the past two years (yeah right – I think by this stage even this idiot had begun to believe his own lies). He told me I would do it if I was his real friend (blackmail?!). I played along.

Then I emailed the Marigold – a very senior figure that MR BIG BLUE looks up to. I told him about the rumours, the meeting and the awkward position I was put being. He responded to my very detailed email with this short message:

Thank you for the message.

MR BIG BLUE has told me that he and the Divorcee are serious about their relationship, and want to go ahead together.

Certainly you should just be open and straightforward when the meeting happens. You have nothing to lose by being honest.

So there it was in black and white. It was no longer just a rumour. MR BIG BLUE had gone and confided in a person who he values over anyone in his family. It was true.

Despite all MR BIG BLUE’S statements, the Marigold knew the truth. Only a few months he had spoken to me about getting married to MR BIG BLUE. So he knew we weren’t just friends. All these lies. What a messed up situation. It took a while to settle in. I slept on it. But it was now there, out in the open.

acceptance
Acceptance – Finally !

The next day I visited the Hare Krishna temple to speak with the Oracle. I had already arranged to meet him to discuss what would and wouldn’t be said in the meeting. As soon as I met him I told him that it was over between MR BIG BLUE and I. There you go. I said it, old loud, for the first. It was OVER. We were no longer on a break. We were no longer a grey area. There was not a chance in hell we would be getting back together. It was well and truly OVER. I had accepted it. Totally 100%.

Talking to the Oracle always makes things seem better. At first he seemed disappointed that things had finished as he had always been a supporter of our relationship. I explained the position I was in. He suggested maybe I didn’t come to the meeting. That way I wouldn’t be forced to lie. This seemed like a pretty good idea. I just needed to consider how MR BIG BLUE would take it (not that it should really matter after everything he had put me through). The Oracle also said that there had been a purpose for me in all this drama. He said that MR BIG BLUE had brought me to Krishna and there was something good in that. The Oracle also took my hand and looked at the lines. He said there was another relationship on the horizon (well in about 4 years) and he said that would be the man I’d marry. I don’t know how much I believe him but it was nice to be given some hope. He also said that there was a lesson here and I needed to make better choices…with my head, rather than my heart. He said that he could tell I was a person of high-moral character and I should look for someone I could respect rather than someone I needed to fix.

hope
HOPE – Thanks to the Oracle for giving me a little bit of HOPE for the future. Just need the pain to end now.

So there you have it. Acceptance.

So do you think this is a turning point for me? Do you think I’ve finally accepted things are over with MR BIG BLUE? Do you think I am being a coward by not going to a meeting where I could completely destroy MR BIG BLUE and bring down all his lies? Or do you think I am right to walk away from this now and let MR BIG BLUE get on with his own sordid little life with the Divorcee? What do you think about the hope given to me by the Oracle? Is it worth believing that there is still somewhere waiting for me to come along?

Look forward to hearing what y’all have to say.

LOVE Cinders x o x o

Reunion with MR BIG BLUE

From the outset, I want to apologise to you all for a slightly disjointed post. I am feeling a bit all over the place. I just met up with MR BIG BLUE for the first time since he left. It was the hardest thing ever. We went and sat in the park and shared my lunch. I remembered why I loved him. Because we are best friends that can share my lunch out of a Tupperware and be totally happy. He bought me the cutest gifts from India. They might have looked tacky to everyone else but to me they were perfect. Small gifts that I know come from the heart … he and I won’t work out (I get this by now) but like me he hadn’t totally stopped caring. That’s enough for me.

Sharing my lunch - Just something only MR BIG BLUE would understand.
Sharing my lunch – Just something only MR BIG BLUE would understand.

We spoke about India. He said it was tough at times but incredible at others. We spoke about us. I told he had broken my heart. I told him the rumours that were going around at the Hare Krishna temple which naturally he denied. He blamed The Other Women and the Oracle for trying to poison me. He said his true friends would never believe what was being said. I told him that I was sad about the rumours but if they were untrue he needed to fight to clear his name. I would support him in anyway I could.

I asked him straight out if the person he mentioned as being more ‘spiritually advanced’ was the Divorcee he didn’t say anything. I encouraged him to tell me because the truth would help him but he didn’t agree. God knows why he needs to keep quiet about it. It’s certainly not to protect me. I am already hurt enough. He explained that he never told me the full extent of his affair with the Other Women because he wanted to lessen the pain I would have to feel. I also took accountability for my part in the break up. Even though I’ve portrayed him as the bad guy in this blog, I certainly wasn’t an angel.

I am coming to realise certain things. Some time ago he did love me. Maybe he still does. He still cares about me and he knows I am good person, but we both know it wouldn’t work right now. We were young and naïve, we both messed up. I’d do anything for a second chance but not him. He’d rather chance things with the Divorcee (or whoever because he won’t confirm anything) than give me a second go. He is not giving up on love, he is giving up on me.

Today, I gave him a hug and I let him go. I won’t lie I cried in the work bathrooms for quite a while as well and I keep welling up at my desk. But things will get better. They just have to. No matter what, he will always be my first love. (Maybe just not my last).

never giving up
Giving up on him (he gave up on me first) BUT not giving up on LOVE

Our paths will cross at some point I know but right now I choose to focus on me. Not changing myself for him but making myself happy again so I can attract my Prince Charming (whether that be Dr Sparkle or someone new – who knows.). Speaking of Dr Sparkle, he has been checking on me all day, but I can’t really think about that situation right now…so its baby steps.

Anyway over to y’all because I am not really in the mood to talk anymore. I’m going out with Tatyana tonight to try and cheer myself up or drown my sorrows, either way I don’t want to be alone. I am stuck in the middle of where right now and after giving back MR BIG BLUE’s car I feel totally trapped. But it’s a good thing. Closure.

So how well do you think I did? Making progress? Is he still lying to me? Do you think he is really withholding information to protect me? Do you think I told him to do the right thing and clear his name? Do you the Other Women and the Oracle could really be trying to ruin MR BIG BLUE? Why do I still feel sad and like someone went a died? What activities do y’all prescribe for getting through the next stage of this whole mess other than partying and drinking copious amounts (gosh I sound like Crazy Cat Lady)? How did y’all cope with break ups?

Today I need your good vibes and positive thoughts more than ever.

Tearful Cinders x o x o

The Wonderful Dr Sparkle

MR BIG BLUE is back but I haven’t seen him yet. I don’t want to see him again but it’s inevitable. I need to distract myself.  So far I’ve eaten a lot of chocolate and joined tinder but my favourite distraction through this whole saga has been….Dr Sparkle…aka New Crush Guy (NCG) to some of you. The more observant amongst you may remember Dr Sparkle making minor features during the Epic Dating Fail and also on Valentine’s Weekend. But I haven’t exactly gone into much detail about him as yet.

Dr Sparkle….where do I start? Well he is just lovely. Intelligent (and I mean super clever). Sweet. Modest. Funny (really really funny). Easy to talk to. Down to earth. Kind of religious (eeek ! But not any kind of fanatic like MR BIG BLUE). In fact, he is the opposite of MR BIG BLUE is almost every way. I feel happy when I am around him and I get giggly when I even thinking about our conversations. People think it’s odd that we spend so much time together (I think it is part of the reason Crazy Cat Lady blew up) but it’s really been such a long time since I felt comfortable like this around a guy.

Dr Sparkle - An Old Fashioned Romantic :)
Dr Sparkle – An Old Fashioned Romantic 🙂

But does he like me? Now that’s the million dollar question. He always seems willing to spend time with me alone. I’ve noticed he is quite awkward around some women but not really with me (but maybe that’s because we are just friends). But then again he always tells me about the types of girls he fancies (ok, so I admit I’ve told him about the types of guys I like too)…but is this appropriate behaviour if you actually like someone? It’s really odd and hard to explain.

One quite interesting thing to note is that Dr Sparkle is aware of some of the details of the MR BIG BLUE situation and he has been encouraging me to end things properly. Part of me thinks that this is just what any good friend would say (well, it’s the same thing all of you have been saying from the start) but there is also another little part of me that thinks…well, maybe he is telling me to end it so he can legitimately make a move because he really is a gentleman. Also, he also recently came out of a messy break up so that too could be an issue…maybe he needs something a little more light-hearted first.

Crazy Cat Lady’s take on it was that we both liked each other (but I think she could have been being sarcastic because she actually liked him herself). She said I needed to act fast because it was impossible for a guy and girl to be just friends and if I left it too long I would end up getting hurt. I don’t know how much I believe her though. Part of me is too scared to act on my feelings for Dr Sparkle because I feel that it could potentially ruin our friendship which is something I really value.

Hmmm…So there you have it folks. Cinders has a little bitty crush. So do tell me what you think…Do you think there is a chance for Dr Sparkle and I? Do you think we are better off waiting considering both of us just came out of pretty messy relationships? Have you ever tried to take a friendship to the next level? Did it work out well? And is it really impossible for guys and girls to ever be just friends?

As always I look forward to your thoughts and insights.

Love Cinders x o x o

STRESS, STRESS and MORE STRESS

Just wanted to post quickly to let you all know why I’ve been a bit AWOL for the past week. Life took a turn from messed up to beyond STRESSFUL on so so many levels.

SUPER STRESS
Me – SUPER STRESSED !!!

I won’t go into too much detail but here are the main reasons.

1. Crazy Cat Lady went mental and kicked me out because I wouldn’t choose her over all of my other friends. My Castle’s transfer got delayed which pretty much makes me homeless. So this weekend I will be putting all my stuff into storage and becoming a nomad. Thankfully I have awesome friends who have stepped up and offered me their beds, couches, hammocks and floors to sleep on :).

2. Even though shes been uber mean to me I am actually seriously worried about CCL. I was her last friend standing and now she has kicked me to curb as well. I don’t know what she will do without ANY human contact whatsoever. I think she needs professional help but I am not in a position to help her. I hope that once I can get out of her place…maybe it will be easier for me to approach her.

3. MR BIG BLUE might be coming home early. I was just getting used to having this space and I thought I was using this time to become more independent but the thought of him potentially being back in less than a week truly messes things up in a huge way. He hasn’t confirmed anything yet. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

4. This shouldn’t be something stressful but its also messing with my head a little. I think I have a bit of a crush on someone. Its still to early to say if the feelings are real or I am just tricking myself into believing this is something more than it actually is. But I can say one thing…he has made me smile through all this stress and been a supportive friend (although I think he is too oblivious to know). When I am around him, I feel like I am on the top of the world. I can totally be my crazy self around him and he makes me SMILE a lot. Nothing romantic has happened and everything is in my head at the moment. But I am determined not to mess things up with him. Right now, the friendship means too much for me to throw it away. I want to make sure all my feelings for MR BIG BLUE are gone before I move on to anything else and I need to make sure its worth risking our friendship for. I don’t know if he like likes me the same way, but he knows a bit about the MR BIG BLUE situation and I know he is to decent to make a move until he knows it totally over. He is the opposite of MR BIG BLUE in every single way. I am just a little bit smitten. Gosh.

5. Oh and by the way… I lost my appetite. I don’t know whether its all the stress from CRAZY CAT LADY or whether its love sickness or pure craziness? YOU. TELL. ME.

crush
Am I reading to much into a little bit of smiling ?

OK guys, there is my uber quick update so now over to you … give me your thoughts.

How should I handle the Crazy Cat Lady situation? How do I deal with seeing MR BIG BLUE again so much sooner than I was prepared for? Do you think I am crushing on this new guy as a rebound thing? Am I crazy to go from crying our MR BIG BLUE to being smitten over someone new so soon? Do you think I am misreading signals from someone who is a good friend as something more when its not? Have you ever lost your appetite over stress or over a potential love interest? Share your experiences and distract me from my stress.

Till I return from my weekend of STRESS.

Lots of love my sweeties,

Cinders x o x o

Valentines Day without MR BIG BLUE

So I conquered my first b’day post-MR BIG BLUE last week thanks to a bunch of good friends who kept my spirits high and partied with me. This was followed by a little high school drama which was a bit of an unnecessary distraction. And now BOOM the dreaded V-day is upon us. And how do I feel about it?

Well….I don’t really know to be honest. MR BIG BLUE and I never really did much for it anyway. We always made it our thing to boycott that nonsense, because we didn’t want a cookie cutter, Hallmark-kinda relationship. Our first Valentines Day, we attempted to find a restaurant but they all had ridiculously expensive Valentine’s Day menus so we ended up eating take-out at home and watching movies. One year, MR BIG BLUE tricked me. I thought I’d successfully managed to avoid the day but when I got home he told me that I needed to run upstairs and see what my feathered friend had done to one of my favourite dresses. When I opened the bedroom door, he decked out the whole room and got me the BIGGEST, most tacky Valentines card ever. We had a good laugh. But I’m not here to reminisce about happy times with MR BIG BLUE now am I ?

VALENTINES DAY
Boycotting Valentine’s Day – Mine and MR BIG BLUE’s thing 😉

Onward and Upwards that’s what I say. So the plan tomorrow includes finding my inner calm at a 90 minute yoga class, getting involved in a feeding scheme for homeless children to remind myself how much I have to be thankful for in my life and that I need to stop wallowing in self pity, champagne tasting with Dr Sparkle and Tatyana (shhhh…nobody tell Crazy Cat Lady) and possibly a date with the Yogic Banker (I have no other option guys.) The alternative is sitting in with CCL and the kitties and get absorbed into the last 2 parts of the 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy followed by a bonfire where I burn all my pictures of MR BIG BLUE…Which would you choose?!!!

Oh and MR BIG BLUE…Here is a Valentine’s song for you sweet. In the words of Taylor Swift…

Now over to you my Valentine’s cherubs…

Tell me what you think about Valentine’s Day – Overrated or just another sweet occasion to celebrate LOVE? Do I sound like I am getting cynical and moving away from hopelessly romantic ways? What do you think of my Valentine’s Day plans? A positive move away from MR BIG BLUE? Have you guys got any good tips on how to survive your first V-Day as a singleton? Tell me about your plans (if you are doing something nice, I promise to be happy for you)? What have been your best and worst Valentine’s Day experiences? Come along girls and guys…Remember sharing is caring :).

Lots of LOVE

Cinders x o x o

Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 2

Lets just cut to the chase shall we ? It start of my letter to MR BIG BLUE looked like this. Here is the second part …

letter writing
And Cinders is still busy writing ….

***

Well now for her (the Divorcee), if she is who I think she is. I don’t want to be bitchy. I guess to need to offer her a degree of respect as she is clearly someone more spiritually advanced than me and from what I gather more materially sound than me too. But I can be anything I want to be and more. Let’s start with the material stuff, you said it doesn’t matter anyway and that it is only useful if it can bring us closer to Krishna anyway, but it seems now it does. I guess I am materialistic in that I value my job and looking for material things, like a house and car, to make things to make more stable for myself and us. I know she has more to offer you in that. But I have something money can’t buy and that is LOVE.

I was brought up by the two most amazing parents and they taught me how to love whole-heartedly. They make me believe that there are good relationships in this world. They don’t have so much stuff but are the type of people that would give you the shirt of their back and you know that more than anyone. I wished one day I could have that kind of love with you as well. Anyway getting to the point I know the Divorcee has a nice car and a massive house and maybe I am lagging a little but I have such amazing support in my life that I really don’t need any of that kind of stuff anyway. All I really need are people around me that love me. I’d give up everything for them and for you because you are also someone I love.

I know I can’t compete with the Divorcee when it comes to spiritual advancement and that’s probably my major disadvantage. But you are stupid if you cannot see how far I have come. I know it didn’t come naturally to me and I was a bit slow on the uptake. I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I doubted you at the beginning and that I acted all crazy BUT the fact is that this was over 2 years ago now. I am not the same person and I never will be. You know I’ve changed and you know that things changed during Kartik – that was my turning point. Us lighting lamps together in the tent at one of the most beautiful places on earth with our little Krishna deity was incredible and you can’t deny it. I just wish you could see we were getting there. Slowly but surely we were. Don’t you see that something that develops over time and with thought can be real and it can be beautiful too….

***

comparison is the theif of joy
Maybe Mr President has a point ?

So that’s the second excerpt from the unfinished letter that I started writing when I was really struggling. Obviously, those of you who have been reading the blog know that my feelings have hardened a little since the time I wrote this. I know this part of the letter sounds pretty desperate…but understand that at the time I wrote it I was hurting pretty badly. Over to you beautiful people now…

Do you think that its normal to wonder why you got replaced by some other girlfriend/fling? How important to you think material wealth is in a relationship? Do you think its idealistic to say that love conquers all or do people find those that can provide for them and spoil them more attractive? How important do you think someones family background is on their capacity to love?

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Lots of LOVE my beauties.

Cinders x o x o

Giving up on LOVE? The Life and Times of Crazy Cat Lady

Back from the weekend of drama and debauchery. Today, I’ve decided to steer the blog away from the whole MR BIG BLUE drama for a bit. Instead let’s talk about the alternative, i.e. giving up on LOVE and becoming…Crazy Cat Lady.You might think this stereotype of a lonely old spinster surrounded by cats only belongs in comic books but I am here to tell you that you are wrong. She really does exist. Crazy Cat Lady is a buddy of Cinders’ and over the past few years we’ve really gotten to know each other pretty well.

Crazy Cat Lady spent 12 years of her life dedicated to one guy. He was a scumbag who was following his dreams as an ‘entrepreneur’ while Crazy Cat Lady slogged away at the office all day to provide him with a roof over his head, food to eat, beer to drink … what a life (not to different to what my life could have been, if I hadn’t moved away from MR BIG BLUE after just 6 months of him being out of a job and not actively looking for work). When he thought Crazy Cat Lady might leave he got down on one knee (with a fake diamond ring) and proposed. Lucky for her she realised marriage wasn’t for them and got out before the wedding. She ended things just because she trusted her gut (she later found out he’d been cheating with multiple ladies and he’d even got one pregnant – crazy!!).

So after the 12 year relationship, Crazy Cat Lady had a quick 2 month thing followed by a one night stand and that’s it. She decided she was done with men. There is no such thing as LOVE anyway. You’ll always end up hurt in a relationship. No man will meet your expectations. We are all fickle beings looking for something better. She refuses to try internet dating because it’s for real losers. She has given up on LOVE and only wants to focus on her cats. Cats won’t hurt you. They give great cuddles. They are loyal and will never cheat on you. All they need a little bit of food. They really don’t ask for much. Not the way a man would.

Crazy Cat Lady
Crazy Cat Lady – Is this what happens to those who give up on LOVE?

Like you might have gathered. I am a hopeless romantic. The total opposite to the Crazy Cat Lady. Whether it’s with MR BIG BLUE or someone else. I will always believe that LOVE exists. Even if it’s not like in the fairy tales (as the whole MR BIG BLUE episode has shown me). I want to help the Crazy Cat Lady. I want her to get out there and try. I want her just to be open to the possibility of meeting someone. I don’t want her to think she is past it and on the shelf. Maybe she is a little old to have kids, but doesn’t meet she can’t find a companion. I’ve tried to reason with her and pointed out many guys that would be interested but she always finds fault – too poor, too rich, too black, too white, too clever, too stupid, likes dogs not cars – basically says she will only settle down with a  guy who is the same as her in every way. But I think it’s all an excuse. It seems she will never let herself LOVE again (accept for the cats of course).

Regardless at the end of the day at least she has her cats.  And me, the hopeless romantic – I have no one.

Ok I know it’s a bit of a random post….but give me your opinions.

Is it ever OK to give up on LOVE? Should I be a bit more life Crazy Cat Lady – i.e. realistic? Does it make you sad when you meet people that have given up on LOVE or do you think its better to be independent like her than one of those that try this whole LOVE thing and end up divorced and penniless? Or are you someone who has given up on the conventional idea or LOVE for something else maybe its the LOVE of your job, a passion for something else, or even your cats ? Please share your stories because sharing is caring after all.  

Till I am in a better state of mind (still hungover from this weekend)

Lots of LOVE (because you know I LOVE LOVE)

Cinders x o x o

My Rollercoaster Relationship with Religion

Today I am going to mix it up a bit. I am not going to give you the next part of the Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE (because I am sure you are a bit fed up of hearing about this man). Instead, we can talk about my relationship with religion. I am hoping we can stir up a bit of debate on the blog as religion tends to be a bit of a contentious issues.

I’ve never been big on religion or God. My dad always taught me if I wanted something I needed to get out there and work for it instead of sitting on my butt all day praying for it.

From the outset I knew MR BIG BLUE had some strong religious beliefs. At first I was open-minded and I went to visit the Hare Krishna temple with him. It was pretty cool and bit strange (isn’t all religion though?) but the people had a sweet nature about them (although a bit airy fairy) and they were welcoming.

For the first couple of years of our relationship I was fine about his religion. We went to the temple on and off. We went to eat the restaurant connected to the temple at weekends. We were both vegetarian (it was an easy enough transition for me as I didn’t eat much meat anyway). We used to watch documentaries about his faith – some were really cool and others were boring (he’d get upset with me for saying something like that or being in any way critical of the faith). We even took a city break once and went to visit a bigger HK centre.

I didn’t mind religion in moderation. We could still do fun activities. Go on hikes. Dinners out with friends. Movies. Concerts. Vacations. Picnics on the beach.

fanatic religion
Is it Fanatics that put normal people off religion?

Then things changed. I don’t know exactly when or why but it felt like overnight. MR BIG BLUE had a crisis. He said he wanted to eat meat again, started smoking cigars and drinking a lot. It upset me. I didn’t understand why. I didn’t want to eat meat again or self-destruct.

But this phase didn’t last long. He soon sobered up but he felt so guilty for his lapse. Because of this he started to spend more time at the temple. Too much time in fact. He started to go to the temple instead of going to work. In the end that contributed to him getting fired from his job. With no job to give him structure and wages he started to spend even more time at the temple. This angered me. While I was busy slaving away at my desk. He was chanting, dancing (and busy chatting up the Other Women) at the temple. He wasn’t bringing in any money. With just one wage we couldn’t afford to do anything fun. He wasn’t even looking for a job, it wasn’t a priority for him. I felt like he didn’t care about me anymore. He was always with them because they allowed him to escape the problem rather than tackle it head on. I started to hate the Hare Krishnas for this.

This made me draw away from them. I felt they had brought him down and would bring me down too. I needed to surround myself with go-getters. So I found other friends and spent more time with them doing normal fun things. The same things I used to do with MR BIG BLUE. Even during the brief moments we’d spend together he was so fanatical. I couldn’t listen to any music other than Hare Krishna songs. We’d have to always say special prayers before eating. We’d only watch Hare Krishna documentaries. I was being suffocated.

So I ended our rental contract. As much as it broke my heart I said if he wanted to spend so much time at the Hare Krishna temple he should move in there. I decided I would move into a flat share with a random to get my space. I was over all the fighting. So that is what we did…

After he moved into the temple I thought that was it. He had chosen the religion over me. Finished. But we were still in touch. He’d visit me at my flat and bring prasadam (special food that had been offered to the deities) and he invited me to special festivals at the temple.He gave me a special copy of the Bhagavad Gita As It Is (the same scripture he would later swear he hadn’t had a relationship with me on.) and wrote a message inside the cover saying that I should seek shelter in this book if I ever felt sad or missed him. We also started to do other fun things like  going to the beach, picnics in the park, weekends away, hiking, camping. He even got a bike and started cycling with me.

Because of this element of balance I started to take more interest in the religion. I started chanting the Hare Krishna Maha Mantra and it felt good. I can’t tell you why but I felt peaceful. I wasn’t so angry anymore. During Kartik I started to offer lamps to Lord Krishna in my home and make small offerings. I felt good waking up early to chant a few rounds before work. I even got to attend a Hare Krishna wedding and MR BIG BLUE and I joked that maybe that would be us one day. I though we had found a middle ground somewhere we could both be happy. I was wrong.

Then all the drama happened. My world got shattered. I began to question everything again.

Hypocrisy in Religion -  Was MR BIG BLUE the perfect example of this?
Hypocrisy in Religion – Was MR BIG BLUE the perfect example of this?

If there was a God, why would he let something so awful happen to me at the exact time when I had actually taken to religion for once in my life? Should I have trusted my gut instincts that religious people are just hypocrites – saying one thing and doing another? Does religion force people into making choices just to impress other members of the congregation? Can I truly believe anything I learned from the Hare Krishna movement or is it all false? Is there any space for religion in my future without MR BIG BLUE? Would it be better for me to stop going to the temple all together?

Hmmmm….Somethings there for all of to think about, right? So please do tell me about your own religion experiences and how you would approach this situation.

A bit of a long post to keep you entertained over the weekend. Lets get talking peeps.

Till next week my darlings LOVE and hugs

Cinders x o x o

Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE – Part 1

I am a contradiction right now.  Forgive me. I promised some of you I would stop waffling on about MR BIG BLUE and in same breathe I said to others that I would offer a few more positive insights into the man so you might be able to understand while I love him. Well, I am not doing either in this post. I am just going to present you with a letter I started to write to him at the end of last year. Basically I wrote this when I had turned up to the temple to fight for my relationship and then found MR BIG BLUE was being uber defensive and not talking to me in any proper way. So here goes (please don’t hate me…)

Writing - My Solace during Tough Times.
Writing – My Solace during Tough Times.

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Dear MR BIG BLUE

i am writing this letter because I am not coping so well and I though I should go back to what I used to do at the beginning when life getting a bit much for me. I don’t really where to start because firstly I doubt you will ever read this and secondly there is just so much to so I need to try and put it down in some logical order.

Anyway lets start with the obvious…I LOVE YOU. Always have and always will. You are my first, last and only true love. How do I know this? How can I make such a sweeping statement? I because of the type of person I am. I feel in love when I met you and its a feeling I can’t even begin to articulate. I am not the kind of girl that can jump around from one guy to the next. I can’t say the thought hasn’t ever crossed my mind but I can say that even if it were possible, it wouldn’t be real. It would just be a robot going through the motions…at the end of day its you has my heart and soul – for this life and every lifetime after this and before (well, you know what I mean).

So I know our relationship was not conventional. If things were different we would have done things in a more decent and proper way. We wouldn’t have been so crazy as to fall in love so fast and move in together so soon. That was probably the first big mistake we made. But then again we had no other option in the circumstances. We were very young and immature (I was for sure) and its easy to look back with 20/20 hindsight and see everything we could have done differently.

You said in one message that there are mistakes we can’t live with and the cheat was too much. But really it was a blip, I know I kept bringing it up with all the emails I was receiving from the Other Women and then her pitching up back here. But that was all my fault, my stupidity and insecurities, me wanting someone else to be hurt for all this that happened and wanting you to fight for me. Stupid, stupid fairy tale stuff, I guess. But if I had any intelligence in my stupid skull, I would have stopped dwelling on things and listened to what Marigold said when he told it was totally possible to move on from this and what happened didn’t undermine the relationship we had already built.He said it was just what happiness when material life gets in the way. He was right. I wish I’d listened. I mean really, really listened and acted on his advice. Gone for hypnosis or whatever and stopped holding a grudge. If I had another chance I would have listened. Really, really I would….

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no regrets
And there were so many times MR BIG BLUE did make me smile and still does 🙂

Its a really long letter and I still have more to type up. But I am going to stop there and ask for your opinions. Just bear in mind that this was written a long time ago. My perspectives have changed a little since then so I am not blaming myself as much for the failure of our relationship.

Is it normal to have regrets? Can people every truly get over being cheated on, like the Marigold told me? Do you think us rushing into this relationship was a major cause its downfall? Do you think Cinders is naive?

Looking forward to hearing what you have to say on the beginning of my Unfinished Letter to MR BIG BLUE. I hope you figured from the fact that it is unfinished that I never sent it. I won’t send it because now my attitudes have changed. If anything I will write a new one from scratch because my mind was all over the place when I started jotting this down.

 Till next time beautiful people,

LOVE Cinders x o x o